Name: Silly Jokes Monologue November 21, 2013
Uploaded: 2013-11-22T16:53:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Silly Jokes Monologue November 21, 2013' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-22. Transcript available. The jokes you thought were dead are back, Baby!

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Silly Jokes Monologue November 21, 2013' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-22. Transcript available. The jokes you thought were dead are back, Baby!

Does anyone remember what they were wearing when they lost their virginity?
Does anyone in the audience specifically remember the shirt?
Oh, yes, really?
That is so absurd.
I do not remember what I was wearing when I lost my virginity.
I remember the face I was making.
That was it, exactly.
So I have some really exciting news right up top here.
You know what's back?
You know what's back?
Back in the whole zeitgeist here?
My wife!
That is back!
That is back!
Why aren't you more excited?
My wife from Borat is 100% back!
It's back!
My wife!
My wife isn't back.
My wife is still with a small Italian man.
But the phrase...
But the phrase...
Okay.
The phrase...
My wife is 100% back.
We've waited long enough.
And it's funny again.
I was at a party two nights ago.
And a guy was doing Borat from 2006.
He was doing it now.
He went...
I like you!
Do you like me?
And I laughed for about 15 minutes.
And I'm a professional comedian.
It's back!
It went away and we gave it enough time.
I call that joke a McRib because it's back!
And I'm loving it!
That's right.
That's worth applauding.
I'm not afraid of a stupid joke.
People are joke snobs.
They're like,
Oh, I don't make jokes like that.
They're never happy.
I don't go for jokes like that.
Live your life!
Live your life!
Live your life!
If it makes you happy, do it.
Make Schwarzenegger noises.
Go ahead.
Schwarzenegger noises.
Make Schwarzenegger noises.
People are like,
Oh, that's typical.
That's heck.
Everybody does that.
Yeah, because it's fun.
Do it.
Do it.
You're in your house alone waiting for pasta to boil.
That's a lonely moment.
Pepper it up.
Add some spice.
Just boil.
Do it.
Look at how much fun I'm having doing it right now for you.
That's an amazing gift.
Joy, listen, joy is waiting for you on the other side of a door.
And that door is unlocked.
And there are things that can open that door.
And they're like, Cosby.
Do Cosby.
Listen to me.
Cosby, do it.
Do it.
It works.
If you just watched it work on a grown man who's having a long day.
It's a delight.
People are like,
Oh, it's typical.
Everyone does it.
Cos it's fun as f**k.
Get out of my face.
Ruby.
Zero to fun in one word.
Ruby, Vanessa.
Malcolm's in my wonder.
You can say the actors' names.
You can say the characters' names.
Either way, you're in Happy Town.
Dancing.
Dancing a jig.
That's the official dance of Happy Town.
Make it dirty if you need to.
Have sex with a girl.
Oh, good.
You ever been having sex with a girl in your green plaid shirt?
And you're like, I'm going to remember this shirt forever and we're going to do
the shocker with the puddin' pop.
And it's a fun thing.
And it's not inappropriate.
Cosby had sex.
He had a bunch of kids.
You know how they got here?
I'll put the penis in the vagina and the desert open and the bumpin' and ah-ha-ha-ha-ha.
I'm sorry.
If that doesn't make you laugh, I can't help you.
I can't.
And if you're waiting on other jokes, they're going to be back.
They all have like a half-life, you know?
The radiation will be off of them.
Like, I have a beautiful vision of 2034 where not only is it funny, but it's
actually a good pick-up line to go up to a girl and be like,
Do I make you homey, baby?
That is coming.
And that is a great story of how you met my wife.
That's great.
That's a well-timed Austin Powers McRib, everybody.