Name: How Do Things Work? Monologue November 14, 2013
Uploaded: 2013-11-15T11:13:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How Do Things Work? Monologue November 14, 2013' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How Do Things Work? Monologue November 14, 2013' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-15. Transcript available.

Nice to see you. We're a new show, so I'm still kind of playing with how to
come out.
That time I took my step down quite gingerly.
Not a keeper. Okay. No more gingerly stepping. Okay, I'll try something else.
Hey.
Hey.
We found our thing.
Thanks so much for being here, everybody. I'm Pete Holmes. This is The Pete
Holmes Show.
I want to talk about this. We live in a strange, modern time.
Such a strange thing to declare.
Hey, have you noticed we live in this strange, modern time?
That's not necessary. Everybody that's been alive lived in a modern time.
Nobody alive was ever like, I have a feeling we're in the good old days.
You know what I mean? It's always been a modern time.
But one of the things I want to say I've noticed about our modern time is I
think that the phrase, the word rather, computers, has replaced the phrase, I
don't know.
Have you noticed that?
They completely don't need I don't know anymore. You can just say computers.
I was leaving a movie, and there were a lot of visual effects.
And the kid said to his dad, he goes, Dad, how did they make the monsters look
so real?
And the dad, just without thinking, went, uh, computers.
Computers. No more discussion. Computers.
What he really meant was, I don't know.
I'll never know.
And I'm so scared.
It's just something you say when you don't know what else to say, like, it is
what it is.
Or, sorry for your loss.
Too real?
Where'd grandma go?
Computers?
But listen, I get it.
I don't know how anything works.
Anything.
I don't know how it works.
Look at this stage.
Everything.
On the stage.
I'm completely unaware of how it works.
The camera.
How does that work?
No idea.
Fake plant.
How do you, how do you make a fake plant?
No clue.
You guys are like, I feel you not caring.
You're like, yeah, we live in a weird and wonderful time.
Make with the jokes.
And that's fine.
But I wish I knew about more things.
Because, you know, like, scientists are working on a cell phone battery that's
powered by urine.
It's exciting.
A cell phone battery powered by urine.
When I actually heard that news, I was so excited, I charged a battery in my
pants.
That's, it's not true.
And that's a terrible, terrible joke.
That's an awful joke that we left in there for a real moment that we're now
experiencing.
Feel that?
Something's happening right now.
But honestly, this is why I don't know if that's amazing.
Is urine, a urine powered battery, is that special?
Are they all urine?
I don't know what's in a battery.
What is in a battery?
Hot sand?
I'm a grown man.
That's my guess.
Hot sand?
I think the only person that knows how batteries work is the guy who invented
them.
Michael, uh, Michael Batteries?
That's not his real name.
It's Tony.
Tony Michael Batteries.
So Tony Michael, TM Batteries, he figured it out and we all just stopped
looking into it.
Like, batteries work, we got it, who cares how.
But it's not just batteries, metal.
Metal.
Where do we get metal?
This is not a bit.
I have no idea where we get metal.
Is it an earthquake, a volcano?
Every time I see people making metal, they're reaching into fire with other
metal!
Where did the first metal come from?
You need metal to make metal?
You don't know?
You all acted like you knew?
None of us have a f***ing idea!
My point is, if I traveled back in time, I would be completely useless.
I would tell all the primitive people of a better life with modern convenience,
but I would have no idea how to bring them there.
They'd be like, I'd be going up to them like, oh, I see you like naked ladies.
Uh, well, in the future, you can look at naked ladies, listen to this, naked
ladies, anytime you want, for free, on the internet.
Oh, oh.
What?
In the back?
What?
What's the internet?
I don't know, computers?
I don't know, computers.