Name: Compliments Monologue November 20, 2013
Uploaded: 2013-11-21T14:04:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Compliments Monologue November 20, 2013' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Compliments Monologue November 20, 2013' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-21. Transcript available.

I don't know if you know this, I was married when I was a young, when I was
young, I was
married, was no longer married, not married anymore, didn't work out, good
empathy, I
feel that silent, don't feel bad, it just didn't work out, I was 22, I was 22
when I
got married, 22, the same age I was when someone asked me to draw a map of the
world and I
just straight up forgot South America, the same, that same year that I omitted
a huge
continent that children are aware of, I decided to pledge my life to another
woman,
you know what I mean, another, well, to a woman, to a woman, one revelation at
a time,
I'm divorced, I'm not yet ready to tell you I'm a woman, anyway, when I look
back on my
relationship, I realized that there were a lot of things I could have done
better,
you know what I mean, she ended it, but I, you know, I was at fault a little
bit, that's
right, just another late night monologue where the host examines the role he
played in the
decay of his own marriage, yep, pretty standard, I can feel you like, they did
it on Camel,
but if I may, for all, I want to give some advice to all the lovers out there,
first of all, don't call yourself lovers, that's just, that's gross, like, hey,
Beth and I are
lovers, do you have a spare bedroom? Don't do that, it's gross, but real advice,
don't put your
partner on a pedestal, that's real, that's something I used to do in my
marriage, I used to say all sorts
of stupid things to my ex, just like, oh, you're perfect, oh, boo-boo, oh, boo-boo,
you are
perfect, I was a surfer, oh, you're perfect, boo-boo, you're perfect, you're an
angel, you're a perfect
angel, I love you so much, I get, that one's okay, I love you, but calling
someone a perfect angel is
bullshit, that's bullshit, no one's a perfect angel, people are flawed,
imperfect beings that need to
be loved for who they really are, angel, if they're really an angel, then your
love doesn't mean
anything, everybody loves angels, no one's ever been waving a broom around
their house, like, get out of
here, angels, people love angels, but a real compliment is an angel, a real
compliment is loving somebody,
even though you see them, Avatar style, I see you, I see your shit, Julie, I
see all of it, and I still
want to have pajama movie night, you know what I mean, I love you because you're
perfect, that,
how about, I love you even though I know you had a panic attack at Macaroni
Grill for ordering the
wrong entree, how about that, how about I still love you even though I know you
took a 15-minute cry
break in the ladies room because you should have got the eggplant parm, how
about that, isn't that true
love, how about I love you even though last night I watched you playing Grand
Theft Auto and you
helped a lady you saw getting mugged, which is nice, but then when you returned
her purse and she
didn't give you a reward, I saw you run her over with your car, even though
that's red flag sociopathic
behavior, let's make spoons and fall asleep on each other, that's intimacy,
that's a compliment I want,
and yes, that's something I really did in the game, 50 bucks, I saved you 500,
but that's true, I mean,
think about it, a thoughtless like, love you babe, like with no thought, love
you babe, that's like
giving someone a candle for their birthday, are you listening, a candle, from
Yankee Candle,
the thoughtless gift superstore, just a gift that screams, I don't know you as
well as you thought I did,
every candle should come with a card that says, hey, you like flickering light
and mild aromas probably,
happy anniversary from just another faceless stranger,
I'll admit it's a weird monologue, it started with divorce and fault and ended
with Yankee Candle,
Thank you.