Name: Everyday Pharaohs Monologue November 25, 2013
Uploaded: 2013-11-26T09:25:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Everyday Pharaohs Monologue November 25, 2013' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Everyday Pharaohs Monologue November 25, 2013' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-26. Transcript available.

I went out to dinner last night not to brag I don't want to brag I don't want
to start by
bragging but I have been to restaurants I got cash no big deal P.F. Chang's Outback
Boston
Market check check check but I went out to eat and I realized something kind of
fun right around
the time they gave me my free basket of bread that I didn't even ask for while
I was waiting
for them to deliver hand deliver an entree of my choosing something dawned on
me we live better
than pharaohs pharaohs us better we're everyday pharaohs it's crazy just a
regular old Sunday
night was way better than any day in the lives of the kings of old old o l d e
that's how old
wicked old we have menus think about that menus pages and pages of options pharaohs
one option
I'd just be like uh I'll have whatever the hunter killed what's that the hunter
was killed oh then
I'll have the hunter can you make that well done he was gross if you showed a
pharaoh the menu from
cheesecake factory his dick would fall off and pharaohs could forget about
substitutions I want that cue
card framed in my office and pharaohs could forget about substitutions oh here
he goes
we're all at Ruby Tuesdays making huge changes to the menu at no additional
cost just like oh yeah
could I have the veggie burger but could you make it a turkey burger but cook
it on the grill that you
cook the veggie burgers on because I want a turkey one that kind of tastes like
a veggie one
you can yeah just because I asked just now yeah and you'll keep refilling my
coke until the end of
time thanks what about delivery food from other cultures brought right to your
doorstep that's
amazing and they're penalized for taking longer than 30 minutes that's like a
big inconvenience for
most of history if you wanted Italian food you had to go to Italy that's true
on a boat you want some
Italian get a boat and gather up a group of able-bodied seamen are you
listening you think it's hard
getting six people to agree to a restaurant on a Friday night try getting six
people to agree on where
to set sail that's a bigger debate instead of a drawer in your kitchen full of
takeout menus you just have
a drawer filled with maps maps and a compass and keepsakes of people who died
trying to taste mozzarella
they didn't make it organic that'd be one guy walking around the neighborhood
rubberbanding maps to Thailand on
everyone's doorknob one house with a sign no maps so the next time you feel
down on living in a world that
isn't exactly perfect just remember it could be worse you could have been the
most powerful person in ancient egypt