Name: BATMAN FIRES WONDER WOMAN | BAT-CANNED
Uploaded: 2023-09-21T19:00:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'BATMAN FIRES WONDER WOMAN | BAT-CANNED' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'BATMAN FIRES WONDER WOMAN | BAT-CANNED' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-21. Transcript available.

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-Diana. -Arm-rustle me.
-Whoa! Coming in hot.
Ah, that's gonna be a quick no from Bats.
-Then you yield!
I shall spread news far and wide
of your cowardly capitulation,
which will call into question
the size of your sexual member.
-Sure, it's wider than it's long,
but let's not bring body-shaming into this
red, white, and gold Xena.
-You dare call me Xena?
-I am Princess Diana of Themyscara,
princess of the Amazons,
known to the world as Wonder Woman.
-Listen, I'm glad you brought up
your fun little fighty name,
'cause I've been wondering what this weird lady
with a metal headband is doing on our super team.
-Wow! -Yeah.
-Are you making fun of my tiara?
-Yeah. -Okay.
With this tiara, I can understand
any language, present or future.
Also, I can throw it real far.
-Okay, so to recap, you have a metal hat
that's like Duolingo and a bad boomerang.
Your whole outfit, it doesn't make sense.
-Oh, you think my outfit's stupid?
You took the time to add ears to your helmet.
-Yeah, but there's little walkie-talkie antennae in there.
So I'm wearing hearing aids.
And it goes up into the pointy point.
And these are like little AM antennas.
Sometimes I pick up, "Wait, wait, don't tell me."
-That feels elaborate and unnecessary,
and I don't think you should criticize what I'm wearing.
-No. -My armor is crafted by Greek gods.
And at least I don't use it to give myself fake abs.
-Fake abs? -Fake abs!
-You're out of line!
I'm not wearing fake hockey abs.
-There's abs in here. -Oh, no.
-Under here, there's abs. -Where?
-Well, under the abs that are on it,
there's Bruce. -Uh-huh.
-Jiggly Bruce.
And then there's abs.
What are those bracelets?
-These bracelets are made out of the strongest metal on Earth, Amazonium.
They are so strong, they can stop bullets.
-Great.
My wrists have body armor, too.
But you know what else does?
My vital organs.
And I'm sorry, but you're an Amazon,
and the metal that you discovered,
you called it Amazonium.
That's like Avatar unobtainium bad.
-Oh, really?
How long did it take you to come up with Batman,
man who likes bats?
-A surprisingly long time.
My first choice was Batty McKickin' Punch.
I'd have an upside-down guy, and they'd go, "Who are you?"
I'd go, "Batty McKickin' Punch."
But they kept laughing.
I killed a lot of those guys.
-I thought you never killed anybody.
-It was the early years.
I was workshopping.
I'm sorry.
This, and all the other reasons I mentioned,
it's why you're fuckin' fired.
-What?
-You're fuckin' fired.
-There's one thing you've forgotten about.
My lasso.
-Oh, no.
I didn't forget about your lasso.
The whole world forgot what a lasso is.
You say "lasso" to anyone under 40 in this country?
They all think you mean an endlessly optimistic soccer coach.
It has its uses.
-No. -No.
The lasso of Hastia compels you to tell the truth.
It is pointless and painful to resist.
-No, this isn't painful at all.
It does hurt.
It hurts a surprising amount.
-What is your secret identity?
-Bruce Wayne!
But that's just one layer.
I have a deeper secret identity.
Shit Dick Daniels!
Shit Dick Daniels is the real me.
-Okay, what is your biggest insecurity?
-Boob shadow.
No matter how many girl push-ups I do,
there's still a good eclipse under each of my nips.
-What is your deepest, darkest secret?
-I could've saved my parents.
I just had a Game Boy at the time.
-Oh, God.
-Why didn't I put down the Kirby?
-Have you ever had a sexual fantasy
about anyone in the league?
-No!
Yes!
Flash!
-Flash?
-Look, I'm not into dudes, but I'm a porn addict.
It's more about novelty
than what's actually doing it for me.
-Oh, wow.
-Plus, he could give me a handy so fast
my dick would blur in smoke.
-Gross.
I'm gonna tell everyone on the Justice League
about your smoking handjob fantasy
if you don't keep me on the team.
-I don't care.
I do care.
I define myself by other people's opinions.
-I thought so.
-I do an impression of what I think they want,
and it's exhausting!
Psychologically draining!
Also, you're fuckin' fired.
And you know I mean it.
Would I lie to you?
.