Name: Phases of Friendship Monologue May 6, 2014
Uploaded: 2014-05-07T19:35:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Phases of Friendship Monologue May 6, 2014' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Phases of Friendship Monologue May 6, 2014' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-07. Transcript available.

Welcome, everybody, uh, to The Pete Home Show.
My name's Pete. Friendly guy.
Everybody relax. Friendly guy.
Wouldn't it be disappointing if I weren't a friendly guy?
If this all... if that... all just an act?
The second I walk offstage, I'm just like, "I said ice tea!"
But no, I'm a friendly guy. I love making friends, too.
And some friends you're friends with immediately.
Immediate friends. I love that. A fast friend.
But the truth is, real friends, deep friendships,
that happens slow.
Even if you hit it off with somebody right away,
your first hangout, you love them right away,
if they immediately start referring to you as a bestie...
Just all the... is that all the red flags?
Is that all of... I believe that's all of the red flags.
I mean, this is true. There was a guy I hung out twice.
I hung out with him two times, and at the end of the night,
he said to me, "You're my real family, Pete."
Yeah. Me and the brood of mannequins you eat dinner with every night.
You sociopath.
For a friendship to be a real friendship, it needs to grow.
It needs to go through several phases. I figured them out.
First is the initial encounter phase.
This is where you're just getting to know somebody.
Your first meetings, your first kind of judging each other,
book-by-its-cover stuff. That's fine.
You're just kind of like, "Yeah, the vibe.
I like the vibe. I like his vibe. I like this guy."
Honest, kind eyes. He's got a Galifianakis beard.
His T-shirt has an owl on it. I like that.
Seems like a good time.
Andy just ordered a martini at 10 a.m. I mean...
I can't see us not having a great time.
Boom. That's what I'm looking for.
Apparently, I'm just looking for a homeless guy with an owl T-shirt.
And aren't we all?
And then there's a couple of hangouts later.
There's the sharing common interest phase.
This is where you get to comb each other to see what you like, if they like it.
It's the same thing, anything that overlaps.
Going through their CD collection, like,
"Oh, my God. I also have two copies of Jagged Little Pill."
Just in case, right?
Also, you're the only other guy I know that buys CDs.
Are you homeless?
That makes you comfortable with each other. That helps out.
And that helps bring you to the next phase, which is, one of my favorite,
the shit-talking phase.
Does anything bond two people faster than talking shit?
That's real friendship right now. That's the glue for friendship.
But you can't, with a new friend, you can't come right out, run out of the gate,
all fists and elbows, just like your second hang.
You know who's a dildo? You can't.
Brian. Brian's a giant dildo.
That's too risky. That might scare off your new friend.
So you gotta drop a couple subtle hints, you know what I mean?
A little invitation to shit-talk.
Just like, "Hey, uh, you noticed that I Brian..."
I don't know. He got kind of weird when we brought up the whole secret Santa
thing.
And it feels great when he's just like, "Yeah, because Brian's a dildo."
He is! He is!
The phase is complete.
Your friendship is cemented in the mutual understanding that Brian is indeed a
giant dildo.
And now you're close. And that brings you to the soul-bearing phase.
Sharing a couple scotches in the kitchen. Opening up. Just like, "Ah! Ah!"
Sometimes I just feel like the last piece of bread in the bag, you know?
That piece nobody wants, 'cause I'm all crisp, baby!
And that's an opportunity. How's the friend gonna react?
Is he just gonna hear you and be like, "Yeah, what can you do?"
Or is he gonna hear you and be like, "Man, we're all bread just waiting to be
toasted?"
Even though that doesn't make any sense, at least you're like,
"That's comforting!"
Now you know they're there for you. They will help you out.
You can call them at any time, just like, "Ah, Holmes! I ate a live crab!"
I'll be right over!
Now comes the final phase. My favorite phase. The ball-busting phase.
This is the true test of friendship. We've loved, we've shared, the sailing's
been smooth.
So now it's time to rock the yacht a little bit with a few insults.
You'll be like, "Hey, Roses, nice jeans.
I didn't know they made Levi's in a wash called horrendous."
But he's a real friend. He doesn't even care.
Or, Flynn. She's just like, "Yeah, big words from a guy with Gary Busey teeth."
Real friends! Now we're cooking with gas, baby. That's a friendship.
Nothing worse than a guy that can't take a joke. That's a deal breaker.
If he comes back like, "Excuse me? What?"
These jeans, Peter, are not effing horrendous.
They're classic cut, blue wash, timeless denim, ageless look.
that guy.
That guy can't be the best man at my wedding.
That's the kind of guy that'll get up there and give a sincere toast.
Ugh. Just like, "You both inspire me. Julie, you look radiant."
Stuff it! Shut it! Real friends break balls.
I want the guy that's gonna roast me right after my vows.
Come out and be like, "None of us knew how this limp dick got Julie.
But he did it. Raise a glass to limp dick.
Something's got to raise tonight."