Name: Ex-Men: Wolverine
Uploaded: 2013-10-14T20:42:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ex-Men: Wolverine' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-10-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ex-Men: Wolverine' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-10-14. Transcript available.

Wolverine. Cool guy. Everybody's favorite. Wolverine. Favorite X-Man. Look, I've
been going over your file and I've made the decision to fire you because you
are worthless.
What? You're worthless and you're fired. Fire. Let's add listening to your
already impressive list of skills. I'll put it right next to made of metal, the
substance that the guy we fight the most can manipulate with his mind. But I've
got these. Yes. Very impressive. Also made of metal, but I guess handy. For all
those fights where you can get right next to the person you need to attack.
This is your power. That's it. You flail. I'm pretty important to this team, bub.
Okay. Let's say Magneto is on one side of a bridge and he's killing a lot of
people. Like a lot. And we arrive on the other side of the bridge. I'm going to
run at him. You're going to run at Magneto. I'm very fast.
Okay. Even if you're very fast. Still going to take you quite a while. A couple
minutes. That's what? Three dozen people dead? Or storm. Fly over. Two seconds.
Suck him into a hurricane. Into a goddamn hurricane. Problem solved.
I have a motorcycle. Maybe I'd ride that.
What is a motorcycle made of?
Tubes.
I'm sorry. You say tubes?
Glass and tubes.
I could really feel you picturing a motorcycle and trying. It's made of med...
Med...
Metal?
Metal.
Metal.
It's made of metal.
It's made of metal, which Magneto can twist and bend and throw you off the
bridge and now you're f***ing dead.
I'm very useful to the team.
I guess. When you're not off somewhere having harrowing visions of your origin.
Oh, where did I come from?
Where did I come from, though?
No, you're not hearing me. No one gives a hot s***.
But where did I come from?
Get a journal, Logan.
You're going to have to find gainful employment somewhere else.
But what will I do?
Where do I go?
I don't really give a s***.
If I had my way, you and Beast would be over at the airport sniffing bags for
the GSA.
It's one of your things, isn't it?
I can smell really far.
That does not help us.
You do not help us.
I have a motorcycle.
You're not all here, are you?
I'm not all there.
Are you just saying back to me what I am saying?
Did you just repeat what I said?
Wolverine, I'm going to write you a prescription for an antipsychotic that I'd
like you to take.
I have a motorcycle.
You're fired.
I'd kill you with my mind, but it doesn't feel right.
I feel like I'd be putting down a special needs member of the cast of Footloose.
Huh?
Going to go fight some nerds?
Hey, Wolverine, you want to see my claws?
Hey, bub.
F*** you.