Name: Ex-Men: Jean Grey
Uploaded: 2014-06-18T00:40:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ex-Men: Jean Grey' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-06-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ex-Men: Jean Grey' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-06-18. Transcript available.

Professor X, you wanted to see me.
Jean Grey, I've been wondering, have you as a fellow psychic ever, perchance,
glanced into my mind?
No, Professor, that would be a violation of trust.
I completely agree.
However, what if I were to extend to you an invitation to peek inside,
just so you could bear witness to the knowledge I've amassed over the years as
the world's greatest psychic?
Really, you'd let me do that?
For Eugene, anything.
That would be an honor, sir.
Proceed.
Oh my god!
What the hell was that?
I shouldn't have to explain it to you, but obviously I'd like to give you a
good boning.
Oh my god, is this what you brought me in here for, was to hit on me?
No, no, no, never.
I invited you in here simply to let you know that you're a very important
member of the X-Men.
Thank you.
And to invite you to see a very important X-Men's member.
What?
Mine.
No, I know what you meant.
You're a teacher.
Here, students look up to you.
Oh, you, I'm a teacher.
Good.
Let's go with that.
Let's role play.
You are a student and you're failing.
Young lady, if you want this F to be an A, you need to let me F you in your A.
How about you F off?
You know I have a boyfriend.
Yes, Cyclops.
The Ray-Ban wearing two...
You know we're very much in love.
Oh, are you?
Because I've seen you many times in the halls with Wolverine.
It's complicated.
Oh, thanks for reading part of your Facebook page.
Look, I get it.
You're into Wolverine.
He's a big hairy dick.
If you're into big hairy dicks, I can certainly oblige.
The carpet does not match the drapes.
It is shag down there.
Oh, a shag carpet because no one's wanted it since the 70s?
It's full and vivacious.
Look, I'm clearly the safest choice in this entire mansion.
Cyclops, his glasses fall off while you're doing it.
You're toast.
Wolverine, he prematurely shoots out his blades, cuts you up, mauls you.
What then?
I'm done hearing this.
You're ready to act.
Great.
I-- I love you, Professor X.
I want you to take me right here, right now.
How dare you?
Don't you ever control me with your mind again.
I can control lots of you with my mind.
Like, think of me as a giant psychic vibrator.
Well, you are being a huge dildo, Professor X.
Please, call me Professor Sex.
Ew.
Or Professor Triple X, whatever you prefer.
Remember when they rated pornos?
It's never going to happen.
Oh, come on, Jean.
Have you ever had sex with a guy in a wheelchair?
I can pop a wheelie, a boner, and a cherry all at once.
OK, you've convinced me.
Really?
I-- yes.
Great.
Fantastic.
Why don't you take a peek into my mind for a second?
Yes, ma'am.
Oh, you.
It was dicks.
And they were touching.
It was like the unrated magic mic.
You see the one where the foreskin was over the one without the foreskin?
Oh my god.
I believe they call that talking.
And yes, I saw it.
Holy god.
Ah!
Get it out of my brain!
I'm sorry, Jean Grey.
I am a crass, obnoxious asshole.
Please accept my apology.
Oh, thank you, Professor X.
I still want to bone you.
I didn't make you say that.
Doesn't make it any less true.
You know what, Professor?
I quit the X-Men.
Wait.
No.
Jean, I've crossed the line again and again.
I don't know what to say for myself, but I apologize.
Really?
I can't express that any more earnestly.
I am sorry.
OK.
Your hair looks great.
Is that OK from one friend to another?
Yeah, that's an OK compliment.
You know how Rogue has that white streak in her hair?
Have you ever wanted one of those?
Because I have a product that's 100% organic.
Come back when you're Phoenix.
You won't be the only thing that's rising.
She guts it.