Name: James Bond Needs a Condom
Uploaded: 2013-12-12T20:51:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'James Bond Needs a Condom' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-12-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'James Bond Needs a Condom' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-12-12. Transcript available.

I like it better without the Beretta.
I feel naked without it.
Do you have a condom?
What?
Do you have a condom?
Why?
Why?
What?
Because we're about to have sex.
Totally.
It's just not something I normally worry about.
So you were just going to slide in here and we were going to have sex without
protection?
No.
Yes.
I just, you know, I'm bummed.
James, it's not as good when we do it together.
Look, I know who you are and I know your reputation.
As a sleek spy who always gets his man and his woman?
Yeah, no, that's the thing.
You've slept with every woman you've come in contact with.
No.
Yeah.
Okay, look, so unless your silly gadget watch can suddenly make a condom appear,
no sex.
No problem.
Cue.
It's Bond.
I need assistance.
It's an emergency.
Yes, 007.
Have you completed the mission?
Right.
Yes, the mission.
It's going fantastic.
Listen, I need something.
There are guard dogs everywhere.
Now, as is my training, I can drug dogs with a condom.
So I need a male sex condom sent to me, not for sex, but to drug dogs.
Is there a girl there who's making you wear a condom but you don't have one?
Yeah, there's a girl here.
There's a girl here!
There's a girl here!
There's a dog!
There's a girl!
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
Yeah!
Where's that condom?
I need it to drug these...
I'm hanging up now.
Cheers.
Good job.
Thanks.
Oh, you know what?
I realize there is a condom behind the face of my watch, so I do have one.
Oh, really?
Yes.
Watch.
Condom.
See that?
Look, it's so thin you can't see it.
Wow.
It's secret government thin.
For her pleasure.
Thank you.
Appreciate that.
Let me just...
Having trouble putting on your invisible condom?
It's a long journey from tip to base.
Oh.
Maybe we should set up camp halfway.
Build a fire.
I have goya beans!
Good Devin!
My god!
I'm not buying any of this!
Uh...
Uh...
Uh...
What about...
Watch.
Scan me for STDs.
Hmm...
Scanning.
Penis.
Large.
Impressive.
Scanning for STDs.
Negative.
Except for HPV.
Which everyone has.
No biggie!
So, even in this fake reality that you're creating, you still have HPV?
I wanted it to be believable.
Oh, god.
Listen to me.
No condom.
No sex.
Actually, you know what?
I changed my mind.
No sex.
Wait.
I just really want to do this move where I shake it but I don't stir it.
Ew.
Sorry.
It's not happening.
It's just condoms.
They...
They be sweetest plum.
They ruin the romance.
Oh, was it romance that I felt when you snuck in here like a British ninja and
mashed your
junk up against my butt?
The butt!
Perfect.
I'll do you in the butt.
No!
Tits.
What?
I'll do the tits.
You mash them and there's a canal.
I'm aware of the technique.
Yeah.
Not gonna happen.
I'm done showering.
What about a dry hump but we're naked so it's like a moist hump?
Because you're on me and I get the porch all sloppy but I don't go in the house.
What are we, 16?
Oh, you want me to role play?
I'm just a boy and I have a retainer that I'll take out before I go downtown.
Stop.
We're done.
You can see yourself out.
You know what?
I will see myself out.
No use wasting this masterpiece.
Watch.
Dispense lubrication.
Oh, f**k this watch.