Name: Tipping Monologue, June 9, 2014
Uploaded: 2014-06-10T08:15:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tipping Monologue, June 9, 2014' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-06-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tipping Monologue, June 9, 2014' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-06-10. Transcript available.

so yeah this is what i do i'm a tv host but you know what i did before this i
waited tables at
bennegan's now that's what i did before this not immediately before this wasn't
like hey guys um
sorry to interrupt southwest sampler right real good real good real good uh
this is carrie she's
taking over i gotta run to tbs something like that but i used to wait tables at
bennegan's in chicago
and i loved it i loved being a waiter everybody called me moose big guy called
moose name tag said
moose when i clocked out i'd get on the restaurant pa and go the moose is loose
moose is loose it's true
good times and you know what else i loved about being a waiter maybe the most
was the tips not
just the money but like working for tips i love working for it because being a
waiter it's kind
of like the american dream the harder you work the more you can make it's kind
of like scarface
only waiters do slightly more cocaine
i'm just kidding moose was drug free was
uh but here's what i want to say publicly about tips some people don't know
this but waiters don't
make an hourly wage you do but you get like a check for 12 cents like do i work
at a lemonade stand
so i just want to get this out there the tips aren't extra the tips are all of
it that's how
they get paid so tip your waiters well give them an extra dollar who cares just
get it in there
you'll make somebody's day and their rent think of the service industry like
the original kickstarter
but you're helping to fund a person's groceries and their self-worth instead of
an indie movie
you're friends are trying to make about wind farms bro it's called blowing in
the wind we only need 80 grand
that's a good idea wind isn't the only thing that blows kevin
forget kickstarter give it to a waiter they're giving you a lot in exchange you
get hot food endless
refills and sometimes some very convincing flirting from a girl in a bow tie
just like can i have some extra cheese honey
you can have whatever you want
i got all excited extra cheese that's code for sex
i'm gonna give her more than just the tip okay that's
it's a bad joke that's a bad joke good night
but here's the rule for good service tip 20 percent and i know that freaks some
people
out you're not good at math neither am i i'll make it easy move the decimal
point over one double
that number it's simple if the bill is 30 dollars move it over three times two
is six tip six bucks if
it's 40. why am i doing this i think you got it there's one guy at home like
wait wait what if it's 50
why am i even explaining this on late night anyway when did this become schoolhouse
rock
just like and that's how you tip
but here's where it gets more complicated because sometimes 20
isn't enough i'll tell you when i call that time
breakfast breakfast is cheap as and that waitress busts her ass for you so
sometimes it doesn't
end up fair like bringing someone three types of juice everybody loves every
juice all the juices
you have just for me that's one tray of goddamn juice just for one guy eggs
they bring you eggs
that are impossibly still hot that's not easy and bacon cooked to your exact
specifications just like
listen i want it crispy i want crispy all right but uh i want to have a little
bit of give just a little
bit of you know what i mean like cook it but then like take it out right when
it's like like you know
like like like like you know what you know what i mean like a little bit you
bite it it's kind of
like somewhere in between like a poker chip and a fruit roll up you know what i
mean
she's sweating running out of the kitchen like vishnu four arms each one lined
with five plates
they got a short order cook screaming at him like 86 the waffles over easy
coming up i just
keep fried the side of my hand constantly slamming that bell with the spatula
like ding ding ding move
move move now after all of that trauma your breakfast bill comes out to like 475.
this is where 20 doesn't work 20 of 4.75 is like 90 cents if you leave that
hard-working breakfast
waitress a 90-cent tip you deserve to be banned from breakfast throw her a
couple extra bucks
throw her five extra bucks she's been up since 5 a.m setting up the patio while
it was still dark
you haven't seen the bottom of the coffee cup since you walked in and if you
had the audacity to tip her
you're barely enough to snap into a slim jim yourself