Name: Joe And Noah's List Of Nothing
Uploaded: 2013-11-27T03:25:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe And Noah's List Of Nothing' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe And Noah's List Of Nothing' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-27. Transcript available.

- So these are your high ideas.
- So these, sort of, like these were things
that we genuinely thought could be funny
for a live show and then thought better of it.
- Realized they were nothing.
- Yeah, this is a shortened list.
We have hundreds of these.
We just picked a few.
- So you would try and come up with a lot of ideas,
realize they were bad, and then they found a home
in what you call the list of nothing.
- Yes.
So the list of nothing started with a play I wrote
called Cyrano de Bernie Mac.
It was gonna be like a struggling young black comic
was writing bad jokes.
So Bernie Mac comes, you get it.
- Yeah, we get it.
- Marky Market was a market that only sold Marky Mark CDs.
- Yeah.
And then like we had written out the commercial for it.
- It was a commercial.
- And it was gonna, they were gonna have really low prices.
So it was gonna be like, come down to Marky Market
where our prices are unbelievable.
Which is not a Marky Mark song.
- It didn't write that song.
- I know, but it fits the prices.
- It worked for the, it worked for Marky Market.
- So that's nothing.
- Bomb links.
- That's what Noah calls Will Smith.
- Yeah, I think he's the black Tom Hanks.
Like he, he gets like frustrated,
but you're still on his side.
Like you get it.
He's...
- Fingerbook.com.
- That's an online community
of all the people I fingered.
That's gross.
- Go to the next one.
- It's so many that it's a community.
Yes.
- Well, it's a small community
and you can't, you can't poke people.
You can just finger them.
It's right, it's the worst.
No, I mean, it's a bad idea.
- Yeah.
- It's nothing.
- Lincoln Navigator.
That's what Lincoln Park calls their bus driver.
- That's not Tommy Lee Jones.
That's the feeling you get
when you just need to see Tommy Lee.
- Yeah.
- The drummer.
- Get a Tommy Lee Jones.
- Yeah.
- These are truly nothing.
- No, no.
- These are truly.
- The thing that says Juilliard,
it's actually Hooliard.
That's where mariachi bands go.
- Yeah.
- Exactly.
- That one, well that one,
that one was written by my father.
He came up with that.
- Hooliard.
- And then Hispanic at the Disco
is our mariachi band.
- Yeah.
- Oh God.
- Should we, this one,
it sounds offensive.
- No, it looks bad.
It's actually not that bad.
9/11 was an inside joke,
was a thing we wanted to do
during the election.
- Right, well it was,
we came up with it in 2008
when like Hardball with Chris Matthews
would be on and he'd do a live show
with a live audience in the background
and there'd be picket signs.
- People be holding Obama signs
and McCain signs.
- Right.
- And there'd be people off to the fringe
holding signs that said 9/11 was an inside job.
- So we wanted to stand next to them
with signs that said 9/11 was an inside joke.
And then when Chris Matthews finally went around
asking people what their signs were about,
he'd ask all the people
and then finally get to us and be like,
9/11 was an inside joke.
What is that?
- What does that mean?
- And then we'd be like,
- He had to be there.
- Nipples and lips.
- Nipples and lips is a terrible dog food.
- Yes.
- No hobo, that's a good one.
That's when like you want to borrow money from a friend,
but you don't want him to think you're homeless.
- Right.
Like if I was like,
Joe, can I borrow $5?
- What?
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- So I like that.
- Let's go on the next one.
- Yeah, we don't.
- Circumstance.
- That's gross.
- Circumstance.
- Oh, Lupe Fiasco.
That is not the.
- That's not a rapper.
That's just what happens when you hire too many maids.
- Yeah.
- It isn't, yeah.
- Fanny, Fanny Whoopie is what I like to think
Noah's grandma calls anal sex.
- Yeah.
- Oh, no.
- It probably was.
- It probably was.
I don't know.
- Fanny Whoopie.
- Yeah.
- It's so gross.
- Yes.
- Well, my grandma, she's nasty.
- Oh, God.
- God.
- There's only a hundred more of these.
- Should we, forget about it.
- Yeah.
- That's a fusion restaurant I wanted to open
that's like half Thai, half Italian.
And then New York, New York was my restaurant.
It was a gnocchi themed restaurant
in the New York, New York casino in Las Vegas.
Yes.
So it's just made a lot of gnocchi.
Corn columns.
- They're like corn rows, but they go the other way.
- I think that'll do it.
That's good.
Joe Manning and Noah Garfing on the list of nothing.
Thank you.