Name: BATMAN FIRES THE BATMAN | BAT-CANNED
Uploaded: 2023-10-05T19:00:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'BATMAN FIRES THE BATMAN | BAT-CANNED' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'BATMAN FIRES THE BATMAN | BAT-CANNED' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-05. Transcript available.

so so listen listen stop copying stop copying me stop copying me i am vengeance
i am what
i'm vengeance all right vengeance you're fired what no on your replacement no
you're not i'm gonna
have to cite the case of ain't broke v don't fix seriously i don't even know
why you're here
what's the difference i'm the batman you're batman okay i don't mean to be sean
parker here
but you can drop the the nobody wants to go to the facebook and nobody's afraid
of the batman i don't
want to trigger you but uh you're the dinosaur look at that suit so 2005. okay
what's so great about
your suit how how is this an improvement over this are you kidding me use your
eyeballs cowl goes up
the cowl goes up okay yeah no i i was just praying i hadn't heard you but i did
so you're you have a
a turtleneck so the chilly rain doesn't land on the back of your head i know
you're goofing around
right now but yeah when it's raining pretty hard the cowl up version is better
than the cowl down version
okay keep my neck warm because this is the rainy season man gotham is wet sorry
but what's up with
that voice what this voice yeah this voice rules that voice sucks it rules it
sucks yours drools yours
is too gravelly yours isn't even masked it's just your regular bruce wayne
voice lowered yeah i want
people to lean in so i can pop them right in the mouth you sound like you're
getting winded pulling
the foil off of a single serving yogurt well i actually am plant-based so i don't
eat yogurt so
yeah a lot of berries nuts and actually alfred makes a little mild avocado dip
for me every morning
are you even wearing black eye makeup are you just low iron oh you need to eat
some
fucking meat you're gonna need those calories when you fight hardened criminals
a there are multiple
ways to get protein you don't need to slaughter and take the life of the animal
to get it b i don't do
much fighting what i don't do much fighting i get to the crime scene after it's
happened i poke my nose
around take some notes talk to the cops wait you just walk around like a
regular cop yeah they liked
having me around jesus look man you gotta face it i'm cool i'm edgy okay i'm
kurt cobain yeah because
you're dead to me i think i made my point i'm the winner you're the wiener i'm
about to make my point
august 6th sometimes life hurts but then the wounds scar over and you're then
made me just scars
sorry are you journaling at me scars are like muscles on the outside of your
body
and they make you strong against dicks who don't understand how cool you are my
scars make me so
strong they make me stronger than metal metal wind we deserve better than this
you know what i'll
finish this later fine you okay buddy sometimes that kind of stuff takes a lot
out of me drops my blood
trigger levels yeah i forgot to bring a snack do you have any food okay so
vengeance is asking me if i
have any food yeah you don't have anything here i i do have some crackers rice
or wheat it's wheat i'm
good and free okay okay oh no oh are you okay bruce bruce bruce
i'm cold man i'm cold i'm cold but gluten you can't handle nobody touch me
nobody touch me hey
you do this what is that adrenaline straight from a boss yeah no i don't i don't
inject myself with
bull dick every night before i go out i'm in the bad car just cranking shot
after shot you gotta go
go out i'm in the bad girl man this feels like an na situation you need help
the type of help that
a popped up caller can't give you
you