Name: In The Ring With Ronda Rousey
Uploaded: 2014-02-26T08:42:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'In The Ring With Ronda Rousey' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-02-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'In The Ring With Ronda Rousey' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-02-26. Transcript available.

Hey, I'm Pete Holmes, we're at the Glendale Fighting Club.
I'm here with Rhonda Rousey.
Yes, you are.
Rowdy Rhonda Rousey.
She is, I'm gonna get this right
'cause I don't want you to hurt me,
the mixed martial arts undefeated queen
and the undisputed UFC's women's bantamweight champion.
Holy cow, you're so lovely.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
The title doesn't really seem to portray that,
but thank you.
Yeah, that's why I wanna get it out there.
You're beautiful, but I know you could hurt me
like a butterfly with a switchblade.
You're confusing.
What does it feel like to break an arm?
Do you feel bad?
'Cause if I broke an arm, I'd be like,
yeah, I won, but also like, sorry.
No.
No?
No, the person I'm fighting is trying to take away
everything that I've worked so hard my entire life for.
Why would I feel bad for them?
You're terrifying.
Does it bother you when people fixate on your looks?
No, I'm an entertainer now.
It's not like the Olympics when--
Full pack.
Yeah, the Olympics, it's not about looks.
But, you know, I--
Tell me about it.
Yeesh.
I can't decide what intimidates me more about you,
your good looks, or the fact that I know you could pull off my balls
like a paper cup dispenser.
Well, don't worry.
I don't fight unless I get paid these days, so.
I know, right?
I wouldn't beat you up for fun.
You should see me off the show or off stage.
I'm like, not funny at all.
I'm just like, ugh.
That's why you didn't talk to me at all before the cameras went on?
Because you're like, I'm so brilliant, but I only have so much,
and I don't want to waste any of it while I'm not being recorded.
So don't talk to me.
I just got served.
Isn't there an advantage to being a lady fighter?
Because you don't have, like, a huge, for me, weak spot, for me?
Um, you've obviously never been punched in the titty.
How come you can't have a, like, low blow?
Yeah.
Mid-blow.
I'd rather not have to think about it.
I throw body shots all the time, and I would hate to have to be, you know,
careful of the boob zone.
Do you ever just-
I know how this feels, bitch.
Like, she's like, like, Mortal Kombat wavering, and you're like-
If it made that sound effect, I probably would do it a lot more often.
If you find the right girl, it will.
So let's share some tough things we've both done in our lives.
You can go first.
Um, I beat up a bunch of guys in a movie theater once.
Holy shit.
What's your tough thing?
I like to make my own shampoo.
What about sex before a fight?
Because I've heard the boxers don't do that because they lose their life energy.
Are you just trying to get me to say this?
Because I think you know my answer already.
You like having sex before a match?
That's a guess.
I didn't know.
Well, it's actually a proven medical fact that-
testosterone is raised in women after they have sex.
So you do have sex before your fight?
I mean, I'm not gonna go walk around the hotel with my shirt off and try and
find somebody.
That's too bad.
I know.
Killing time.
Able-bodied, able-bodied, able-bodied semen.
It's nice to know that you're not in the band.
No, low demand.
Available.
You could text me a question mark and I'd be there.
Real fast.
I thought it would be fun to get in the ring and you could show me some moves.
I'm pretty athletic.
What kind of moves?
I heard something crack.
I did too.
Okay.
I'm not athletic.
As you can see, I was sweating just from the interview.
Sometimes I get...
There are two.
Don't hit me in my boobs.
Don't grab it.
I can see you looking at me like the Terminator robot.
And you know all these things to do.
Like thinking about something like that.
Oh, God.
Okay, you're gonna throw me.
Yeah.
Real...
One arm around the waist.
Yeah.
One arm around the waist.
One arm around the waist.
Yeah.
One arm around the waist.
See, we're getting cozy right now.
That's so bad, right?
I'm getting what now?
Yeah, we're getting cozy.
I know how to swing.
So then I have to turn around.
I have to make sure my feet are right between your feet and then I get hip to
hip here.
I have to make sure my hips lower than yours.
Oh, God in heaven.
Okay, let's do it for real now.
Okay, let's do it for real now.
Okay, let's go.
Okay, let's do it for real now.
I feel bad.
You see that?
That's what real men do.
Can you do that?
I got wide hips for a dude.
Show me how to throw you.
Why don't you stand up and look to your left.
What?
Stand up.
Stand up.
Stand up.
Not fall down on your knees on the ground.
Up.
Yeah.
The opposite of condescending.
Stand up and look up.
I am so sorry.
What's your signature move?
It's arm bar.
Arm bar.
In judo, it's called a jujikatame.
Ju...
Uh-huh.
So then I still have holding arms.
Uh-huh.
My legs go over.
Yep.
I sit.
You forgot to talk about your calf in my face.
Most people probably don't complain about the calf to the face.
But it was more painful than I thought it would be.
I'm more going to be bummed that you got all your makeup off on my Lululemon
pants.
I'm not wearing makeup.
I'm a dude.
I won't break it off.
Don't worry.
I'm just going to show you.
I need it for scooping ice cream.
Hug.
You lean back, right?
Uh-huh.
See how you feel it already?
I do.
It feels...
No.
Yes.
How'd you learn this?
My mom taught it to me.
Your mom?
My mom taught me songs in Lithuanian.
That's awesome.
Yeah.
That wasn't part of my education.
Oh my God.
Shit's real.
This is my signature move.
Thank you so much, Rhonda.
I really forgot some basic knowledge today and will never be the same.