Name: Heaven: Bribe
Uploaded: 2013-12-03T01:34:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Heaven: Bribe' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-12-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Heaven: Bribe' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-12-03. Transcript available.

What?! I'm dead?!
Ring-a-ding-ding. You got it, Barco.
St. Peter.
It's my name. And a title.
Don't wear either out.
Oh, wow. I can't believe I'm in heaven.
I'm gonna see Nana again and Drew and Bailey.
Take it easy. Guy with a surprising amount of dead friends.
You're not in yet.
These are the outskirts of heaven.
You still have to be let in the gates.
So.
What are you doing?
Never been to like a fancy restaurant where the maitre d' is like,
"We are all booked."
And then he's like, "In less..."
You want a bribe?
I did not say that.
I did not say that.
For all intents and purposes, I just have a cough.
You can get sick in heaven.
No!
No, you can't.
I died in my sleep, so I don't really have any money.
Okay.
Well, let's figure this out. Let's talk it out.
What else could you do?
Something you could do even if you don't have anything on you.
Maybe to something I have on me.
Talking about a robe boner.
I'm not gay.
I'm not gay.
Oh, don't worry.
That's an earth thing.
Up here, there's no such thing as gay or straight or...
brides.
I don't really know what to say.
You don't really have to say anything.
This is more of a do situation.
But I don't think God would want me to.
It's not about what you should or shouldn't do up here.
That's earth thinking.
This is an eternal landscape where all consciousness has come to merge into one
eternal conscious.
So there's no right or wrong or light or dark.
It's all happening.
Everything is everything.
And it's occurring at the same time.
So lose the shirt.
You want to meet John Lennon, right?
He plays a concert every night.
Mostly new stuff.
Then he plays Imagine.
It gets real awkward when he gets to the Imagine There's No Heaven part.
It's a big laugh.
All right.
Now let's get this St. Peter past your pearly gates.
No.
God, no.
It was a test.
It was a test.
It was to see if you get in.
And you do.
You get in.
You passed.
So the test to get into heaven is to see if I'll blow you.
It's a parable.
Yeah.
You have to look past the story to see the true meaning of Christmas.
I'm kidding.
I was with you this whole time.
Don't look so mad.
Normally I let the guy blow me first.
Keep that shirt off, beautiful.
Let God enjoy what he made.