Name: Ex-Men: Magneto
Uploaded: 2014-05-23T07:45:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ex-Men: Magneto' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ex-Men: Magneto' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-23. Transcript available.

Magneto, thank you for agreeing to meet with me.
Well, I don't think we'll ever agree on anything, Charles, but I'm always happy
to sit as friends.
What did you want to see me about?
Well, um, how to put it?
You're fired.
What?
This isn't, um, working for me.
You're not my boss. You cannot fire me.
And yet I just did. I just can't have such a lame arch enemy.
I'm just so tired of hearing you whine about mutants are the future. Mutants
are the future.
Look at this one. He's got webbed toes. Shouldn't he be president?
You're beginning to try my patience, Charles.
Oh, right. Your lame powers.
Look out, everyone. Magneto is attacking us with rudimentary science.
You should fear me, Charles.
Oh, I do. I don't stand a chance against you in a third grade science fair.
You're dumb. You're the mutant equivalent of a baking soda volcano.
You're dumb!
Piping hot comeback, magnet man.
Well, what's so cool about you anyway?
Ah, my unprecedented psychic ability.
Oh, right. I forgot. You're a psychic. What's your 900 number again?
Clever. Almost as clever as your name. Magneto. I mean, I use the power of my
mind.
Should I be mind-o?
Yes, but one thing you may not have noticed is neato is in there.
Like, neato.
People like that.
You're telling me that people like that the word neato is hidden in your name?
Yes, of course.
Anyway, it's better than your name.
Professor X?
Yeah, it's a job followed by a letter. Oh, behold my power. I'm children's
dentist N.
If I were a children's dentist named Ned, I would go by that.
You're bald also.
Oh, you want to make fun of heads wearing that helmet?
This helmet is ingenious. It prevents you from reading my thoughts.
And does the cape do that as well? Or do you just like looking like a live-action
role-playing nerd?
Or would you prefer that I wear a men's warehouse-style suit? You look like a
college basketball coach standing on the sidelines.
Or in your case, sitting.
Oh! Ring the bell! Somebody made a wheelchair joke.
Boom!
You think I need to be in this chair? I can levitate a goddamn aircraft carrier
with the power of my mind.
I could certainly float myself up like you do, but I don't feel the need to
advertise my powers like a desperate-for-attention magnetic David Blaine.
You look like a giant, bald baby.
You look like a teenage girl's tube of lip balm.
You look like Mr. Clean at a job interview.
You look like a tool that tells us the gender of a fetus.
You look like a white Steve Harvey.
Ouch.
Burn, you're quite gifted with words, Max.
Yeah!
Is that how you manage to recruit such an impressive brotherhood of mutants?
Good group.
What do you got? A toad and a fat guy?
Do you want to talk about teams?
Let's talk about teams.
You have a guy whose skeleton is made of metal. The one thing that I control!
Oh, I fired Wolverine's ass. He's worthless.
Oh, for real?
Yes, he's a piece of garbage and I tossed him.
Well, then we finally agree on something.
You know who you should fire?
Who's that?
Your stylist.
You look like a Trojan warrior who's real into Madonna.
Oh, okay.
I see how it is.
If you're psychic, what am I thinking now?
Oh, I have that power as well.
Nice metal watch.
I have another hand.
As do I.
Telekinesis beats magnets.
Touché, Charles.
Suck it, Max.
Eat a dick, Charles.
Charles.
We're being silly.
Old habits.
Indeed.
Shall we discuss peace?
The fate of the world is at stake.
I agree.
I hope you accept my apology.
Of course, old friend.
One of our gifted youngsters drew that.
Thought it would be nice to show it off.
You f***ing refrigerator.
you