Name: BATMAN FIRES CYBORG | BAT-CANNED
Uploaded: 2023-09-28T19:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'BATMAN FIRES CYBORG | BAT-CANNED' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'BATMAN FIRES CYBORG | BAT-CANNED' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-28. Transcript available.

Vic. Cyborg. Vic the, Vic the Cyborg. Just Cyborg. You seem tense. What's up?
I know why you ask me here. You got the whole Justice League on your big office
space type
evaluations. You're here to fire me. I know. Go ahead and do it. Vic. Cyborg. I
would never fire you.
In fact, you're the most useful member of this team. Really? Yeah. The lasers,
the plasma cannon,
you fly. I can't fly. You talk to computers. That's the one that blows me away
the most. In fact,
I'd love to see it in action. You know, not many people ask to see what I can
do. I'd love to help.
Right? Mm-hmm. Because, uh, my wireless printer. Your printer? I tried to
connect it to the back
computer, and they still can't talk to each other. And yes, they're on the same
wireless network.
My personal Wi-Fi. Goth ham and cheese 21. What do you want me to do about this?
I'd like some tech support. Look, man, I'm a hyper-advanced manned computer
that can interface
with all electronics. Not your personal geek squad. Nobody said geek squad. You're
not a squad. You're
just one geek guy. Not your geek guy. Okay, forget about my printer. It is so
cold in here.
What do you want? It's a nest thermostat, man. I thought it would help if you
could tell it to
make it roasty-toasty. Would you set a schedule for it? Because it will work on
its own. You just
got to set the schedule yourself. Okay, so you can do this. This is what I'm
talking about. No, I'm saying you can do this.
I think you can do this. You can do this. No, I can't. It's easy. I can't. I'm
not doing it.
Okay, then can you help me get a CD onto my iPhone? No, I cannot help you get a
CD onto your iPhone.
I'm not your Gen Z nephew here to teach you about TikTok. I'm a human being.
Are you sure? I mean,
a lot of us think your Ding Dong just might be three or four D batteries. Who
said that? Alfred.
Well, no. I said it to Alfred. Wouldn't it be great if Cyborg's Ding Dong was
three or four D batteries?
And he said, "Very good, sir." Are you just firing me already?
Fire you? Cybies. Honestly, I would never fire you. All foolishness aside,
I have a matter of life and death that only you can help me with.
Really? Really? This is a grave, grave matter.
Okay. Tell me about it. Okay. I had some documents, photographs, and I deleted
those
documents and I need to retrieve them. They're highly sensitive. And you need
me to access the
mainframe and get them for you. I know there's got to be a way. Oh, there's
definitely a way.
Yes? I can do this. Really?
Yeah. Just tell me what the pictures are of. Okay. Well, I don't know if you
ever met my
now dead girlfriend, Rachel Dodge. You're lovely. Sorry for your loss.
I appreciate that. Before she passed in a barrel fire, she had sent me some
delicate photographs.
Nasty delicious, let's just say. And I really enjoyed them. But after she died
in a barrel fire,
I felt sort of wrong looking at the photos. It would have been very gross.
Yeah. Felt disrespectful. So I deleted them.
Then enough time passed. Memory faded to legend. And it no longer feels
disrespectful to look at the
photos. In fact, it feels like a way of honoring her memory. And what do you
want me to do? Please
retrieve the photographs that I might resume masturbating. And thereby, in the
Viking tradition,
keep her memory alive. You want me to help you find your dead girlfriend's
photos?
So that you can masturbate? You know, I'd look at it and give my ding-dong a
few batter eggs.
Pow! Bam! Jeez! Okay, how is this a matter of life and death?
Stress is a killer. You try perching on a gargoyle for 12 hours looking for
killer croc in case he
takes surface streets. If you're tense up there, no chance. But if you're
drained,
and I mean drained, the way that only a photo of a naked girlfriend who died in
a barrel fire can drain,
I don't think you're going to be able to be able to do it.
Now you're fighting crime, now you're fighting crime.
They told me you were a psychopath and I did not believe it. I am not helping
you with that.
Then you're fucking fired. You can't fire me. I quit.
You can't Control-Alt-Delete the Justice League. Hell yes, I can.
You understand? I've seen your dating profile too. You're sick.
Before you go, Cyborg, play smooth jazz.
So embarrassed that that worked. Cyborg, stop.
Cyborg, resume. Cyborg, stop. Cyborg, resume volume 10.
Fuck you, Batman. Cyborg, repeat this song.
*music*