Name: I Love Love Monologue
Uploaded: 2013-12-06T17:07:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'I Love Love Monologue' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-12-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'I Love Love Monologue' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-12-06. Transcript available.

I was driving here this kind of put me in a strange mood I'm not currently in a
relationship but sometimes I see people I see him sometimes I've observed these
people in relationships this is what happened this morning I pulled up next
to another car and their windows were down and I caught just a little snippet
you ever catch a snippet of a relationship and you're like I've seen
all I need to see you can totally make a judgment on this is what I saw the
girl is just kind of kind of going off and the guy was kind of zoning out and
she's like I just think rainbow sprinkles it's implied and then she's just
going
on and on and he's just like I just say it's a different kind of taste like a
plasticky kind of crunch taste and then the guy it was he could tell just by
her
cadence slowing down that it was his time to talk and he just went well that's
crazy that is the death rattle of any any relationship because you don't mean
that's crazy what you mean is I want to heave you into an active volcano just
end
it you're throwing out a wow that's crazy what you really mean is we need to
talk
this is over sprinkles but I love love let's talk about love I love love real
love real love not
bullshit yes you can clap for love the love that makes you completely unrelatable
to the rest of
your friends you know what I'm talking about like if you want to know if a
movie was good you can't
ask your couple friends that are in love you know what I mean you'll never get
an honest answer you're
like oh what was gravity about oh gravity was great it was great it was about
darkness and snuggling it
was about snuggling there was a real subplot of snuggling closeness and sneaky
kisses
you know George Clooney was there and we were in space but it was mostly about
sneaky kisses
just just well-timed sneaky kisses if you want to know how a movie really was
you got to ask your
single angry friend you know what I mean that was gravity like that was all
right it was fine it's
about a lady hurling alone through space very relatable as he's heating up
tonight's soup
but that's what I want I want crazy love the real stuff the Romeo and Juliet
the Bonnie and Clyde
Sid and Nancy usually doesn't end well all of those examples are tragedies but
the problem is is like
most people aren't like oh what light and yonder window breaks tis the East and
Juliet is the Sun
that's not most people most people are like Claire's pretty cool I don't want
that I don't want Claire's
pretty cool I want that crazy stuff I'm divorced but I still believe I don't
want to be that bitter
guy alone at a wedding six open bar whiskies in rented cummerbund open to let
out that stomach that chose
both the chicken and the fish just like calling it from the back I give it two
years that piece of
shit it's gonna fail and where's that mother of the bride she's got a great tush
that guy calling tushes don't get me wrong it's a great tush it's a great tush
I would tear up that tush nobody wants to see this face say I would tear up
that tush but that just happened I just would really punish the tush is that
better
that's the right that's the right response just a quiet moment in the audience
and someone goes oh my god that's what I'm going on but back back to true love
let's let's stay on course so I just keep looking I'm gonna keep looking until
I find it I want to find the Bonnie to my Clyde the Nancy to my Sid
and you know when I find my sweet Juliet I'm going to say it again I'm going to
straight up punish that tush
I'm going to it's a great tush
it's a great tush
I'm going to it's a great tush