Name: Someone Loves Your Body Monologue, May 14, 2014
Uploaded: 2014-05-15T13:37:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Someone Loves Your Body Monologue, May 14, 2014' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Someone Loves Your Body Monologue, May 14, 2014' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-15. Transcript available.

Something I really want to tell you, I was having lunch with a friend of mine,
Sarah,
she's a lady. We were the other day out, strip mall Panera, don't worry about
it.
And get this, I asked her if she wanted to split a dessert with me, but listen
to this,
she goes, I can't. I know, this kind of sounds like the first act of a Dannon
yogurt commercial,
but Sarah, Dannon creme brulee has 40% less fat and calories than the leading
competitor.
How's the taste? Divine.
But stay with me. She told me she couldn't get a dessert because she was
feeling fat and quote,
I hate my body right now. That actually happened. Here's what's crazy. That's
the correct response.
Good empathy. You're not a sociopath.
Here's what's crazy. My friend Sarah has got a great body. She's what I call a
thicker milkshake.
I love a thicker milkshake. That's just more milkshake.
More ice cream. That's a good thing. I just wish you would be happy with that.
Don't get me wrong. I know it's not that easy. There are parts of my body that
I wish were different.
I mean, for a man, I have some pretty wide, child-bearing hips.
That's the part that woke everybody up.
Yeah!
In a lot of photographs, I get what I call boob shadow.
And there are so many moles on my back, it looks like the night sky.
But I've known hundreds, well, two or three women
that thought that was terrific.
And they let me know.
And that appreciation helped me see myself as the matronly, starry-backed giant
that I am.
And that's my point. Whatever your body type is, I promise you, someone is into
it just exactly how you are.
Whatever you got going on, someone out there wants to get down with it. Isn't
that great news?
And it's true.
Listen to me. If you're at home watching this thinking the ultra-thin model
type is the standard favorite of beauty in this world, do me a favor.
Heave your Vogue subscription into an active volcano and get that shit out of
your brain.
Big, small, thin, tall, it doesn't matter. Someone wants to buy what you're
selling, you just need to find it.
And you can't. This is the internet age. The people who love your body are one
click away. How lucky is that?
Back in, like, medieval times, if you were Julie, the girl with the big butt,
you just had to hope and pray there was one dude in your little village that
loved big butts.
Walking by real slow, and he's like, Hawk, behold, in yon the distance,
a maiden with a rump like a pumpkin.
"I love a good rumpkin."
And even if you had him, yeah, you can clap for rumpkin.
But even if you did find that guy that loved a good rumpkin,
then you had to hope he'd survive the Black Plague, the Crusades,
or that one time the entire village thought he was practicing witchcraft.
Like, no normal man loves rumps that big. He must be in league with the devil.
Why was that Robin Williams?
Nobody loves a rumpkin.
Pumpkin. Jack-a-lantern. Jack-off-lantern.
Okay, that was terrible.
Yes.
But here in 2014, modern-day Julie doesn't have to hope for shit.
Just with one low-angle profile picture, her beautiful big butt got 480
Instagram likes,
and one Facebook poke.
And I don't mean online.
Thank you. Thank you.
I mean, case in point, that's what I like, ladies with curves.
Not only are they sexy, but it's probably an indicator that they like sleeping
in as much as I do.
I can't be dating a girl with a tan and abs, 'cause that's probably an
indicator that she wants to get up at 5:00 a.m. and do lunges.
that.
Whew.
The same goes for me.
I'm soft.
I don't mind.
I am a soft man.
And that's an advertisement to everyone.
I don't want to go to spin class.
Saturdays are for pancakes.
Say it loud.
I'm soft and proud.
I don't care.
And I'm not the only one who feels this way.
If you feel like you're big, go to a museum.
Rubenesque women have been popular...
Is it all of known time?
Pretty sure it's all of known time.
Curvy. Fun.
Lots of ups and downs with the brush.
Swooshes and swirls.
That's a good time to paint.
Here's my point: Love your body.
If you're short, get into it.
Find a guy whose physical ideal is a gal he can put on his shoulders at Bonnaroo.
Before you go back to the hotel for a tall-on-short Bonnaroo.
Lots of guys like short girls.
Just like, "Oh, so sweet, bro. She's tiny.
Last night, she just fell asleep on my arms.
She's breathing up and down like a little baby squirrel."
Short! Own it.
And if you're tall, don't be like, "Oh, I want to be a baby squirrel."
You don't have to be a baby squirrel because, guess what, you're Amazonian.
Just go find a guy that likes that.
Find a partner who sees you and dreams of making an army of long, tall babies.
Who, in the summers, can clean your gutters.
Just, "Wap it up, don't get up, don't get up, don't get up, don't get up."
My tall sisters, I love you and I see you.
And not just because you understand my fear of door jambs and low-hanging
plants.
Tall, short, thick, thin, just own it.
Every girl I've ever met with curly hair wants straight hair.
Every girl with straight hair is always curling it.
How about this, spend the time you would have spent curling or straightening
somebody who likes you the way you are.
All right, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.