Name: Ex-Men: Gambit
Uploaded: 2017-05-02T19:27:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ex-Men: Gambit' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ex-Men: Gambit' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-02. Transcript available.

So, Gambit, you throw stuff.
Yeah, I tap into the energy of an object and I turn it into kinetic energy.
And then you throw it.
Yeah, I throw it. I throw it really hard.
Yes, I'm just going to keep it then as throws stuff, which is what I had.
Gambit, my question then is, what happens if you run out of stuff?
Ah, but there's always stuff to throw.
There's always stuff.
Yeah, and I got my playing cards.
Right, you're...
Great to have you on the team.
That was tough because, you know, this is a new deck and they're all...
A little slick.
You know, you know, so it's good to work them in a little bit, throw them a
bunch.
Yeah, I understand.
What if you run out of cards?
How about, you know, Professor, it doesn't have to be the playing card.
It can be any type of...
Oh, oh, you could throw a business card.
Yeah, yeah.
You could do maybe an Uno.
Yeah, Uno's easy.
Could you throw a Magic the Gathering card?
It's quite fitting.
Baseball?
Sure, any sport.
What about a greeting card?
Yeah, it's a little thick, but, you know, I can...
Oh, you could? Cool.
Yeah.
No, no, f***ing no.
Without cards, you're garbage.
I can throw other things, you know, like in my pocket I have some change, you
know, because
I had a gyro.
Earlier I had a lunch.
Oh, so if we were attacked by sentinels at lunch, perhaps you could have thrown
the gyro.
Yeah, yeah, you can throw a gyro, but it's tough because the meat's floppy.
Scatters the meat.
I'm sorry.
Are you...
You're still messing with me on you.
Indubitably.
Are you hearing as we're speaking how incredibly lame you are?
So, you're fired?
No.
Yes, I am firing you because without stuff, you are worthless.
What if we're attacked and we're not inside of a 99-cent store?
Or in the paper plate aisle of a Target?
But...
Or perhaps at some knick-knack flea market in New Hampshire?
Hmm?
What then?
I got the backup, you know, because I got the staff.
You remember me with the staff?
Oh, I didn't look in the file.
You have a staff.
You train underneath a waterfall with the staff.
Da-da-da-da-da.
Hmm?
I train.
I'm training all the staff.
Great.
If the X-Men ever have a parade, we'll put you right at the top.
When you hold that staff, you look like the world's biggest Blade fan.
Do you understand?
You look like you brought it to lean on as you wait in line overnight for the
new Twilight.
Book, not movie.
What are those gloves?
Go fingerless or go fingered.
Those are the choices.
None of this f***ing cats is coming back to Broadway bullshit.
Here's some fingerless for you.
Suck on it.
Okay, I'm gonna go.
You know, it's not goodbye, Gambis.
If we're ever attacked while we're all playing inside of a ball pit, I will
call you.
Really?
You will?
No.
Now, would you throw yourself out?
I could melt you with my mind.
I'll see you next time.