Name: Daniel Sloss Helped A Woman Commit Adultery
Uploaded: 2014-06-10T08:25:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Daniel Sloss Helped A Woman Commit Adultery' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-06-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Daniel Sloss Helped A Woman Commit Adultery' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-06-10. Transcript available.

I'm super excited to be sitting here with Daniel Sloss,
a hilarious comedian, Scotsman.
Is Scott derogatory?
No.
A Scot.
F. Scott.
That's true.
Sloss doesn't sound good.
It sounds like a side.
Like a, what?
A side dish.
I'll have the turkey burger.
Do you have Sloss?
We've got some.
Is it vinegar or is it mayonnaise?
Well, I can, I can, we can choose.
We make it fresh in the back.
Nobody likes two-day-old Sloss.
It's not great.
You're a young man.
How old are you?
I'm 23.
And you've been doing comedy?
Six and a half years.
That's a long time.
Yeah.
So your parents encourage you to go into comedy.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And what do they do?
My mom is, she's got a PhD in microbiology,
so it's like greenhouse emissions.
Oh, wow.
And my dad is a computer programmer
who's currently working on 3D underwater sonar.
So they're both...
Geniuses.
Geniuses.
And this is what happens when you combine their sperm.
No, that's not how pregnancy works, isn't it?
Your mother's sperm.
And my dad's sperm.
No.
When the two sperms combine,
they make a child so stupid,
he thinks both people have sperm.
No.
It's the sperm and the egg.
The egg.
Yeah.
Ovum.
Oh, ovum?
A bit of an ovum in it.
Well, I didn't know.
For years and years, I thought the sperm was the baby
and the egg was just the house.
I was just gonna say.
It's his house.
Yeah, because he just goes in there and the egg keeps it safe.
Yeah.
And then it grows into a baby.
I actually think that informs how we view men and women.
It's such a male perspective.
It's like, the sperm is the dude.
And the lady keeps the dude safe.
She looks after him like his mama.
And then the dude grows and comes out
and the woman smashes that puss.
Can you teach me a good Scottish?
Gooch.
But I think that's--
Gooch.
Gooch.
You don't have that here.
We have designer bags.
Canal Street, you can get a fake gooch.
Gooch.
Gooch is the bit between your balls and your hands.
Oh, we call that the taint.
Oh, the taint.
Building bridges between our divisions.
We call that the taint or the natcha,
because it's not your penis, not your head.
And that's now what I'm calling it.
That's amazing.
The natcha.
What about intercourse?
Are you having intercourse?
I have had sex with over one woman.
So that's--
Double digits?
I'm gonna call that double digits,
because I do--
Because I got two in.
Oh.
Double digits.
Double digits.
They call them digits.
For years and years and years,
like all my comedian friends always had sort of like great sex stories.
Like as comedians do.
And it wasn't until I went to Sweden for the first time.
You went to Sweden?
I went to Sweden.
I met this girl.
Let me guess you're 24 and you got out of like a three-year relationship
recently.
She's like, I'm married with two kids.
And I was like, oh, well, okay.
Well, that's just then the game over sign came down.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I'm not an asshole.
I'll play after the credits and stuff.
I wasn't gonna stop talking to her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because she wasn't gonna have sex with me.
Like the DMV?
Yeah, yeah.
You'd been done.
This window's closed.
Yeah.
And so I'm like, I'm gonna go to the after party.
And she's like, oh, I thought--
I thought we were gonna go back to your hotel room and have sex.
And I was like, oh, I didn't--
I didn't know that was an option.
But sure, that sounds way better than what I had planned.
So like you and your husband are divorced.
She's like, no.
But he cheated on me three years ago.
So I owe him one.
She kissed me.
And when she kissed me, I know it was her hand was on--
One of her hands was on my back.
But her other hand wasn't anywhere.
And she brought it up here and took a photo of us kissing
and then sent it to her husband.
And I was like, okay, so this is like a--
Sweden's a very liberal place.
It's very free for thinking and stuff.
So I was like, this is like an agreement you guys have.
She's like, no, I just wanna see who you'll read.
I wanna see who you'll react.
And we went to the hotel room.
We're having sex.
Wait, what?
Yeah.
I didn't have a choice anymore in this.
And I was drunk.
You're just a pun.
I was used.
It was awesome.
You were used.
It was so good.
You loved it.
Yeah.
You loved being used.
That was amazing.
So you're boning.
Her phone's going off the entire time.
Texts.
Jesus Christ.
Texts.
No.
Phone.
Snapchats.
No.
And I'm like--
Why are the Snapchats?
It's just him like--
Videos of him going--
And so I'm like, you're gonna need to hang that up.
It's freaking me out.
Turn it off.
Like, it's distracting me.
She leaned over, answered it, put it on loudspeaker,
and then started moaning down the phone to her husband.
Who was screaming shit in Swedish back at me, which I didn't understand, but it
almost definitely
wasn't encouragement.
I've been unable to perform because the mood wasn't right.
You're still boning a woman while her husband's screaming at both of you in a
goofy sounding language.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Daniel, I've never met you before.
This was a real pleasure.
I watched your stuff on Conan.
You're super funny.
Love to have you on this show sometime as a stand-up as well.
Definitely.
And thank you for doing this.
Thank you very much for having me.
Daniel Sloss, everybody.
It's a side of Sloss.
And it was delicious.