Name: Good Will Batman (Explicit Version)
Uploaded: 2013-09-09T18:53:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Good Will Batman (Explicit Version)' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-09-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Good Will Batman (Explicit Version)' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-09-09. Transcript available.

Coming soon to the Criterion Collection, Good Will Hunting,
recut and remastered like you've never seen it before.
Matt Damon, Robin Williams, and introducing Ben Affleck.
I know what you ordered. I was there.
As Batman.
So give me that fucking sandwich.
What do you mean your sandwich? I bought it.
Give me the 16 cents you got on you now and we'll put your fucking sandwich on
layaway.
Are you going to be an asshole?
What am I? Sandwich welfare?
Can I have my food now, please?
There's a fucking double burger.
Now where are these other sandwiches going?
Huh?
Swear to me.
The New York Times says, wait, what?
We've already offered you a position.
Retainer.
Retainer.
You want us to give you cash right now?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're a suspect.
Yeah, you.
Just like all my foes.
The Joker.
The Riddler.
Sometimes Catwoman.
I mean, what's her deal?
One night it's all like, oh, oh, you're my nighttime dress-up friend.
And it's like, oh, I stole your sentimental mom necklace because I'm a villain.
Make up your mind, Selena.
And USA Today says this has to be some sort of Man of Steel promo, right?
I'm going to fucking live here the rest of my life.
Look, you're my best friend, so don't take this the wrong way.
But if in 20 years you're still living here, I'll fucking kill you.
And I'm Batman.
Batman doesn't kill.
But for the sin of wasting a beautiful math mind, I'll make an exception.
Oh, come on.
Why is it always this?
I mean, I fucking owe it to myself to do this.
Is that what if I'm not supposed to?
No, no, no, fuck you.
You don't owe it to yourself.
You owe it to me.
I'd give anything to have what you got so I wouldn't have to spend my nights in
a dank cave
solving riddles with a preposterously large computer.
You're smarter than my really large science cave computer will.
And that's in a lottery ticket.
You gotta cash in.
Don't be...
Don't be a pussy.
Being here is a fucking waste of your time.
It's an insult to all of us that you're even here right now.
Go Patriots!
Good Will Hunting.
Re-cut and re-mastered.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
I'm so sorry.
Hey, can I get out on this?
I've been having a lot of guilt over the murder of my parents.
Was that my fault?
Was it Dr. Robin Williams?
Pre-order today.
I've been having a lot of guilt over the murder of my parents.