Name: Pete Holmes Fallon
Uploaded: 2009-04-09T03:25:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pete Holmes Fallon' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2009-04-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pete Holmes Fallon' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2009-04-09. Transcript available.

hurting you and I'm just so glad that you're alive and I think we should just
focus on that
and I dropped the case and I paid for the guy's car and a few months later
Jenny and I went to
City Hall and we got married I still didn't believe in the idea of marriage and
I still don't
but I believed in her and I had given up on the idea of being right
one of my dreams is to be profiled by NPR I just love you know what I mean I
think that if we're being honest I think everybody has that dream where you
want them to come to your apartment and be like Pete Holmes is surprisingly
messy for a genius you know what I mean tunic hands discarded everywhere and
you kind of hear me talking in the background
the audience comes up and I'm like that's when I knew I had to become a chef or
whatever like I don't know why they're talking to me why not comedy I want to
be a show
guys I want to be a show I'm just joking
I gotta be honest I'm just happy to be out tonight and take a break from all
the Facebookery
and we just talk about I have a theory about Facebook and MySpace that I want
to tell you I think this is right I think that the government
made Facebook and I think they made MySpace I think that is true I think they
made it to make privacy uncool I really I think that's true because they don't
have to tap our phones or survey us when we yield to them
everything just on our own free will just like yeah home address
phone number call me
photos of everyone everyone I know yeah let me tag those for you
that's Andrew he's suspicious
we just give it all up I think we're going to get to the point where criminals
are just going to be on their phones just like hey the deal's about the go down
tweet that's going to happen
I do like it though right now my Facebook status has p is telling jokes you
know but I think we all have all those friends on Facebook that kind of abuse
the status system you know what I mean and update their status like 45 times an
hour
asinine stuff like Ryan is eating a Triscuit
five seconds later Ryan's eating another Triscuit lol
Ryan is taking a bath like you shouldn't have the computer my own
Ryan that's dangerous
sometimes I have too much info too I'm not making this one up by someone that
said
Adam is sad and not sure if he's gonna make it through the night
Ryan that's real somebody put their cry for help on Facebook
I didn't know what to do I poked him
you're okay
you're a ninja
you're a ninja now
I did get a ninja invite recently
I don't know why we love ninjas in this country
what is this obsession with ninjas
what is a ninja really it's just an Asian burglar right
I'm just saying they have them in this country too
they're called assholes
someone dressed in all black breaks into your house and kills something
it's like oh my god
he was from Japan
cool
let's ask it something on YouTube
I uh
I'm not a cool person
I don't know if that's reading
are you guys getting that
not cool
I'm not cool
it's okay
I'm kind of like
I'm 29
I don't have any kids
but I'm already kind of like a fun dad
does that make sense
like I already think the like corny embarrassing things
your dad thinks are funny
are funny
like you guys are all having a sleepover
and I keep embarrassing you like
hey you can have whatever you need
like
get out of here
coming in with tuna melts
dance style
like if you like it then you should have put some cheese on it
you know like
get out of here dad
get out of here
okay I'll be watching wheel
I don't mind being fun dad though
I'm an old soul
now I embrace it
at a kid's birthday party
I'll shake his hand and slip him 20 dollars
fun dad
enjoy your day
on a fishing trip
I'll let a kid try beer
like I'd rather you do it with me
fun dad
you gotta be careful though
there's a thin line between fun dad and creepy uncle
it's not really a line as much as it's a blonde mustache
when did they decide that that was the uniform
like you like something messed up sexually
let the world know
stop stop shaving here you fair-haired monster
I don't write the rules
if you have a friend with a blonde mustache
he wants to touch you
that's just
that's how it goes
I am a fun dad but I don't have any kids
I think people romanticize
what it's like to like to be a child
can we talk about this
I recently saw a 50 year old woman talking to a 10 year old boy
she was just glowing
she's like
oh yes
10
yes
oh yeah
oh yeah
i'd love to be 10
be you
be 10
oh start over
be svelte and swift
i bet you're swift
yeah
see color and smell things again
yeah
10
no
you don't want to be 10
being a kid sucks
you just don't remember
this is what it is to be 10
it's not words it's just a noise
this is the sound of being 10
you probably haven't heard that noise in a long time
because you have no need for it
as an adult but as a kid it's all you have
snot notes
not sure what to do with your arms
you're still kind of new with your arms
like is this right
mittens attached to your jacket
because you're a stupid person
actively trying
trying not to poop your pants
you know what i mean
it wasn't that long ago that you were allowed to
just let it rip
don't poop
harm so many balls to keep in the air
it sucks
i saw a kid walking with his dad
trying to keep up with his pathetic little legs
right
dad is walking a car length ahead of him
which is a dick move
and he keeps behind him just going
dad
dad i dropped my hat
dad
dad my hat i lost it
dad not even turning all the way around
just the half shoulder going
bradley
bradley it's gone bradley
your hat is gone
leave it
that's all he can come back
you've lost the debate
screw that nobody talks to me that way
i'm a grown-ass man
you talk to me that way
i punch you in the heart
do you get it
i have cash on me right now
cash
i lose a hat
i'll go buy two
wear one like a crown
throw the other one in the street
i don't care
this kid can't reason with this giant
who doesn't give a crap
that's all you can do
i saw a different kid
a different kid's same noise
flying his dad going
dad
dad i'm hungry
and the dad just goes
do it
you just
had
a banana
that's his rebuttal
he wants to be like father
why are you speaking to me this way
i need constant nutrition
that i might go oblong and weird
but all that comes out is
screw that
i'm an adult
if i'm even a little hungry
i'll go to a friggin carvel
to eat a nibble of an ice cream cake
smear the rest of my face like a geisha
throw the remainder
in the drifter
do you understand
i write my own rules
i can't take them at night
do you get it
i'll wear a bathrobe
for a month in public
no one's going to tell me not to
i get a beard of bees
live bees
i'll rub my fingernails
till they curl up like a water hose
nobody's like
i can do whatever i want
meanwhile some kid's like
and they stay up for jeopardy
i can rent a car
do you understand
after this show
fifty dollars enterprise
i can rent a car
give them the money
they'll give me the keys
like here you go grown-up
thanks grown-up
i'll get the insurance
i'll take a crap
in the passenger seat
drive into the river
and swim to the shore
meanwhile the kids are like
can i go to the bathroom
i just took a dump
in a rented chevy cobalt
do you understand
it's better to be a grown-up
that's for you
that's really nice
i'm trying to be part of it
before i was trying to make it
it was better that time
well there's a part
about the cobalt
and the nails
and the beauty of bees
isn't it
look at these
motherfucking nice people
you're the greatest people in the world
all right guys thank you for uh
listening to that
who's next
Sean. Sean! One of my favorites guys. Let's keep the energy going. Let's get a
clap for him for a great little bit. Come on, come Sean O'Connor! Sean O'Connor!
Give it up for a team! Give it up for a team! Give it up for a team!