Name: Bert Kreischer | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes
Uploaded: 2023-07-05T14:00:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bert Kreischer | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bert Kreischer | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-05. Transcript available.

Bert Kreischer | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

You made it weird. You made it weird. You made it weird. Oh yeah. You made it
weird. You made it weird. Yes you did. You made it weird. Oh yeah. You made it
weird. With Pete Holmes. Yes you did. You made it weird. Oh yeah.
What's happening weirdos. This is the return of the incredible hilarious and
wonderful Burt Kreischer who has a new movie. You're about to hear we talk a
little bit about it. Not not a ton but I did gush quite a bit because I went
and I saw it and I fucking loved it and it's available streaming on like Apple
TV. You get on your iTunes. You can get it. You can buy it on YouTube. I'm
pretty sure YouTube.com is a website but I loved it. He's fantastic. He's so
funny.
It's so him and you got to check it out. It's it's really gave me so many
laughs and so many laughs at both Val and I needed so badly. That's so hard to
do. So check out the machine which is available on demand now. If you'd like
some live laughs some LL's go to PeteHolmes.com because I'm on tour. I'm going
to be in New York and I think New Jersey Connecticut. I don't know Denver. That
sounds right. I'm going to be adding St. Louis. That'll be available soon.
Listen. I'm going all around and it's just and even after this tour is done of
this hour I'm going to continue touring and doing more dates as I work out my
next hour. So regardless of when you hear this I'm probably coming to a town
near you. Go to PeteHolmes.com and I hope to see you out there. It means so
much when people come to the shows. Also if you like the show we do ads a
little bit differently here. We only do spots for things I actually use and
actually love like this. I'm wearing it right now. If you're watching the video.
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All right, everybody. Let's get into Burt Kreischer. He returns right now. Get
into it.
You're the first person that I said I need a Katie. No, it's real. Everybody
needs a Katie. I swear to God. Oh, so good to see. I've been thinking about it.
How have you been doing? Good. How's life been?
So sweet. Yeah. I love this. So awesome. I've known Katie now for fucking 15
years. No, I know. I know. No, I love Katie. She's wonderful.
And you're still working with her. Still working with her. That's so fucking
awesome. Still together. That's so fucking awesome.
Now we're self-produced, but we were with Nerdist, which is how we got her
started.
Nerdist, that's interesting. Are we rolling? We're rolling.
Nerdist is a really interesting dude. Shout out to Chris Hardwick. He is such
an inventive fucking next level dude.
Yes. Yeah. He changed my life. Chris Hardwick changed a lot of lives. He pushed
me to do a pod.
And we used to text each other just the word game changer. I didn't mean to
interrupt. No. I'm just with you. I want to give him some love. Yeah.
Because he was like, you should do it. Because I was like, what? It's just,
just talking. And he's like, you don't understand.
I would argue. I would argue. Can I tell you this? I'm going to say this. I
hope you take this as a compliment.
Me?
If you didn't have extracurriculars in your career, meaning TV shows, movies,
tours, if you just had focused on, on podcasting, you'd be bigger than Rogan.
You think so?
Yeah. You were so, I think you got distracted with a lot of the bigger things
in your life. The Pete Holmes show, the fucking crashing, which were all
fucking amazing. I would, I would gladly,
in the career that we both have chosen, we've chosen to do the extracurriculars.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
For whatever reason.
Where are those kids that we do band?
Yeah, they tempt us.
We do dance.
I want to be challenged on other things. Like Joe just, I think Joe already did
them all and was done.
Yeah, he got it. He didn't peak, but he broke early. That's the word I'm
looking for.
And you know, in secret time, Joe got put in time out for a little bit.
Tell me.
You know, I'm sure Joe would be fun.
When you were filming that space show?
No, no, Joe got put in time out after doing the man show and then the Carlos
Mencia thing.
It all happened at the same time. After the man show, cause I got offered the
man show. I got offered the man show.
Yeah. Why weren't you the host of the man show?
Well, you know, can I, can I tell you, can I tell you why?
What do you mean?
They offered me the man show, uh, probably 2015, 2014, 15.
We just started doing Joe's podcast and Joe's podcast was big.
And it's really when we came, Joe became like a little bit of a, like a, I say
big brother.
I don't want to like using the word mentor because I, I never like mentors too
grandiose.
Big brother, like where I could go, like.
It has the word men in it. You guys would like that.
I like that a lot.
I meant it cause you're, cause you're man, you're men, you're man, man.
