Name: Talkin' Like Talls With Dikembe Mutombo
Uploaded: 2014-04-09T09:49:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Talkin' Like Talls With Dikembe Mutombo' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-04-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Talkin' Like Talls With Dikembe Mutombo' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-04-09. Transcript available.

I am so thrilled to be sitting here with basketball legend Dikembe Mutombo.
Thank you so much, Dikem.
Thanks for having me here.
I appreciate it.
Yeah.
What's your foundation?
Dikembe Mutombo Foundation.
What does the foundation do?
I built a $40 million hospital with my own money.
No way.
In the Congo, where I came from, there's a tree on the bed.
Could you fit in any of those beds?
Do you have a Dikembe ward?
Finally, how far do you think you could heave me?
That is crazy, man.
I bet you could give me a good heave.
I'm wondering about your shower because the goal of my life,
I'd like this show to be a success so I could get a shower where the head is
above me.
Everything is built for Mutombo.
Everything is built for Mutombo.
That is awesome.
Forgive me if you get this a lot.
I would love to hear your full name because it's not just Dikembe Mutombo.
I want to put a beat to that.
Do it again.
Is there anything more satisfying than making Dikembe Mutombo laugh?
I haven't decreed that.
You got a great voice.
I'm blown away by your voice.
It's very deep and some people compare me to the cookie master.
I bet you could do a good Louis Armstrong too.
You ever get that?
Every day?
Are you going to punch me?
Come on.
Louis was a good singer.
He was?
Yes.
People did admire his voice.
Say, I think to myself, what a wonderful world.
That's incredible.
Would you say C is for cookie?
C for cookie.
And a couple quarters.
Don't take my quarters away.
So why basketball?
Do you know what?
I really didn't like basketball until I was a sophomore in college.
Is that when they came in your room with a briefcase full of cash?
I hope you can go and tell that to coach John Thompson, he will kill you.
Scandal.
Do you remember the look on your college coach's face when he saw you?
He was smiling.
Most kids of a certain age want to be in the NBA.
What would you tell these kids?
3,000 young men finish college every year.
Only like 40 some to 60 make to the NBA every year.
Even though you make to the NBA, the ball will stop bouncing.
You still always have to have something to move on in your life.
Because the average career in the NBA right now is like three and a half years.
What you do after four years, you still have about 60 more years to live in
your life.
Yeah.
If you have a good education, a nice diploma, there's always things you can
move on in your life.
So which is worse on the court?
Getting crossed on, getting dunked on, or getting your shot blocked?
I think you're dunked on.
Getting dunked on?
Yeah, that's humane.
I got dunked on.
Well, you fall back on your butt and then everybody knows-
No, you don't fall.
It's like you jump, you think you got it, and the guy was going to stop.
Next time you know, boom!
Then you see all your teammates are like-
They just walk away from you.
They don't even ask you what happened.
They just walk away.
It's good to be a good defender, but when you get dunked, you know your
teammates gonna kill you.
Yeah, of course.
Your voice sounds like you froze Han Solo in carbonite.
You know what?
It's good to be compared to so many people in their life, man.
Yeah, Kim, you did this.
The finger wag.
You don't move your hands.
Only the fingers.
Just the finger.
It's kind of like you just got out of the shower and you just-
Just kind of shake your hips and just-
What's your big extravagance?
You got something crazy in your house?
Got a heated toilet seat?
Mink-
I think-
Mink bathroom?
I think-
I think you have the elevator in the house.
Elevator in the house?
That go from the basement all the way to the roof of the house.
That's cool.
I just want to say thank you so much not for saying something cheesy like my
children or something.
The elevator.
I have two elevators.
Do you need a-
One in the guest house.
One in my house.
You have a guest house?
Yes.
I will see you for Thanksgiving.
Just make sure you call first.
Otherwise I will not open the gate.
I'll be like, who?
And that's our time with Dikembe Mutombo, man.
You are incredibly cool.
Thank you so much for taking the time.
No.
No.
No, no, no.
The finger gotta go left and right.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.