Name: Ike Barinholtz: Extended Cut
Uploaded: 2013-11-08T03:51:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ike Barinholtz: Extended Cut' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ike Barinholtz: Extended Cut' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-08. Transcript available.

Please welcome everybody, Ike Barinholtz, Ike Barinholtz!
Just stay like this for 12 minutes.
So I understand you're on the Mindy Project.
Yeah, it's been pretty exciting, pretty exciting season.
Cool!
Yeah.
Is that a real hospital?
No, it's actually a set at Universal Studios.
Oh, Orlando, Florida?
No, no, no, right across Barham.
Oh my...
Yeah.
Oh, I was thinking of the one with the rides.
No, no, no, there's an amusement park portion of it, but that's totally
separate.
Common mistake, Pete.
Do you?
You're really, really sweating.
I know, I'm generating so many BTUs.
I know, it's hot.
Did you see "The Matrix"?
Only the sequels.
I was lost.
I was lost.
Did you watch "Lost"?
Yes.
The series?
Yes, yes.
Nice.
They were all in purgatory.
Oh.
The whole time.
Is that what it was?
Is that what it was?
Right?
Solid bit!
Solid bit!
Hey, put me right on.
Woo!
Solid bit.
I want to thank you for having me on as your first guest of your first episode!
I brought you a gift.
I...
Okay.
I...
Last minute.
I...
Who's gonna get you a gift card?
I got you some crackers.
These look gluten-free.
They are gluten-free.
Wait, one is gluten-free.
One is gluten-free.
One has extra gluten.
It's like a horrible...
- These look gluten-free. - They are gluten-free.
Wait, one is gluten-free, one has extra gluten.
It's like a horrible...
Kind of like that Iocane powder scene.
- Right! - This better not be the gluten.
Which one is the gluten?
That's Wallace Shawn from The Princess Bride.
Any-anybody-anybody want a peanut?
That's Andre the Giant from The Princess Bride.
Uh...
Why didn't you give me a paper cut and put lemon juice in it?
That's Billy Crystal from The Princess Bride.
Smell bad.
My name is Nigel Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Let's just do the whole movie.
Okay, I'll be the old man, you be Fred Savage.
- Go. - Oh, no, let me be the old man. Can I be the old man?
- Okay. - All right.
I got... I got a great... I know you're sick.
I got a great story. This is great.
This was a book that I read when I was a little boy.
I want to play games and run.
Shouldn't Daniel Stern's voice kick in his head?
It was a moment like that that I knew my grandpa would die soon.
One more thing. You claim to be sick.
But, uh... that's Columbo and Stern.
Oh, my God, I didn't realize that was Columbo.
You know who's gonna love this episode? Farmers.
You know, that was a big risk we took, 'cause it was like the whole premise of
the monologue was, "I'm joking."
Yeah, no, I know.
You know what I mean. We're always joking, but it was like... it was a joke.
So the fact that the audience was like, "We'll go there," made me feel a warmth
in my heart like E.T.
I saw a guy in coveralls get up and storm out.
Ha! Outrage.
I don't come here for this.
I do like the thought of a farmer at home being like, "Let's give that new guy
a shot."
You know, uh... you know that fella?
He's a stand-up comedian. I saw him at, uh, the Stress Factory one time.
This guy was fantastic.
What the hell?!
Pitchfork at the TV!
Not to perpetuate any stereotypes, but when farmers don't like it...
They will throw a pitchfork right at... they're like Elvis with guns.
Yeah, of course.
Then they shuffle to the kitchen for coffee that we would consider too strong.
Just like an old... like cowboy coffee.
Yeah, like... it's like... it's solid matter.
Yes.
It's not liquid.
Right, right, right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's that dark matter they discovered most of the world.
It's dark matter.
That's what farmers drink when they're upset at Pete Holmes.
So...
You know, I'm glad you're on the show.
Mmm.
It's just water.
Mmm.
Mmm.
That's good.
Look, I'm glad you're on the show because people do think we're the same person.
Yeah, I know.