I'm really tapping into my gay side lately.
I hung out with Rob Lowe yesterday and he is so fucking perfect.
He's a beautiful man.
So I called Joe, I was in Edmonton.
They offered me the man show.
They said, you can have anyone guest host it.
You beat you.
And then you can pick whoever you want to cohost it with.
And I called Joe and I said, Hey man, I'm going to just got offered the man
show.
I know you did it.
What do you think he was?
Don't do it.
Please don't do it.
Please don't do it.
It's not worth it.
He's like, listen, man, I got put in a little bit of a TV timeout after I did
it
because it, no one, no one liked it.
And I, and then, and it kind of fucked me for a little bit.
Wait, because people didn't like how on PC it was.
No, no, no.
Is that it just didn't perform well.
Wasn't good.
So whenever you get, whenever you have something, maybe it was good.
It just didn't perform well.
It didn't perform well.
It wasn't, it wasn't Jimmy and Adam.
Yeah.
Jimmy and Adam had a special chemistry.
Yeah.
They were special dudes and they were doing something at a time when it was
unacceptable
and, and girls on trampolines.
I remember watching that and going like, yeah, it's fucking perfect.
Right.
I wanted that to be the whole show.
When I was 15, I was like, why wasn't.
Can I tell you, it still works.
And there's porn out there pretty excessively.
It still works.
It still works.
I saw girls on trampoline the other day and I went, that's fucking cool.
Yeah.
It's fucking cool.
Like a, like a light flare to it.
Like frolicking.
I love, Doug, Doug Benson used to do side boobs Sundays.
Yeah.
And his fans would just send pictures of side boobs.
And I'd go, that fucking works.
Yeah.
Now I know under boob too.
Oh, under boob.
Under boob is great.
Like down blousing when a woman, when a woman is not wearing a bra and they
lean forward
to talk to you and you're supposed to like, you get that moment of, of, of, of
animal
instinct where you see it and you go, I want to look.
I want to look and then you look away because you're a gentleman, but you're,
the part of
you is a man where you're like, she fucking knows.
Yeah.
She knows she's doing this to me.
That fucking.
Have you ever thought about this?
If you and I were women, I feel like would be the similar style, brassy broads.
I say that with, with love.
Yeah.
I'd have like a, a, a, like a dragon tattoo high on my thigh.
Ooh.
I might have red hair.
Can I?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'd have red hair too.
Can I tell you, I really put this together at one point that doing standup is
our attempt to
be hot women.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah.
You walk through the mall of America and people are as, as excited to see you
as they would
just, not just, but like a beautiful, like Joan from Mad Men walks through.
Yeah.
Same level of enthusiasm.
I said.
At a yogurt shop.
I said, I was talking to my, my, my lady who runs my social media.
We were stuck in traffic and we were talking about what percentage of the
opposite sex
do you think you'd have sex with?
And she's very attractive.
And she said, I think I could have sex with a hundred percent of men.
Amen.
And I said, I was like, yeah, that's actually pretty accurate.
I said, what about me?
And she goes, I don't know, like 30%.
And I was like, wait, hold on.
Are you doing just me as me or me as if I have my career?
I have.
She goes, oh, well, that's a little bit of a game changer.
Of course.
Cause it's, it is, it is true.
I could get, it's not fair either that.
I mean, look at both of us are married men.
So we're talking in this fantasy parallel universe.
Yeah.
But I could get girls.
I don't deserve.
Interesting.
What is attractiveness?
If not an externalization.
So, okay.
I'm going to give this.
I'm really deep.
I love where this is going.
I'm going to give this to you.
Okay.
Rob Lowe.
Tell me about Rob Lowe.
Tell me about Rob Lowe's jawline.
Is it chiseled?
Part of his face.
Yes.
Is perfectly measured.
Yes.
So symmetry.
Symmetry.
Symmetry is also just a genetic indicator.
Real teeth.
Real teeth.
He has real teeth.
We can't be sure about that.
They might be wooden.
No, I watch.
I watch.
I pick on real teeth.
You got real teeth.
I got real teeth.
I don't have real teeth, but I have ugly teeth.
How can you tell when people don't have real teeth?
It turns me off.
When you see someone.
How do you know?
Oh, they're too perfect.
When they're hurting.
Hi, how are you doing?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Chicklet teeth.
Square jaw.
Everybody who listens to this podcast knows I'm going to say this.
But a square jaw is an indication of high testosterone.
So his body 