Name: BATMAN FIRES AQUAMAN | BAT-CANNED
Uploaded: 2023-09-14T19:00:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'BATMAN FIRES AQUAMAN | BAT-CANNED' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'BATMAN FIRES AQUAMAN | BAT-CANNED' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-14. Transcript available.

So, Arthur, thank you for meeting with me.
It is no problem.
Got your message?
Surfed on a humpback whale?
Came straight back here from Iceland.
Cool.
Uh, listen, buddy, we're doing a little housekeeping here at the Justice League,
and, um, I don't know how to say this, but, uh, you're fired.
Wait, what'd you say to me?
What, you got swimmers here?
I know you're not familiar with the concept of fire, because you live under the
sea, but, uh, you could also say shikened, uh, terminated.
I think in Britain they say redundant.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I bring the might of Atlantis to the Justice League.
And you're useful as long as we happen to be fighting General Zod next to a
lake, or in Miami, or a lazy river in a water park.
So you can go off and save the drowning polar bears, but you won't be here with
us, Waterboy.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
Oh, man.
Sorry, I'm looking at Waterboy, or should I call you, Bobby Boucher, New
Orleans.
You can do it.
I can do it.
I can do a lot.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
Sorry, Aquafina.
Oh, Aquaman.
And you ask anybody on the Justice League, they'll tell you I am an invaluable
member of this team.
Okay.
All right, Dasani.
Lay it on me.
Tell me what you can do, Mountain Valley Spring.
Okay.
I can communicate with every living creature living in our vast oceans.
Okay.
Talks to fish.
Got it.
Also-
I'm going to stop you right there, because I know your powers.
It's talks to fish.
The rest of the page is blank.
For office use only.
I have sonar.
Yeah, for talking to fish.
I have super hearing.
Uh-huh.
So you can listen to fish?
I can breathe underwater.
Because that's where the fish you talk to are?
Night vision.
So you can find the fish, if you ever want a nighttime chinwag.
I can do a lot more than just talk to fish, okay?
I can transport the entire Justice League by manipulating the waves of the
ocean.
Oh, wow.
You know what else can transport people on the ocean?
A boat.
Are you faster than a boat?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm faster than a boat.
Like a slow boat.
Way faster than a slow boat.
What about a normal to fast boat, like a medium salsa boat?
About the same.
We'll stick to boats.
You know what?
I don't have to listen to this when I wield the mighty trident of Neptune.
What's up?
That's your trident?
Yeah.
Tri?
Trident?
How many dents you see on that trident?
There's no dents at all, man.
It's clean.
How many pokies?
Bunch.
A trident's supposed to be three, dipshit.
There's three.
Look, look.
One.
Another one.
Two.
Also two.
The third one in the middle, bro.
That's a fucking spork, you idiot.
You look like an underwater farmer who grows his own hemp.
Four out of five dentists agree.
Your trident is inaccurate.
Listen, you insignificant mortal.
The insults you've wielded today will never be forgotten.
I swear it by the beard of posa...
Sorry, man.
I put up with that as long as I could, but as soon as you leaned this way, you
wafted low tide all over me.
Now it smells like a bait shop down by the bayou in August.
You smell like a third date went really well.
All right, stop it.
Stop that.
That's what you just did to me.
But at least mine smells like cotton fresh mist.
Listen, I don't have to take this, all right?
I have more power in my scaled dick than you do, my batted friend.
You have a scaled dick.
Everybody knew that.
That sounds like something I would say to you to make fun of you, but you're
just offering it up.
You know what?
Let me speak this in a way you can understand.
What was that?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you could speak, sea creature.
That was eat my whole ass in dolphin.
You know what?
I quit.
You look like the pool boy in a porno.
If you're so helpful to sea creatures, where were you in the documentary The Cove?
Haunting!