Name: Pete Holmes on Conan #2 (Magic)
Uploaded: 2011-11-21T02:01:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pete Holmes on Conan #2 (Magic)' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-11-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pete Holmes on Conan #2 (Magic)' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-11-21. Transcript available.

- My next guest is a comedian whose new album,
Impregnated with Wonder, is available now.
Please welcome back, the very funny, Pete Holmes!
- Thank you very, very much.
Oh gosh, it's wonderful to be here.
I was actually just in New York.
You ever hail a cab just to stop it from hitting you?
Never know what to tip those guys.
Big week in my apartment building this week,
the very big week, the phone book arrived.
Yeah, thank God.
I don't know how I was getting by without the phone book.
Opened the door, it was staring up at me from the floor like,
"Here, we printed a portion of the internet
"for you to throw away."
It's a lot of fun to tell jokes.
I'm just so glad I'm not a magician.
Have you taken a moment today to be grateful
that you're not a magician?
There's so much pressure.
Comedy audiences come out to have a good time.
Magic is the only kind of entertainment
where 90% of the crowd is trying to ruin it for themselves.
Go to a magic show, just a sea of closed-minded,
threatened dudes, just like, "Nope.
"No, no way, that ain't possible.
"Mirror, some sort of mirror.
"You ain't sawing her in half."
Like, "Yeah, you did it.
"You proved what none of us were trying to prove.
"The boy on stage is not actually a wizard."
And there's always dudes who, "Mirror, no, no way."
Girls are into it.
They're like, "There is something more."
That's how you should be.
That's how I am.
I love magic.
Look at my friendly, open face.
I sit in the front row.
Do I volunteer?
You're damn right I volunteer.
A magician drops his fake thumb.
I didn't see nothing.
I want to believe.
I live in a non-magic world all day.
Make it magic.
I was at a show recently where I saw a man fly.
Listen to me.
I didn't misspeak.
A man, a wingless mammal, took flight.
You're not thinking, imagine if I flew right now.
If I could figure out the muscle in my butt
that I need to flex.
That's working, and I just took off.
I flew above the audience, picked some of you up with me.
We flew around.
Best night of our lives.
And I saw this, and suddenly I'm eight again,
and I'm filled with majesty.
And the guy next to me, I don't know this guy.
Who's this guy?
Leans over me and goes, "Some magnet."
Magnet, he can't fly.
Magnet.
First of all, shut your mouth and enjoy the show.
Second of all, that explains nothing.
What does that mean?
He stuffs his pocket with magnets.
The stage is a magnet.
That would look terrible.
I think those are just two things he doesn't understand.
Like, I don't get magnets, and I don't get this.
This is magnets.
One time I had two pieces of metal.
They wouldn't touch.
Then I flipped one.
Then they would.
That's how he flies.
Must be very frustrating, too, for the magician,
because there's no noise to make when you see a magic trick
for the audience.
With comedy, it's very rewarding because there's a built-in
biological response, which is laughter.
But with magic, there's nothing.
You can see the best trick in the world.
Whatever noise you make sounds condescending and fake.
It can be like, "Okay, Pete, what was your card?"
You can tell me.
Tell us now.
What was your card?
It was the Three of Clubs, okay, yeah.
And you signed it.
Is that right?
You signed it.
Yeah, okay.
And then you put it in this barrel of fire.
Is that correct?
We all watched as you placed it in a barrel of fire.
Yeah, and the whole time I was blindfolded upside down
in a tank of water.
Is that correct?
Yeah, it's back.
Three of Clubs.
And now it's all on you, and you just have to be like,
"Whoo."
"How?"
"Not what I expected."
It must suck.
I bet it's the dream of every magician in the world
that there would be some sort of involuntary,
knee-jerk response to seeing magic.
That they would be like,
"The tiger was over here.
Voila, it's over here."
And people would just be like,
"MGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
Thank you very, very much, everybody.
That was very silly.
Appreciate it.
Pete, that was great.
Thank you very much.
DeMarian, again, Pete Holmes!
We'll take a break.
We'll be right back.
Stick around.