Name: Iliza Shlesinger Used To Wear An Eye Patch
Uploaded: 2013-12-05T14:50:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Iliza Shlesinger Used To Wear An Eye Patch' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-12-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Iliza Shlesinger Used To Wear An Eye Patch' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-12-05. Transcript available.

you're very lovely you look gorgeous thank you you did wear an eye patch as a
child I know that about you I wore an eye patch on both eyes no I just to be
safe it was uh oh my god I had something called amblyopia which affects a lot
of
people really I've heard would you like to take a moment to educate people
about
amblyopa sounds like a polka song oh I thought we're gonna do like a PSA I'm
so I was like all geared up to do my Alyssa Milano these two quarters but it's
it's what is that a PSA holds them and she's like these two quarters will feed
every it's horse horse flap um but horse flap I don't I don't want to say horse
crap so I said horse flap it doesn't have to be trending it was just for me I
understand yeah hashtag horse flap thank you for that this looks like a PSA for
third base what is what constitutes third base
this is Italian third base
oh
it's a spicy base not doing this shit on Fallon oh no um okay then it expands
oh that you're
oh that you're not okay with yeah uh yes I wore an eye patch because amblyopias
where one eye is
stronger than the other so you have to patch the strong eye and make it pay for
the sins of the
week uh it's like it's like uh and then you put over the over the good one and
the bad one gets
worked out you have to do it for four hours a day and so I had an eye patch and
then I had a special
one that went over my glasses I went to private school in private school like
no one makes fun of
anyone because it's because public school it's like yeah you think fast nerd
and private school it's
like we don't know how rich your parents are so let's err on the side of
caution
you had glad what was one kid wearing like an old-timey diving helmet my father
owns exxon and now I can't cross my eyes like I'm incapable of doing it what do
you mean so like can you cross your eyes like what like this oh you can't
either so maybe you did not
was one kid wearing, like, an old-timey diving helmet.
My father owns Exxon!
And now, I can't cross my eyes.
Like, I'm incapable of doing it.
What do you mean?
So, like, can you cross your eyes?
What? Like this?
Oh, you can't either, so maybe you did not...
That's what mine does, one of the eyes.
Like, it's supposed to be both...
What do I look at?
I think, like that, this is what you're supposed to do.
This is where my nose is, you know, transparent,
and it freaks me out.
Right.
Ghost nose!
Sorry, teach me, teach me.
Ghost nose.
Teach me, ghost nose!
That could be a reality show, like,
did you see it? Did you hear it?
No one saw the ghost nose, but we heard it.
Ghost nose.
Ghost nose!
So, you're supposed to do this.
Who killed my nose, and why is he back?
What vendetta could a nose have?
I'm still doing new material science.
As a Jew, I can tell you, our noses can have vendettas.
Mine did.
Okay, so, it goes like this,
and you're supposed to go like that.
Oh.
But see, isn't that one, like, doing something weird?
You have no, uh...
I don't know what you're laughing at!
Ghost nose.
On the plus side,
you have a fail-safe way to end a date.
Thanks for going out with me!
He drags his hook,
I take my weird eye.
My children.
Is it?
I don't know.
I don't know what it does.
Just thanks for Sizzler Buffet.
I'm so glad you had a Groupon.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know what it is.