Name: Pete Holmes on Conan (HD)
Uploaded: 2011-03-29T18:30:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pete Holmes on Conan (HD)' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-03-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pete Holmes on Conan (HD)' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-03-29. Transcript available.

We are back.
My next guest is a talented comedian
who can be seen on John Oliver's New York stand-up show
airing this Thursday at midnight on Comedy Central.
Please welcome the very funny, Pete Holmes.
Yeah, okay.
That was exciting.
Uh, how's it going, everybody?
Okay, I'm a little, I want to get this out of the way
right up top, I'm not a cool person.
I don't know if you can tell already from my overall vibe.
I don't know if this is gonna make sense,
but I'm 31 years old, I don't have any kids,
but I'm already kind of like a fun dad.
Can you get that sense from me?
Just like the dorky dad at a barbecue, just like,
"Fresca," that guy, singing hip-hop rung to children,
just like, "I'll say you can have whatever you need, yeah."
Snacks on dad. Patron, no Patron. Fun dad.
Like, I don't have kids, but if I did, I'd be the kind of dad they're having a
sleepover.
I'd keep barging in, embarrassing them with a tray of food, just like tuna
melts, dad style.
That's extra mayo. If you like it, then you should have put some cheese on it.
If you...
Get out of here, dad!
If you like it, then you shouldn't put your feet on it.
Seriously, Kyle, the ottoman is decorative, so...
You didn't know. You didn't know.
Fun dad.
So I don't trust adults who eat candy.
Is that something we can talk about?
It's one of my favorite things to talk about, adults that eat silly candy.
I was landing here at LAX one time, and in my row there was a woman that had to
be in her late 70s.
And to celebrate landing safely, she reached into her purse and took out an
atomic fireball.
Just like, "Oh, yeah."
"Spicy cinnamon candy? Yeah. Mama did good today."
Just immediately, I want to be like, "Stop it! It's not for you. I want to
chase you with a broom."
Eating silly candy and being a grown person, those things are at odds with each
other.
Yet every time I go home, my dad has grown-ass friends that talk to me like,
"Hey, Pete. Pete."
Opening a thing of Fun Dip.
Marriage is hard, man. It's hard.
Yeah, it's not 50-50. It's 100-100. You know what I mean?
You got to recommit to that person every single day.
She's my best friend, but she's also my lover, you know what I mean?
Raises the kids, but keep that stuff out of the bedroom.
Angels and whores, man.
Yeah, I've been tempted.
Mostly emotional stuff, nothing physical.
There was a woman at work, Kathy. I don't know.
She just connected with me in a way that Meredith never did.
Would go to lunch, would write it off, would say it was for work, but no.
She saw a hole in me.
Right after the miscarriage and I ring pop.
It's the hardest time of my life.
The joke is doing it as long as I can.
That's the joke right there.
So I have an eye telephone. I have an eye telephone.
Thank you.
Which means I have Google on my phone.
I'm guessing a lot of you do.
I have Google on my phone now.
And it's ruining our lives.
I don't know if you've noticed, it's ruining life.
Because we know everything.
But we're not a lick smarter for it.
We just know.
You don't know something, wait two seconds.
You will know.
Having Google on your phone is like having a drunk know-it-all in your pocket.
There's no time for mystery or wonder.
You're just like, how do they make glass?
And you know.
But the time between not knowing and knowing
is so brief that knowing feels exactly like not knowing.
So life is meaningless.
I've literally been in bed in the morning alone.
Just like, where's Tom Petty from?
I feel nothing.
Because there was no time to not know.
Listen to me.
There was a time, and I don't mean to get all Andy Rooney on you.
But there was a time that if you didn't know where Tom Petty was from,
you just didn't know.
And you felt that yearning and that deficit in your being.
And you'd go around and ask actual people.
Like, where's Tom Petty from?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
And now I'm impregnated with wonder.
And then they go and ask people.
Until one fateful day, you see a girl wearing a Heartbreakers t-shirt.
You rush up to her and you're like, hey, where's Tom Petty from?
And she tells you, Florida.
And a wave of endorphins and pleasure and meaning would wash over you.
And you felt something.
And that's how you met your wife.
Do you understand?
Your wedding song was Refugee.
Did Biz laugh?
Thank you very much, everybody.
Good night.
Thank you.
That was great.
That was hilarious.
Thank you so much.
Hilarious.
Pete Holmes, everybody.
Terrific.
Thank you, man.
That was our show.
I want to thank all my guests, Sarah Silverman, Biz Stone.
We got Andy Richter, Jimmy Feeney on the bass of Cable Band.
Stay tuned for a little place tonight with his guest, Mike Tyson.
We'll see you tomorrow.
Bye-bye-bye.