Name: Decorating Monologue May 7, 2014
Uploaded: 2014-05-08T14:20:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Decorating Monologue May 7, 2014' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Decorating Monologue May 7, 2014' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-08. Transcript available.

so i went to a friend's house for the first time and we had a good time we had
a good time together
in his house for the first time plus one of my favorite things is i love seeing
how people
decorate their homes you know what i mean that first time over there get a
little glimpse into
their personalities what they're into like oh is that a beatles poster ooh you
like the beatles
but my buddy didn't have any cool stuff he didn't have like a framed photo of
him in egypt using
perspective to make it look like he's picking the sphinx's nose am i getting it
my right or your
right i want to pick the god cats boogers yeah nothing like that his walls were
covered in boring
plain mass-produced crap art like a watercolor of a lighthouse really you're 28.
what is this the holiday inn is that piece of crap bolted to the wall you unoriginal
bastard
i'm not making this up he even had a monet in his bathroom
not a real monet nobody's at an auction like four million so nice i'ma hang
this where i poo
but he had a print of a monet you know like you see in every doctor's waiting
room ever it'd be fun to go
back in time and explain that to the real monet just like you know in the
future when people see this
with the dots and the bridge and the doo-doo-doo they're not going to think
about transcendence
or elegant beauty they're thinking gee i hope it's not crabs that's your legacy
but here's the thing what you hang on your walls is an opportunity to show
people who you are so have
some fun with it do it do it do it right put some stuff up there expose
yourself
that did not come out right i know it i'm not rephrasing it expose yourself
full frontal creativity get it out there
it doesn't have to be fancy like in my apartment over the couch i got a big
print of ryan gosling
thank you so much and it's not like a sexy gosling it's not like an eight foot
by six foot
painting of him shirtless with his thumb in the belt loop just like
only a jc penny it's not it's not like that it's not like that not that i
wouldn't be completely
into that the princes of daddy goss i call him daddy goss in a scene from the
movie drive just right
over the couch so when people come over i go you want to sit under the gosling
you get more yeses
than nos and you could hate you could be like pete come on you're a 35 year old
man what is this a
college girl's dorm room yeah a college girl who majored in kick-ass wall
decorations
with a minor in information technology you know to fall back on this is what i'm
saying don't just
put crap you bought in the basement of ikea on your walls like thousands of
other people get creative
go to a thrift store and buy 25 old-timey photographs from the 1950s for two
bucks boom
instant conversation piece right on your fridge just like look these eight-year-olds
are smoking
different time the 50s it doesn't have to be fancy or expensive go on etsy all
the local
artists sell stuff on etsy log on make some artists day just at home like hey
right
how good does that feel to check your sales and be like i know it i told you
someone would buy my sculpture of a potato smoking a cigarette jim i told you
and you get a fun smoking
potato or just make it yourself anybody can be an artist if you play around you
like walnuts
just another late night monologue asking the questions on america's mind you
like walnuts sure
everybody likes walnuts if you like walnuts glue a bunch of
glue a bunch of walnut shells to the wall like a thousand of them now you got a
walnut wall
and you're helping boost the profits of a struggling walnut industry
just like you know thanks to that holmes monologue walnut sales are through the
roof
suck it chestnuts dial up chestnuts i want them to hear me say suck it
sometimes when we uh say something positive about a product sometimes people
will send us
that thing to the writers so now we're gonna get like a burlap sack
just stuffed with walnuts just like
thank you and i know some of you are out there thinking pink what's the big
deal i love going to
bed bath and beyond or as i call it the triple b i buy one of those multi-fonted
affirmation squares
to hang in my living room boom simple looks good and i get a daily reminder to
shoot for the moon
cause even if i miss i'll land amongst the stars
uh screw that first of all the moon is way closer to the earth than any star
not by a little by like light years so the triple b just sold you a folksy
robot painted lie
second the art on your wall should mean something to you to you personally
frame the cocktail napkin
your wife wrote her number on don't just hang up a painting of a fruit bowl do
you like fruit bowls
does anybody actually like fruit bowls no you love the movie the house bunny
so hang that goddamn house bunny poster high and hang it proud to you baby