Name: Pete Tries Dungeons & Dragons
Uploaded: 2014-06-10T18:26:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pete Tries Dungeons & Dragons' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-06-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pete Tries Dungeons & Dragons' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-06-10. Transcript available.

This is great guys, I'm so excited to play Dungeons & Dragons for the first
time.
Excellent. So in this game you can do anything you want.
You have complete free will, okay?
I love it, open-ended.
Okay, let's set the scene.
Xanadon, Elric, Thaddeus, you enter an old tavern in the town of Beldane.
You see a table near the fireplace, the far wall, and seated beside it is a
wizard holding an orb.
He's speaking strange incantations into it.
What would you like to do?
Okay, I enter the tavern.
Yes.
I get a table.
On the opposite end of the room is the wizard.
So far away from him.
I would like to be as far away from the wizard as possible.
Okay, because there are tables near him that are completely open.
I don't want to talk to old weird men talking to orbs.
Okay, look, the wizard appears before your table and sits down with the three
of you.
Okay, that's weird, because for all he knows we're waiting for a fourth.
He's a little offended, but then he says, "Listen to the tale of the ogre of Korgal."
He's coming on a little strong, so I stand up.
He says, "Where are you going?"
He says, "None of your business."
The wizard says, "Stop it!
Stop doing that!"
You said I could do anything.
This is an open-ended game.
Yes.
Pete, maybe we should talk to the wizard.
He can send us on a quest.
I'm into quests.
I'm a quest kind of guy.
Okay.
I just don't want a quest on an empty stomach.
So I ask to look at a menu.
Okay.
The tavern wench comes over and she goes, "Oh, tavern wench."
She's in her forties.
How's her body?
It's good.
Nice.
What's good here, m'lady?
She says, "The mutton?"
I would love the mutton.
Maybe we should do something a little more adventurous.
More adventurous.
I lean in real close and say, "Give me the eggplant parm."
How is that adventurous?
Six times out of seven it gives me Rhea.
Rhea?
Diarrhea.
There's no," she says, "There's no eggplant parm.
Of course there wouldn't be.
It is a dark age economy.
So why would that even be in this?"
Then I'll have the mutton.
Fine.
You have your mutton, okay?
Can we just please, can we take it seriously now?
Okay.
All right?
Okay.
I reach down to the cold handle of my steeled blade.
Yes, your ever blade of frost.
And I remove it from its sheath.
Yes, everyone looks in your direction.
And they watch me as I cut my mutton into smaller, more digestible pieces.
Okay, you know what?
Screw it.
I go up to the wizard.
Thank you.
I am Tristram, the wise man of this village.
My orb has shown me an ogre dwelling in the shallow marches.
I need you to go on a quest to stop him.
I accept this quest.
I too accept.
Xanadon, we are going on a mighty quest.
Will you join us?
I need to get some shut eyes.
Sleep off the mutton.
And then I'm going to ask if there's an inn attached to this tavern.
There is an inn.
A D&D B&B?
Sure.
Dungeons and dragons and beds and breakfasts?
Yes.
Okay, I'll get a room.
Okay.
The other two warriors set off on their quest.
Elric, the ogre roars.
You can smell its breath and then it attacks you with stone fist.
It's a hit.
I counter with disruptive strike.
Success.
I use storm a thousand blades.
Yes.
Yes.
I just kind of walk into my hotel room and, you know, just kind of like soak in
the vibe.
Okay.
So I'm going to soak in.
All right.
You don't even have to roll.
You rolled.
Okay.
So you successfully soaked in the vibe.
Great.
I want to kick off my weird boots and just kind of get in there.
Very good.
All right.
The ogre uses thunder dash on the two of you who are in the adventure.
And it is a critical hit.
And I am dead.
Me too.
Game ogre.
You guys ogre kill yourself.
Game ogre.
Okay.
I'm going to go.
Yeah.
All right.
I'm sorry.
I'm also going to go.
Yeah.
Thanks for playing, guys.
It's not normally like this.
The game is different.
All right.
Looks like it's just me and you, Dungeon Master.
Okay, Pete.
So you're the only adventurer left alive.
So what would you like to do?
I would like to go on an adventure.
Great.
Downstairs.
Okay.
I'm going to talk to that wench.
I want to make it happen.
That mutton was dry.
Let's see if anything's moist.
Nah, I mean.
Bye.
What happens with me and the serving wench?
Figure it out.
I don't need you.
I go up to the wench.
Ooh.
If you roll over its head, I'll let you do butt stuff.
Really?
Ooh.
I'm going downtown to Browntown.
This game's fun.
This game's fun.