Name: Have You Seen This Chair? w/ Jon Hamm | You Made It Weird Live!
Uploaded: 2022-06-08T02:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Have You Seen This Chair? w/ Jon Hamm | You Made It Weird Live!' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Have You Seen This Chair? w/ Jon Hamm | You Made It Weird Live!' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-08. Transcript available.

- I would like you to look at this chair.
- Oh, I looked at it.
- Okay.
- It's, it's sconced in jizz.
- Yeah, we did--
- Like it's not a bit.
- No, it really--
- There's jizz.
- That, that is jizz.
- So either like a bird came in here
and came all over the chair.
- That's as likely as an owl killing Kathleen Peterson.
Have a seat.
- I was just gonna make that joke.
- You knew I was gonna say that?
- I was gonna say that joke.
- Also, did you like have the experience I had,
which is I didn't even know there were people
up in the balcony until John Hamm walked out
and then a whole crew.
- Yeah, those are the Hamm fans.
They got Hamm price tickets, that's half price.
- Just bring any slice of Hamm to any show
that I'm appearing on, you get them free.
- Hamm makes everything better.
- Hamm is delicious and it makes everything better
and you're welcome.
- Yeah.
- That's right.
- John, John Hamm.
- Port.
- Port?
- Port pit.
- Port.
- Port.
- Port.
- Sorry, Pete.
- Is it Pete?
- It's not port and I think you knew that.
- Not yet.
- I wanna say up top, I'm sorry for asking you to sit in jizz.
- I'm also seated in jizz.
- Well good, I mean if we're all doing it.
- Yeah.
- And by the way, don't look at your seats.
- It's the top of the seat of the top of the seat, horrible Oprah.
Everybody got jizz tonight.
- Yeah, exactly.
And you get to sit in jizz and then you get to sit in jizz.
- Oh no, dirty Oprah.
- Oh, dirty Oprah.
- Here's my first question for you.
- What if that was her first take on being Oprah?
- Just like a weird like Colin's sleazy friends show.
Like it was dirty Oprah and it didn't really hit
and people were like, I get what you're going for,
but this is probably not what you should be doing.
Let's flip the whole script and be like super pleasant.
- All right, I guess, I don't know.
- People forget that.
Oprah started as like a shock jock.
Like you want to meet Dr. Phil?
You want to see his balls?
Like whoa.
- Hey, Oprah, that's too much.
- No, teach us to meditate.
- He's a clinical man.
- Have you done Oprah?
- Have I been on Oprah?
- I have.
- I didn't ask you.
- Okay.
- What, have I met Oprah?
- No, no, no, I'm asking, take it as you will.
Have you done Oprah?
Have you been on Oprah?
- Wait.
- It's not getting any less dirty.
- Let me, hold on.
Have you been on top of Oprah?
- That's, I figured that's exactly what you meant it.
No, I have not yet.
I haven't had the pleasure.
- No, yes.
That's Stedman, man.
- That's what you want.
- That's a no ham zone.
- It is a no ham.
Or real.
- Maybe Gail.
Listen.
- Oh dear.
- Oh dear.
- That's a good question.
Do you like being Jon Hamm?
Is it fun?
I think a lot of people would be like,
I'd love to be Jon Hamm.
Or are there times when you're like, fuck, I wish I could hang up my head
somewhere and
just be one of these guys.
Hang your head up.
- Just anyone.
- Like I pick one of you just like for being not Jon Hamm, like this piece of
shit.
Look at this piece of shit.
Ain't no one clamoring.
No selfies.
I'm sorry, what's your name?
Jason.
You're the king.
Jason or Mason.
Which one was it?
Because...
- Or is it pork?
- Jason.
It's Jason.
- He pulled down the mask.
He wanted that full ham.
- Absolutely Jason.
He wanted unprotected ham on ham gays.
But for real, do you ever go like shit?
It would be more convenient to not be Jon Hamm right now?
- No.
No.
It is, you know, not for nothing.
I worked very hard to get where I am in my career and life and everything.
I feel very lucky, certainly, that I've found success much later than most.
And I also am very lucky.
- Some would say you haven't found it yet.
- Well, some would.
- I'm so mad about the pork thing, but keep going.
