Name: Pete Meets Rachel Maddow
Uploaded: 2013-11-14T09:50:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pete Meets Rachel Maddow' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pete Meets Rachel Maddow' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-14. Transcript available.

so I am pretty new to this whole show hosting thing so I've been checking out
other hosts to see how they do it so I can steal ideas from them blatantly one
of the hosts one of the hosts that was kind enough to let me do this was Rachel
Maddow of MSNBC we sat down in her office in New York let's watch it because
we filmed it hey everybody it's me Pete Holmes and I'm sitting with one of my
favorite cable newscast people sure one of my favorite hosts of all time and
it's Rachel Maddow and I'm so thrilled you're here thanks I'm a new host what
advice would you have for me going into into the into the grind of four days a
week if four days we're doing four days a week yeah can I have your job yeah
five
days a week is harder than four days a week I bet yeah um so uh the advice I
would give you is I felt sassed it was kind of old-timey it's like it sounds
like
five would be one day harder old fella wooden nickel make sure that you make a
complete list of all the good friends and people who you trust in the world
right
now because all of a sudden people who you don't remember being friends with
will
claim that they've been friends with you forever because now you're on TV
interesting yes as Eminem said all of a sudden I have some five million cousins
keep it real em you're happy oh I'm happy yeah I know I'm happy you can tell
you're happy oh thank you yeah you feel it yeah well you just seem like people
I
think you you seem like a guy who has something to offer and people who are
unhappy don't necessarily have that well yeah it's either giving or taking
right
some people you're talking to him and you can kind of feel something being
sucked out of
you and then that when two people that have something to give get together I
think you
do bounce the light around you ping it and you pong it what's the light around
yeah
we'll be right back
we'll be right back you're tall for a lady you're 5'11 and and and I'm tall
for a fella mm-hmm you're tall especially tall for a lady I'm abnormally large
for a woman
love it my girlfriend is the normal height of a girl she's the average so she's
shorter than you
she's shorter than me she's I'm 5'11 she's like 5'5 or so I don't she wears
heels but the here's the
smart thing about our functional lesbian relationship is that she's allowed to
choose the height of the furniture so all of our couches and chairs are very
low to the ground and
it's sort of like you kind of approach as a tall person and go whoa I'm going
now whoa but that
appropriate size furniture is part of a FLR FLR functioning lesbian
relationship
you call it a FLR FLR yeah I've had a lot of flurries in my time I love it but
men are are shells of
people and we're afraid and height is one of those things as a tall person I'm
glad I don't have to
worry about that but height jawline hairline yeah age and then of course the
equipment I know very
little about male genitalia you're not missing much it's I think it's overrated
I kind of have a
theory that everyone's just faking like oh look at that yeah gay men and
straight women like this is
important right it's just like it's like wine you just give value to it like oh
it's a fine
one that's a great penis what are you basing that on the age the barrel talking
dicks we'll be right
back I keep my hair a certain length so I can pretend to be a cop I'm not
joking we have similar hair
you could also be a police officer this is cop hair this is like detective hair
though you oh you're
called in after I you tell me to beat it you come in with those glasses like scram
this is my
jurisdiction and I'm like a good cop man that's something you could teach me I'm
a host and you
have gravitas and I'm a goof I don't think I have gravitas you have more you
know you're a very funny
lady and incredibly talented but you you can when needed focus it up and do the
news there's a thing
that happens in cable news which is that we make fun of the breaking news trope
like let's call this
breaking news even though it obviously isn't right and I'm unwilling to do that
because we do actually
have the responsibility to sometimes convey that something important is going
on sure we're live
on TV if something is important you work we are going to stay on TV and
somebody hands you a piece
of paper yeah could you read like a very silly like news story that we wrote
you but read it seriously
this just in and someone hands this this just in several kittens were found in
a barrel of cotton candy
uh their names were bing bong ding dong sorry and clumpy butterfuck though uh
clumpy went wee wee on bing
bong up next up next a dog with two butts have you ever done mushroom no you
should do mushrooms really
oh why it's not really a drug it's an awakening
that's really good
i like this the throwaway last question mushrooms yeah this was truly a delight
oh thanks
oh are you not a hugger no i'm a hugger now
yeah people who do mushrooms are huggers