Name: Kid Farm: Girls' Day Out
Uploaded: 2014-06-12T07:48:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Kid Farm: Girls' Day Out' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-06-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Kid Farm: Girls' Day Out' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-06-12. Transcript available.

This is the story of one big family.
I'm Jean Engvall, and this handsome daddy is my husband, Bill.
These are our kids: BJ, Bryn, Barney, Bancroft, Becky, Bill, Slow Down Please,
and Batron.
That's 17 kids in all, give or take, but I could fit much more in my family, so
I'm pregnant again.
We always knew we didn't want a typical family. We wanted a farm of kids.
Tea Farm!
Our eldest son, BJ, has proposed to the love of his life, Elizabeth,
and she said yes, it's a miracle.
And according to your doctor, it's also a miracle that you can still get
pregnant.
A double miracle.
And because Lizzie's a part of our family now, I took her out to find a wedding
dress at my favorite second-hand wedding shop.
Welcome to Something Borrowed. Congratulations on your love.
This place is so glamorous, just like Quiznos.
It was a regular girls' day out, and JP came too, for some reason.
Girls are susceptible to a lot of dangers in the outside world, which is why I
wanted to come with Jean, for protection.
I wanted to come with Jean at the same time.
Are you guys looking for something traditional, modern, train, no train?
Oh, something heavily discounted.
Saving money is very important when you have 17 kids.
Wow.
Okay, come back here with me.
We call this The Rack of Broken Dreams.
Dreams are the only movies that I'm allowed to watch.
Okay.
These are perfect.
You're perfect.
I want to try them on.
You can try them on.
Oh!
Oh, calm down.
This is a store.
That's not special.
Mm-mm.
Bring it down.
It was great getting to see Lizzie try on dresses.
They were so pretty.
Oh.
Oh, no.
I love all the colors.
The greens and the browns.
It looks like a bruise.
Oh, well, it's very moldy because two fishermen scooped it out of a beach whale's
blowhole.
Oh, well, that's very nice.
I love whales, Jonah.
But I think it's too much cleavage.
I do.
Modesty is important to our family.
If a boy knows what your ankle looks like, he knows what your knees look like.
If he knows what your knees look like, he knows what your boobs look like.
Boobs look like knees.
Since he's engaged now, I thought it would be a good time to teach BJ what
being a married
man is all about.
Love, commitment, and banging out two baker's dozen of children before the Lord
comes back
on a flaming sheep to judge us all.
This is one of the best tips I can give you, son.
Have a turkey fridge.
Keeps the energy up, much-needed protein, and, uh, you'd be surprised what a
little turkey
grease can do in a pinch.
I get what you mean.
I have no idea what he means.
Hold on.
Just felt wrong.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Right?
Do that.
Hey.
And this, son, is my conception sheet.
It's the best way to ensure your seed takes purchase.
Hey, look.
It looks like my one-eyed ghost costume.
Yeah.
It looks like.
Hmm.
Okay.
This one is real cheap.
You may notice a slightly irregular sleeve.
Also, there's a big tire track mark across the front.
Yeah.
I look just like that raccoon I saw once.
Actually, this is better than the skid marks we saw on that other dress.
Well, I think you look really nice.
Maybe a little tired.
I mean, I've heard of a track suit, but a track dress?
Hit the brakes!
Oh, gosh.
That is funny, but you are showing a little too much skin.
But it's got this cape thing.
I know.
Still no.
Okay.
Do you guys remember the story where the groom threw himself into a wood chipper?
No.
Why?
Ah.
Oh.
It smells like iron.
It's just like my night movies.
That's horrible.
I agree with cousin Jamie.
It's showing way too much face.
I love your face.
I like it.
I don't know why I put you in that.
You look terrifying.
Back at the house, I showed BJ a special book that teaches a new husband-to-be
everything
he needs to know about sex.
It starts pretty basic.
When laying with your beloved, a hug is optional, but not encouraged.
This is important.
All should take place in utter darkness.
That way even God can't see.
We've already covered that.
Oh, this one's important.
After the diva, it's essential that you take a scalding hot groin bath to
cleanse yourself
and remind yourself that what you did was for family and not for pleasure.
Just to be clear, I still put my thing in her other thing.
Yes, you put your thing in her thing.
Okay.
And like every good father should, I took a moment to teach BJ how to use a
condom.
This is a condom.
This is a banana.
Listen carefully.
You take the condom.
You throw it away.
You eat the banana.
The prophet, Kirk Cameron, says that a banana is proof that God exists.
I don't know why, but he's right.
Yeah.
Never do that again.
After a long day of shopping, we left the store empty handed.
I really would have liked to take home the blood one.
Seventeen kids?
Damn, bitch.
How big is your pussy?
You could probably wear that pussy as a wedding dress.
That pussy's so big.
If you need a venue, may I suggest that big ass pussy?
That pussy's probably got some great acoustics.
Something borrowed, something blue.
How about that used ass, bruised ass pussy?
You could probably wear that pussy as a wedding dress. That pussy's so big. If
you need it, then you may I suggest that big-ass pussy. That pussy's probably
got some great acoustics.
Something borrowed, something blew. How about that used-ass, bruised-ass pussy?
Oh shit! That pussy's big!
When the girls got home, I could tell something was wrong. And when Jean's
upset, there's usually only one thing that can cheer her up.
Honey, what's wrong? Should I get the turkey?
No, I'm just so frustrated. I mean, I couldn't find a dress modest enough.
That is frustrating. Bring it in for a squeezer.
I'm sorry.
Bill! That's it!
I should get the turkey? Oh no!
When you have a family of 17 children, you know not everything comes easy, from
fatherhood lessons to finding a wedding dress.
Thankfully, I had that book. And thankfully, I had two robes, some bubble wrap,
and some duct tape.
Oh, girls! Let's do it! Get her up there good!
We've got to make the dress!
Get the front. Good. Tie it up tight. Oh, good. My little dressmaker!
Can she breathe? Can she breathe?
Can she breathe?
Oh, I love it!
Oh, it's so modest.
So modest.
I love making dresses! Can I help make dresses?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
and that's how you use a condom.
I like it.