But let me ask you that.
Here's another one.
Here, have some Evian.
When you walk into a party, everyone knows, like probably people want a piece
of that sweet,
sweet ham, right?
- Maybe.
I'm not sure.
You know, I haven't really had that experience so much.
I mostly go to, you know, parties with people I know.
I don't know, I don't really go to like a...
- That's not a party.
That's a soiree.
- For sure.
- I'm talking about like you walk into Ye Rustic Inn.
- Which you can do now.
- Which you can do.
I think they were open the whole plan.
- For sure.
They were like, I don't know, just go on the side door.
It doesn't know.
It hits the front and it bounces off.
Go on the side.
You'll be fine.
There's much worse in that bar than COVID.
These chairs are clean compared to what's on offer.
- You can get COVID-20 at Ye Rustic Inn right now.
- I know a guy.
- You can get COVID like 15.
- Retro.
- They have like vintages.
- Yeah.
- Oh my God.
- Your COVID sommelier comes out.
- Yes.
- He's like, tell me what you want.
I'll breathe it right on you.
- I'm feeling nostalgic.
Could I have COVID-21?
- I'm going to say it to you.
I miss COVID-15.
I'll say it.
It was a different time.
Trump wasn't president yet.
There was like a whole difference.
It's, you know, it felt like a more, a more fun way to, you know, lose your
breath.
I judge history.
Lose your breath.
- It was a cute way to die.
It was cute.
It was cute.
Oh, lose your breath.
From memory, how much of John's ham, John ham, can you remember?
- Very little.
I remember, I remember doing that sketch and thinking like, well, this is never
going to
make it on the air, but somebody in the prop department built a toilet paper
roll out of ham
that has a piece of ham that rolls off of it.
So I was like, well, maybe I can keep it.
- Did you keep it?
- I did not.
No, it certainly wouldn't keep.
- You can't keep it.
You can maintain it in your possession.
- You can have it.
- You can have it, but you cannot keep it.
- By the end of the after party, it's probably, you probably don't want,
you know, it gets that weird green shimmery, you know?
- Oh yeah.
- No, everybody knows.
- No, no disrespect to your namesake, but ham is one of the wetter slimy.
- It is wet.
It's a wet meat.
- Yeah.
- Like, would you rather be John Turkey?
That's a fair question.
- Maybe a salami, like a cured...
- Yeah, a tramy.
- A ghost salami.
- Yeah, a prosciutto, maybe.
- Ooh.
- That just means ham.
- Oh, John the prosciutto!
- Hey, I got to translate this whole thing!
- Yeah.
- When you walk around the streets of Rome, as I'm assuming you do...
- This is what I do all the time.
- And people scream, "Hey, Johnny prosciutto!"
- Exactly what happens.
- "You ever fuck Oprah?"
Like that sort of thing.
- Not now, but like, "Dirty Oprah!"
- Hey! And then they get on the best spot and off they go.
- They know the bit! They've listened to this podcast.
- When she was dirty at the beginning, Dr. Phil's ball!
- Remember, like calling sleazy friends, the cable access no one remembers.
- Is this voice okay?
- I don't know!
- Not much longer!
- We're not sure.
- Somebody up here to hit us.
- Latecomer, joke's on you. Ham was first.
- Oh, don't worry, you're so cute.
- No, no, welcome.
- Welcome, welcome.
- Welcome, welcome.
- So, John, Sam, John...
- Please understand the screens on your chair.
It's, uh, we didn't do it, they were there.
- Yeah.
- We were just...
- We missed the whole jizz thing, it's fine.
- You missed our jizz bit.
- Yeah, you missed the jizz bit.
- Which we'll probably bring back.
- Oh, that'll come back.
- I think it'll come back.
- Okay.
- We'll see, we'll see.
- Knowing jizz, it's like an appetite, it comes back.
- You never, you never get it.
- It doesn't stay hidden for long.
- Oh, my God!
- It's so great to be here at the end of both of our careers.
- I know!
- Bye!
- Bye!
- Bye!
- You don't know about the future, it's anybody's jizz!
- Joey Lawrence comes off and says, "Whoa, you can't do Italian, you can't even
do me!"