Name: Parent Time Warp Monologue November 28, 2013
Uploaded: 2013-11-29T12:37:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Parent Time Warp Monologue November 28, 2013' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Parent Time Warp Monologue November 28, 2013' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-29. Transcript available.

Conan O'Brien is here. He's gonna be here today.
Yeah.
The old...
The old...
Jimmy Bovino.
Be cool, my baby.
It's okay. Do not tell him I did that. He is not here yet.
Do not this up for me.
He gave me the show. He's a hero of mine, obviously,
so please let's all forget that that happened.
So, Happy Thanksgiving. It's Thanksgiving,
which means all the people watching at home,
you're probably watching this surrounded by members of your family.
Yeah. I am so sorry about that.
What I'm saying is there's something special about going back to the house
you grew up in and seeing your parents,
'cause the second I go back, my whole family starts acting
the way we did 15 years ago.
You know what I'm talking about?
It's like, 'cause that's the last time we were all together,
so every time we get back together,
we all just start putting on this play.
Does that make sense? We're all putting on a play?
A play called When Pete Was Seventeen.
Does that resonate? It's all the same lines.
Mom's gonna wake me up too early for no reason,
even though I have an alarm clock that works.
It f***ing works! It f***ing works!
It works, Mom!
And I try, I try to calmly explain that to her like a 34-year-old,
but all that comes out is,
"Mom! Mom, can I hear five more minutes?"
"I'm 34!"
"More me!"
"I have a 401K."
"I can't, I can't be grown at home."
'Cause it's like theater.
It's like weird German experimental theater
where the kids are being played by grown-ass adults,
and it's never addressed.
They're just like,
"I like how all the teens are being played by grown people.
It's very sexual."
I just assume German theater's very sexual,
and they're like,
"Mm, I am aroused!"
Was that offensive to the Germans?
Everyone has the same concerns when I go home, too.
My dad is always like,
"Hey, drive safe on the freeway."
And I wanna be like,
"You drive safe on the freeway!"
"You're old!"
"I don't have to wear special driving glasses,
and I know how to operate the blinker!"
But all I say is,
"Thanks, Dad!"
And he slips me 20 bucks,
which I take.
I take the 20.
Why?
I'm grown!
I have cash!
I should give him 20.
He still has dial-up internet.
But it's a play, it's a play, it's a play.
And everybody knows their part.
That's why it's always so awkward
to bring a girlfriend home.
Anytime I've brought a girlfriend home for Thanksgiving,
it's weird to everyone.
Suddenly there's just this new girl
that's just improvising lines.
The play's been the same for 34 seasons,
and it's like,
"This is Tiff!
Hey, y'all!
Shut up!
Shut up!
Stop it!
Those aren't the lines!"
That's everybody...
And it's extra confusing to her,
because I'm playing both the role of a 17-year-old me
and her 34-year-old boyfriend.
That's confusing.
I'm like, "Mom, I don't want fish!
I don't want fish!
'Cause it tastes fishy!
I've told you!
I've told you!
I've told you!
I've told you!
It smells bad!
Tastes like it smells!"
Then I turn to my girlfriend like,
"You want to f*** in my race car bed, babe?"
Vroom, vroom, vroom, bed!
That's a confusing day.
And your parents treat you like a teenager, I think,
because that's the last time they really knew you
on a day-to-day basis.
You know what I mean?
They know you have this big adult life,
but they weren't there for any of that.
You just went off when you were 18,
like Bilbo Baggins.
And you come home,
and they don't know you've been out killing dragons.
And they're just trying to relate.
Your mom's like,
"You still friends with Geelum?"
"It's Gollum, Mom!
And we weren't really friends!
You never listen!"
"I wish I had my ring so I could disappear."
Me too, Bilbo.