I met you a couple days ago and we talked about this.
Yeah.
And I was like, people come up to me all the time and say, "You're great on the
Mini Project."
So much so that I just say thank you now.
That's... I appreciate that.
Yeah.
That's good.
I go, "Thanks."
You're gonna be like, "I saw you, man, at the improv, man, you killed."
Yeah.
And I'm like, "That's not me.
That's Pete Holmes."
Oh, you go honest.
Yeah, I do.
'Cause I don't wanna...
No, go ahead.
Really?
It's like that change-up movie.
'Cause you... you're married and have kids.
You could be... you could be me.
And just go home alone and eat soup.
That's what the change-up was about, right?
I get to be Ryan Reynolds!
Beep, beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
You're not picturing rotating soup.
It's-it's right here.
It's Campbell's...
Yeah.
...peel-away lid.
We got it.
We're, uh, we're improvisers.
Mmm.
We actually did.
We came from the same improv theater in Chicago.
Chicago.
That's right, yeah.
That's why we're both a little fat.
Yeah, you gotta...
You don't want anybody to go, "This guy is not doughy enough to be funny."
No, there's never been someone who's like, "I saw this improviser from Chicago,
so funny, so skinny."
Right.
It doesn't happen.
Here's something else.
We're big people.
You gotta be a big people?
Yeah.
I-I like to, you know, when I'm doing stand-up, I want people to go, "I'd like
to sleep on that man."
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, he looks like a-like a-I could just talk to him all night about my problems
and not have sex with him.
Exactly.
Yes.
What a sweet, doughy, non-sexual threat.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That man that's oblong and kind of shaped like a rhombus.
Oh, he's like a-he's like a white grimace.
I'm glad we're being on camera at the same time and proving to America once and
for all.
We are separate human beings.
We're separate human beings.
We could, like, parent-trap someone, though.
We could, like, parent-trap someone, though.
Though.
But I'm Pete Holmes and I smell bad.
You said it!
I got you.
You were so stupid just now.
I did get sweaty dancing earlier.
I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry."
I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry."
I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry."
I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry."
I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry."
I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry."
I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry."
I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry."
I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry."
I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry."
I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry."
I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry."
I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry."
I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry."
I mean, he can't be.
They've been like 400 episodes.
He can't constantly be like, "Wait a minute."
I know.
The murderer.
No, it's impossible.
It's like House.
The third act of House, he's like, "Oh, House was right."
Yeah, at some point, they just gotta be like, in the first scene.
They're like, "Well, House is right.
He's always right."
Right.
He's never been wrong.
Right.
Let him take his pills.
He loves those pills.
Yes.
You ever recreationally enjoy a Vicodin?
I'm stoned right now.
Are you?
I do.
You did a little weed smoke?
Your talent booker gave me a handful of opiates before I came in.
You're saying J.P. Buck gave you a handful?
Yes.
He's laughing right now, but he's in big trouble.
A handful?
Yeah.
Just a handful of opiates.
I'm so wasted.
I'm so horny.
I talked to a young man in the crowd who was very horny.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
He's 17.
Oh, my God.
He's a boner.
He's a boner wearing shoes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're a living boner.
Every woman you see, you could see Janet Reno.
Yeah.
I want to have sex with her right now.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's a very confusing time.
The good thing is that that only lasts until you're, like, 75.
I feel like.
When I was a kid, when I was his age, I used to worry that at some point I
would have to, I don't know why God would tell me, you have to apologize to
everyone you've ever thought about while masturbating.
Oh, my God.
That's like Schindler's List.
I can't.
Well, no, no, not because they're Jewish.
I...
Because it's a long list of thousands of people.
You could have said Santa's List.
Oh.
But you went right to the Holocaust.
Yeah, yeah.
The two whitest...
What are you, Irish?
I'm Jewish, though.
Oh, you're Jewish?
Yeah, so I get a get-out-of-jail-free card.
Those of you who laughed at that joke, you're anti-Semitic.
And your names are being written down on the Hollywood blog.
