Name: Street Fighter Red Tape: Blanka
Uploaded: 2014-05-20T07:44:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Street Fighter Red Tape: Blanka' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Street Fighter Red Tape: Blanka' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-20. Transcript available.

Blanca? Mm-hmm. Just Blanca? Just Blanca. I guess I'll leave the last name Blanca.
A little Blanca
humor. So Blanca, the good news is I did, with some doing, get you approved to
fight in the
22nd Street Fighter Tournament. Yeah, congratulations. Great. Unfortunately, I
did have to add a couple
new clauses regarding travel on the grounds that you are a terrifying monster.
So once we get that...
What was that? You can't fly in airplanes because you are a terrifying monster.
Oh, I'm not a monster.
See, I am human. Mm-hmm. I was just raised in the jungle, and then when I was a
child, I was exposed to
some electric eels. So werewolf was born human, too. Then vampires were born
human. Frankenstein was a
bunch of humans. Yeah, so basically what you're just saying is only making me
believe that you
are indeed a monster. Not a monster. Mm-hmm. Listen, you are a monster, and as
such, all contestants with
talent appendage, that means your terrifying claw hands, while in transit must
relegate to a freight,
status, cubed, walled, or linked enclosure. What's that? You're gonna have to
fly in a crate underneath
the plane. I'm not flying in a crate underneath the plane. You're gonna have to
fly in a crate
underneath the plane. See, Vega told me that all of his flights were business
class. Yeah, it's not me,
it's the TSA. I mean, they're very uncomfortable with people not taking their
shoes off. I mean,
imagine if we sent you in with the shackles that don't come off. That's gonna
go beep, beep, beep, beep. You can search the shackles, sir.
That doesn't make me any more comfortable putting you in a middle seat on a
seven-hour flight to Russia to
flight Zangief. I mean, between a nun and a baby, there's no way you're not
gonna eat that baby. I mean,
look at me and tell me you're not gonna eat that small baby. I'm not gonna eat
the small baby. Keep eye
contact while you do it. I'm not gonna eat the small baby. You still looked
away. That makes me think
you're definitely gonna eat the small baby. Do you have a piece of baby stuck
in your throat? No,
no, I am insulted. I am insulted by your inference. If you'd like to talk to
our HR department, I can
gather them into a small posse, burn some torches and come to where you live.
Uh, this is bullshit.
Monster. I walk upright. I speak English. Learn the language. Gets you close to
the
children so you can scoop them up and eat them. Okay, I don't eat children and
I'd appreciate you not
inferring it. You more of like, uh, who killed all our goats? And then we pan
over and you're just
covered in blood. I don't even eat meat. I'm mostly vegetarian.
Monster. Human. Monster. I am not a monster. You are a monster. I'm a human.
You look like the
bastard child of Carrot Top and the Hulk. I don't have to listen to this. You
look like Bob Marley
merged with a bar of Irish Spring Soap. That is slanderous, sir. What's your
favorite energy drink?
It's not Red Bull, is it? Does it look like you scratched the front? All right,
you know what?
Enough of this. Enough. I am a human. I am not a monster. I am here to fight in
a tournament.
How do I make that happen? Easy. You just have to fill out form 7B,
sign here, here, and here, permission to treat you as cargo. Fine. I will concede
to your foolish demands.
And over here you'll see three choices for your in-flight meal.
Dry food, wet food, or dry food mixed with wet food? I'll just go ahead and
check mixed.
Every good boy likes the milk. I don't have to listen to this anymore, sir.
Good day.
Uh, Blanca, you didn't fill in your address. Should I put underneath my
daughter's bed,
or are you still living in a black lagoon? Munster!
Uh, Blanca!