Name: BATMAN FIRES SUPERMAN | BAT-CANNED
Uploaded: 2023-10-12T19:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'BATMAN FIRES SUPERMAN | BAT-CANNED' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'BATMAN FIRES SUPERMAN | BAT-CANNED' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-12. Transcript available.

New suit?
Yeah.
Real cool.
You clearly don't mean that.
All black.
Cape.
I mean, where do you get these super ideas?
Okay, I didn't steal this from you,
if that's what you're implying.
Why stop there?
Why not try my car,
sleep in my mansion,
get tipsy,
and tongue-kiss my butler?
You just...
I know what I said.
I have things to do.
Let me just cut to the quick, okay?
Okay.
No good company has two CEOs.
I think we need to crystallize
the leadership of the Justice League.
Okay.
The quickest way to do that
is to can your ass.
Can my ass?
Like sardines, bitch.
Okay, here's the thing, Bruce.
If someone should step down,
it should be you.
You're dressed like a bat.
I am a bat.
No, you're not.
You're not a bat.
You're a scared little boy
playing dress-up,
distracting the grown-ups
with actual powers
who are trying to deal
with actual problems.
I help.
Really?
Yes.
Remember when we fought
those parademons?
They were tough,
and I totally took down
one of them.
Oh, please.
The only reason
you knocked out
that parademon
was because I held it down
like a dad
who takes a few cracks
at a pinata
so his son can hit it once,
knock out the candy,
and feel like a big boy.
That's why Alfred
always pre-hits the pinata.
You're useless.
Eat shit, fuckwad!
Good comeback.
Hope starts with an H.
I used up all my best stuff
last time.
It's time you packed up
your stuff and left, Bruce.
Okay, hold on.
Let's walk this back.
Instead of you being fired
or me being fired,
how about
co-leaders?
Musk 1 and Musk 2.
You can own Twitter.
I'll make battery cars.
You sure?
Because it felt like
you brought me in here
to fire me.
Oh, come on.
You don't know me by now?
I was Joshin.
Let's commemorate
our new partnership.
And we'll just have
ourselves a little toast.
What do you say?
Happy to hear it.
Okay.
Cheers.
These wouldn't be
kryptonite cubes,
would they?
Cal, look,
I know you have
trust issues.
Your parents put you
in like a yeast infection pill
and sent you to our planet,
but you can trust me.
This is not kryptonite.
This is green tea
from Asia.
From Asia?
Green tea from Asia.
Where in Asia?
Asia minor.
Well, if it's so good,
you drink first.
I would.
And you're from Krypton,
so you don't know this,
but the custom is that
the guest drinks
the green tea
from Asia first.
Drink first.
So you drink first,
please.
You drink first.
Okay.
All right.
You know,
I am a little thirsty,
so here I go
drinking the normal tea.
I don't want to be offensive,
but it's not good
to my palate.
Yeah,
you're fired, Bruce.
Oh, hold on.
Look, look.
You win.
You're the boss.
But before I go,
I was wondering
if you could help me
with one small thing.
You're so strong.
Could you help me open
this innocent jar of pickles?
What kind of pickles
are those?
I'd say Jewish.
They look like kryptonite.
No, no, no, no.
Those, these are,
these are,
these are,
these are kryptonite
brand pickles.
You know,
when you're trying to lie,
it's best not to call it
basically the exact same word.
No taking,
but one last thing.
Quick question.
You want to put your hand
in this Shrek puppet?
It will not wither you
like an old man.
I'm not going to put my hand
in the glowing green
Shrek puppet, Bruce.
Come on.
It'll be fun.
You can be like,
oh, I'm an ogre,
alive in a swamp.
Hey now,
you rockstar,
get your game on.
Good pain.
Hey now,
you rockstar,
get your game on.
Get laid.
Batman.
Sorry.
I fell in one of my Shrek holes.
The last one lasted
the entire quarantine.
This is getting beyond stupid.
You have the rest of the day
to pack up your stuff
and leave the Hall of Justice.
Hold this rock.
Really?
Just hold this rock?
You're not even trying anymore.
Look at it.
It's rocky
and very holdable.
You could hold it.
You see me.
I'm holding the rock.
Puts an itch in your brain.
Nothing's going to scratch that itch.
Like,
hold it, I rock.
I want you to visualize something
in your mind.
It's you.
To look down in your hand.
There's something in it.
It's this rock.
So fucking sad.
Go play with your gadgets
and your Legos,
you toddler.
What a Farquaad.
What a Farquaad.