Name: Pete Inexplicably Talks To The US Secretary of Education
Uploaded: 2014-05-01T10:12:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pete Inexplicably Talks To The US Secretary of Education' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pete Inexplicably Talks To The US Secretary of Education' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-01. Transcript available.

I'm so excited to be standing here with Arnie Duncan, the U.S. Secretary of
Education.
Great to see you. Thanks for the opportunity.
What? Why are you talking to us?
I'm honored. I'm honored.
No, this is a waste of your time. Don't do important things.
You played basketball in Australia too, right?
I did. I got cut. Wasn't good enough to play here.
And they sent me to the other side of the world and had an amazing time.
Played there for four years.
You played in Australia for four years?
I did.
And then they sent you to?
And I stopped playing. I came back here and got a real job. Went to work.
So your fallback plan was the U.S. Secretary of Education?
Far from it. No, my passions have always been education and basketball.
Those are the only two jobs I've ever had. So it's been an amazing, amazing run.
You're like a class act. I feel like we'd enjoy a classy steak dinner together.
Are you married?
Happened to be married. Married my wife who's from Australia.
She's from Australia?
Dragged her back here.
Trish?
Sarah?
Karen.
Can you make a basketball analogy about what the U.S. public school system
needs?
Well, we've made some real progress. Our graduation rates are the highest it's
ever been.
Slam dunk?
Not a slam dunk, but a long way to go. So we're a work in progress, but aiming
the right way.
We're trying to win. We're trying to win here.
We're at least shooting on the right hoop.
We're shooting the right hoop, and we want to keep making baskets.
We're not dunking in the wrong hoop.
No, thank goodness.
That would be bad.
That would be very bad.
Do you control school lunches?
I don't, and we're working on lunches. We got some work to do there.
Right?
My friend Tom Bilsack at the Department of Ag works on school lunches.
Tom Bilsack?
Yes.
Does he have any funny nicknames?
I'm not sure. You can give one.
Bilsack?
Do you have any nicknames?
I don't.
I don't.
Arnie Duncan?
I'll take slam dunking.
Slam?
What is your deal, man?
You're the coolest guy I've talked to, and I've been talking to NBA players all
day.
Those are some good guys out here.
What's your karaoke song?
I have no singing skills whatsoever.
None.
That's the best kind of karaoke person.
None.
We're going to get you drunk tonight.
We're going to sing some Journey.
Silence is golden, baby.
No way!
We've got to teach kids.
Bring art back to the school.
Start with you.
But if I lead it, I'll kill art.
I've got to stay out of the way.
President Obama is your boss.
He is my boss.
Could you beat him at one-on-one?
I plead the fifth.
That's a yes.
Do you hang out with Obama?
We do.
What's he smell like?
Something good, right?
No idea.
He's a heck of a teammate.
I'm not saying like he has a strong odor like he walks into a Yankee Candle,
but I'm
just like he's probably got a musk, something pleasant.
I've got a few broken noses.
My sense of smell is not very strong.
You are a smooth, smooth man.
I just got a broken nose, that's all.
You got out of that like a champ.
Now, did you know Conan?
You went to Harvard at the same time as Conan.
I didn't know him, but we're almost exactly the same age.
Is that right?
Yeah, yeah.
So I followed his career.
He's obviously done fantastic.
I'm a big fan.
I'm a big fan too.
He's my boss.
I could definitely beat him at one-on-one.
No doubt.
No doubt.
And Obama.
Two-on-one.
I'll take them both down.
Take the first one.
I don't know about the second.
Me and Obama against you two.
We'll try that one out.
I don't know.
No doubt.
No doubt.
I'll take them both down.
No doubt.
I'll take them both down.
I'll take them both down.
I'll take them both down.
I'll take them both down.
I'll take them both down.
I'll take them both down.
I'll take them both down.
No doubt.
I'll take them both down.
Don't change.
It's like I'm signing your yearbook.
Don't change.