Name: Monologue: Being 34
Uploaded: 2013-11-20T14:39:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monologue: Being 34' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monologue: Being 34' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-20. Transcript available.

This is true. I'm 34. Why would I lie? I'm 34 years old. Yeah, you should
applaud that.
I've wanted to be in my 30s my entire life. That's true. That is true. I would
never lie
to you. Even when I was 12, I was like, that looks pretty sweet. I've got to
get out of
this sandbox and into a cardigan. That's going to be great. Box of wine,
scratchy pants.
Yeah. And little P was right. Being 34 is the best. It's the best. I don't
understand
people that want to extend their 20-something behavior into their 30s. Just be
30. Don't
walk around with your vintage fake Atari t-shirt, ironically reading a copy of
Good Night Moon
you got at Urban Outfitters. You're 30. Be 30. It's the best. Come join me in
30. It's
great. You get to do all sorts of new things. Adult, grown-up. That sounds like
sex. You can have sex at any, well, there's certain, hmm.
Some ages are better than others for sex. I'll leave that, hmm. Okay, just
steer away from
this topic. What I'm saying is you can do things that are fun to do as a grown
person,
like waking up earlier than you need to. That is, right? That is a sign I'm 34.
I wake up
before I need to. When I was in my 20s, I would set my alarm 15 minutes before
I had to be
at work. Not before I had to leave for work, before I had to be at work. 15
minutes to go
go to the bathroom, shower, and commute to my job as a waiter. And I'd hit the
snooze button. Like,
I'll just shit at Bennigan's.
But now I'm in my 30s. I get up early. I elect to get up early, and I have a
morning. That's grown-up shit.
Having a morning. You know, I get up an hour before I even have to leave for
work. Open it with one of
these stretches. Like a cartoon dad. That even felt good just doing it in the
bit.
Why don't we do that more? Water my lawn in my open bathrobe.
Sipping coffee out of my lucky mug. Just humming a song. A song that doesn't
even exist. Just the
madness in my mind. Like, la-da-da-dee. La-da-da. You know how grown people do
that?
If you're ever waiting in line behind someone in their 30s, 40s, or 50s at like
a Barnes & Noble,
listen to the tune. It's not a song. It's just something like, "I've heard all
the songs.
Here's something from me." Shiba-doo-doo! Shii-hoo-hoo! That's what I do.
Because I'm owning 34.
Here's one of the main differences between being in your 20s and being in your
30s for me. Like,
the other day, I went to the Hollywood Bowl. I went to a rock and roll concert.
Uh, you know,
that's what we people in our 30s call them. Rock and roll concerts. It's fun
watching people in their
20s react to hearing that because it really, really gets their goat. Uh, yeah,
we also say
gets their goat. That's a... But it was a great crowd. This is my point. It was
a great crowd at
the show. It was a great audience, a lot of electricity, a lot of energy in the
air, and a great show.
And, uh, as soon as the band came out to do their, like, first encore, this is
how I know I'm 34,
I turned to my friend and went, "We should get the out of here so we can beat
traffic."
And he was like, "Hell yes, 'cause he's in his 30s, too."
But when you're 20, you feel like you have to stay. We gotta stay for the big
encore. Why?
You know what's better than hearing the encore? Guessing what it's gonna be
and blasting that song in your car as you sail home through clear streets.
Just don't worry. Yeah.
34!
You can listen to Free Fall and All the Way Home.
And then you know where you'll be? Hey, guys, you know where you'll be then?
Home.
The best place.
34-year-old Pete loves home.
Home.
Unnecessary swear.
Home.
Bed.
Snacks.
The home toilet advantage.
The evening shower.
Is there anything better than an elective evening shower?
You don't even need it. You just want to stand in the glory of hot water
like God loves you with warm rain, like a goddamn prince.
Just like...
Be glad you're 34!