Name: Wash My Damn Towels #3
Uploaded: 2014-02-28T12:04:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Wash My Damn Towels #3' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-02-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Wash My Damn Towels #3' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-02-28. Transcript available.

So a lot of you may know this. I'm actually a stand-up as well as hosting the
show, which means I tour around the country, which means I stay in more than my
fair share of hotels. I don't know if you guys have stayed in a hotel recently,
but they have this new sign in the bathroom now that says, we care about the
environment. A towel on the floor means, please replace. A towel on the rack
means, I'll use it again. Please be green, reuse your towel.
I don't know about you, but whenever I see this, I feel like they're trying to
get away with something. Like, it doesn't feel quite straightforward. Like,
they're not being straight with me. I have a sassy reaction every time in my
brain. I see the sign, I go, excuse me? This is a loan in my hotel. Like, oh,
hell no!
You equip each room with a fully functional, power-guzzling refrigerator that I
can't even use because it's jammed with tiny booze bottles and $12 candy bars,
and you want me to be green?
Here's a cool idea. Wash my damn towels!
And what's this?
And what's this? The hotel business center? Terrific! A room where the lights
are always on, and there's a dozen computers running 24-7, so a businessman can
casually look at porn, and a housewife from Rhode Island can accidentally print
out 45 copies of her flight itinerary?
Hey! Why don't you get down to business and wash my damn towels?
That's not over.
And it's not just hotels. I find "wash my damn towels" to be the best, most
empowering phrase for pretty much anything.
Whenever you're tired of getting shit from something, wash my damn towels. It's
always there for you.
Like, "Hey, Internet videos!"
Oh, we're going there.
You're gonna make me watch a 30-second commercial just to see a 15-second clip
of a cat sneezing,
even when I know the cat isn't seeing a scent of that ad revenue?
How about this?
Cut the commercial, throw up a print ad I'll ignore, pay the damn cat,
and let my damn house!
You're welcome.
You're welcome.
You're welcome.
You're welcome.
They'll-they'll come back. They're not-they're not just watching. That is
terrifying.
If I came home and flipped on the lights and Nate was in my house...
No, no more.
Uh, "Hey, Gandalf!"
Yeah.
"Hey, Gandalf!"
"That's right, Gaaandalf!"
You're gonna tell Frodo to not use the Ring of Sauron because it's evil,
but then you're gonna send him on a journey and put him in a bunch of
situations
where he absolutely needs to use that ring?
I got an unexpected journey for ya.
Take your wrinkly old ass down to the laundromat
and wash my damn towns!
It's the wash my damn town boys and Gandalf!