On the Hollywood blog.
Hollywood blog.
I, uh, I worked at this office in Chicago.
This, uh, I don't want to say the name.
CTA.
CTA.
Chicago Transit Authority.
That's the name.
Yeah, I'm aware of it.
I love the brown line.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, yeah.
Thank you, thank you.
I'm a Green Line guy.
Um, but I remember it was, like, the early days of the Internet, you know?
And one of the guys taught me how to do, like, a Google image.
Not even Google back then.
Like, a...
Yeah.
Lycos, whatever the hell it was.
Web-web crawler.
A web crawler, yeah, yeah.
Remember when you were like, this Ask Jeeves is going places.
Right, right, right.
He's already a butler and they just started.
Right, right.
Right now, Jeeves is at some retirement home being like,
"When are they gonna ask me this again?"
This is...
This is bullshit.
But I remember, you know, I was doing Internet story and I found, like, someone
posted photos
online of...
Remember Madonna's book called Sex?
Yeah.
She had, like, these very raunchy photos, you know?
Very tasteful, erotic photos.
Tasteful, erotic, very, very hot.
I remember I found these and I was like, "Oh, my God, these are great.
I'm gonna print these."
And then later...
Yes.
...masturbate to them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You set a master date.
I set a master date.
I did.
I was young, so it's okay.
Um, and I was like, "Oh, I'm gonna print this one.
Click.
Oh, that's great.
Click.
Print.
Amazing print."
And I went over to the printer, you know, and it wasn't working, you know?
And it was, like, 4:48 on a Friday afternoon.
So I was like, "Screw this."
I just turned the printer off.
Then Monday morning...
Oh, no.
...my boss comes in with a stack of images.
It plops down.
It's like Madonna, like, eating Vanilla Ice's butt, you know?
Like, plops down.
He's like, "You can't use the internet anymore."
So, yeah.
Really bit me in the ass.
Then Jeeves came out, like, "Who's laughing now?"
You were quick to make fun of me earlier, weren't you?
I, uh, one final thing.
Really, we can wrap up whenever, but I want to make sure we get this.
Then why'd you say that?
I don't know.
Unions?
Nah, it's a union thing.
Whenever it's a showbiz thing that I don't understand.
Yeah, yeah.
Unions.
I'm so sorry.
We're gonna have to have your car.
I want your car.
It's a union issue.
Yeah.
I'm so sorry.
I know.
You, uh, you were on MADtv.
Yes.
I know you do some impression.
And I've been told you do a wonderful Bane.
Bane from Batman.
Bane from Batman.
Yes.
You do a great Batman.
Well...
I like the turn this has taken.
Yes.
I would imagine it's those guys together when they're not fighting.
You're setting it up like we planned it, but we...
We really honestly did not.
Now I feel like the expectation is, like, they're gonna do a duet.
No, no, no, no.
You're just gonna hear the voices and then you're gonna go, uh, where'd we park?
What if it's, what if it's, um, what if it's Batman and Bane at Buffalo Wild Wings?
Okay.
Okay.
We can get a different suggestion, by the way, so this doesn't seem...
I, I, I, you know, they are a sponsor.
Okay, then Buffalo Wild Wings.
Great.
It's a great, you know what?
It's just, it's a great place to watch the game and grab a beer.
Brought to you by heartburn at the airport.
Okay.
So, uh, um...
Ooh.
Are you thinking boneless or with bones?
Here I go boneless.
So many sauces, Batman.
So many different sauces.
I'm thinking garlic parmesan myself.
I should do this, sorry.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
They have, they have, uh, waffle fries.
I like the waffle fries.
Waffles in the morning.
Fries in the lunchtime.
Seinfeld Batman.
So, so maybe, maybe, maybe we, we get 20 wings and some waffle fries and maybe
we share a dessert.
Now you have my permission for fries.
That's so stupid.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right, you say it.
We need the card.
Uh, thanks to Ike Bernholz.
We'll be right back with more show.
Thanks, Pete.
Thanks, Pete.
To the boss.