Name: Batman Vs. Superman
Uploaded: 2013-10-17T13:44:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Batman Vs. Superman' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-10-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Batman Vs. Superman' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-10-17. Transcript available.

I know you're here. You can come out.
What do you want, Clark?
It's like this, Bruce.
Sooner or later, somebody's going to ask me to bring you in.
Someone with authority.
When that happens...
When that happens, Clark, be the best man we've made.
Bruce, I think it's time we put our differences aside and work together.
What? I... What? I mean, why?
You're Batman.
Yeah, and I have no special powers.
I'm basically just rich in nuts. Rich in nuts.
Bruce, your scientific mind alone...
Is completely useless when we have a man that bullets literally bounce off of.
Your fighting skills?
My main nemesis is Bane. Basically just a roided out jock with a gas mask. And
he straight up broke my back.
You could've taken him down with one hand. And with the other hand, he could've
just jerked you.
D-d-d-d-d-d. Super jerk!
It's just... I don't...
You're cool.
Oh, okay. I get it. You're having an image problem.
Don't be ridiculous. I'm Superman.
Yeah, exactly. You're fuckin' white bread. You're boring.
Look at you and your stupid outfit.
My father gave me this outfit.
And your dad's dead. Get over your dead parents already.
Didn't your parents die?
Don't bring it up! I was a boy! Now I'm a boy!
I'm sorry.
My suit is cool! 'Cause I made it myself. Daddy's boy. You got a stupid "S" on
your chest. In case we could forget who you are.
It's my people's symbol for hope.
Hope starts with an "H", stupid.
Okay. Okay. Stop.
Patient. You're late.
You're wearing eye makeup!
Fuck you! I didn't just inherit my abilities from a different fucking
atmosphere.
This air makes me strong. You fucking nerd. With your nerd hair.
Batman! Superman! I saw the bat signal. What's going on?
Commissioner Gordon, Batman and I were discussing a partnership.
Wait, but why?
That's what I said.
Yeah. That seems completely unnecessary.
Right?
I've been dealing with you lunatics for about a decade. And this is... I can't
believe it. I'm gonna say this.
I'm in total agreement with Batman.
Feels good.
Why are you guys being this way?
Somebody's gotta tell you, man.
You're boring.
Pretty lame.
Even your alter ego. I mean, I picked like 1970s Hugh Hefner. You picked like
one of the Newsies.
Yeah, what is it?
I didn't base my alter ego off of the musical Newsies.
Which newsie did you base Clark Kent off of?
Was it crutchy?
I'm not crutchy.
Getting a strong feeling that it was crutchy.
I'm not crutchy.
And I'd prefer if we didn't discuss my alter ego around the commissioner.
Take it easy, crutchy. I know that you're Clark Kent.
What?
Um, newsflash. It takes a little more than wearing a hat and/or glasses to fool
people.
Really?
Check this out. Watch.
Uh-oh. I'm someone else. Are you fooled? I'm not Commissioner Gordon. He's gone.
Who are you?
Where's Commissioner Gordon?
Oh, you're back. Commissioner. There was someone else. Superman. You saw him.
There was another man.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
He's hiding in the shadows.
The man's gone.
You know what? Screw you guys. Just, just forget it.
You know, all this lameness might be one of the reasons why you've never been
able to seal the deal with Lois Lane.
Leave her out of this.
She's always just throwing that brassy, sassy news reporter pooing in your face.
Like, hey, this just in. Put this just in me.
Stop.
What's the point of being the man of steel if you don't know how to use all
that metal? Hit it.
Enough!
You're adorable.
Yeah. What are you gonna do, sweetie? Burn us with your magic eyes? That'd be a
first.
You always use it for something lame, like cutting through an iceberg or
heating up an old woman's porridge.
Is that soup too cold, madam? I'd use that stuff to take off Payne's arms.
Stop it! I came here to team up! Not to be berated!
Hey, Clark. Guess what I'm doing under the cape? Use your x-ray vision. I'll
save you the trouble.
I'm giving you the bird. What's this mean on Krypton? Gratitude?
Ouch!
Goodbye!
What a dick.
Yeah. The letter S is also the symbol for hope on my planet. I'm glad they're
dead.
Wow.
Where is the commissioner? Do it! Oh, you're back.
And I hate you again.
Yeah. I'm confused easily.