Name: New Material Seinfeld - Episode 3
Uploaded: 2016-03-16T15:05:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'New Material Seinfeld - Episode 3' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-03-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'New Material Seinfeld - Episode 3' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-03-16. Transcript available.

I'm thinking of doing a bit about, like, what if my dog had a cell phone, you
know?
Like, I go to the store, I come home, there's 382 missed calls.
I want to do a bit on leaves, you know?
Like, why do they call them leaves?
Most of the time, they're on the tree.
They should be called stays!
Is that... is that funny?
You think leaves should be called stays?
Right?
Dogs!
Dogs are good!
Think about it!
Dogs are good.
How's that guy at work?
He works like a dog.
How'd he sleep last night?
Oh, he slept like a dog!
Is he loyal?
Loyal as a dog?
Yeah, I see where you're going.
But wait, hold on, there's more.
Dogs are good!
Unless you're a girl dog, then you're a bitch.
Even if you're the son of a girl dog, it's bad.
Sons of bitches!
Never heard about daughters of bitches.
If you're a girl, you're a bitch.
If you're the daughter of a bitch, you're fine.
We got nothing for you.
Is that funny?
Is that funny?
I think that's good, right?
Yeah.
Yeah?
There are sons of bitches, but there are no daughters of bitches.
If you're a daughter of a bitch, you're just a bitch.
Wait, wait, wait.
What are you doing?
Is that supposed to be me?
That's what you sound like!
You sound like this!
I don't sound like that.
Yogurt?
Why are you saying yo?
What is it?
Hip-hop?
Dairy?
That's you.
I don't sound like that!
I don't sound like that!
Stop it!
Cut it!
Cut it out!
I don't like it!
Cut it out!
Yeah!
Gamer!
Money!
I got a bit about money.
I want to run it by you.
Alright.
Did you ever think about the names of money?
Why do they call money dough?
Because you need it.
Get it?
Oh my god.
That's not good.
No, you need the dough to make the bread.
It's called dough.
It's called bread.
It's called cheddar.
We're halfway to making a pizza.
Here's the funny thing though.
Pizza costs nothing.
Little Caesar's is $2.
The dough costs no dough.
Is that anything?
That's funny, right?
Eh, you know, it's good.
It's just a little, um...
It's a little what?
It's a little literal.
Well, maybe it's supposed to be, Pete.
Maybe it's wordplay, you know?
Yeah, but that's not all you do.
You know, it's more nuanced and crafted.
You're right.
Did you ever think about the word diner?
Oh, boy.
Diners are the only places that are named after the people occupying them.
Okay.
I'm the diner and I'm in the diner.
What am I doing?
Dining!
Exactly!
They don't call a car a driver.
They don't call a phone booth a caller.
You don't call a hat a head.
You don't call your underwear genitals.
You have a lot of these.
You don't call the fridge a fooder.
I think maybe you do one or two.
You don't call your oven a fooder.
A lot of...
You don't call a microwave a fooder.
You don't call a food court a fooder.
You don't call a freezer a fooder.
You don't call a supermarket a fooder.
Is that anything?
Is that anything?