Name: BATMAN FIRES JOKER | BAT-CANNED
Uploaded: 2023-10-19T19:00:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'BATMAN FIRES JOKER | BAT-CANNED' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'BATMAN FIRES JOKER | BAT-CANNED' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-19. Transcript available.

-
- So you're fast.
- Oh yeah, real fast.
- Well, if the fate of the world
ever comes down to who can win a 500 yard dash,
I have your number on speed dial.
- Oh, I actually like that.
- Whoopsie daisy.
- Joker.
- Sorry.
Look at us.
I have you and you've got none of your super friends
here to save you because you fired them all.
So looks like it's time to say goodbye.
- Oh wait, maybe there's something you want.
- What?
What do I want?
What do I want?
What do I want?
Uh, let's see.
How about we take off that mask
and review your identity on TikTok?
Or how about I drive your little tank car into a preschool?
- The possibilities are so fun!
-
- You're sick, Joker.
- Oh yeah, I'm sick.
- Yeah, I am sick.
But what else do you expect
from a man who was raised by a narcissistic mother
who let her abusive boyfriend beat her sweet little son?
It's me.
Only for that trauma to manifest
due into a disorder
where he laughs uncontrollably
- That's inappropriate moments.
- Like that.
- Hold on.
What?
- What do you mean, what?
- That's why you laugh?
- It's a medical condition?
- Yes.
- I thought you were just insane and maniacal.
- Yeah, no, it's just a disorder.
The Zoloft helps.
- Zoloft helps?
- Yeah.
But you know what was maniacal?
Those thugs who stole my sign
from my sign-spinning job.
- You were a sign spinner?
- It was a soulless job.
And that turned me into the homicidal maniac
you see sitting before you.
- 'Cause you're from spinning signs.
- Okay, here's what happened.
Okay, so the thugs stole my sign.
- Yeah, okay.
- That you were spinning.
- And then I chased them to get my sign.
- You gotta get that sign.
- And then they beat me up with the sign.
- Okay, was it like a big, heavy metal sign?
- No, it was cardboard.
- They hit you with like a cardboard sign?
- Yeah, but it was a really thick ply.
- Yeah.
- You know, like a moving box, you know what I mean?
- Not like an Amazon box, but really, you know what I mean?
- So you're spinning a thick ply sign
and some riff-raff took it and popped you with it?
And now you have to kill kids and shit?
- Well, the trauma of the whole sign-spinning incident
twisted my guts, traumatized me.
Then I started carrying this gun around, you know,
to protect myself.
And then it went off in the children's hospital.
And then I lost my job as a clown.
And then-
- Hold.
You worked as a clown.
- Well, yeah.
I mean, how else do you think I can do this makeup?
- Yeah, 'cause you could never just freestyle that.
This is a lot for me.
It's like finding out Scarecrow was Scarecrow.
Because he played Scarecrow in a production
of The Wizard of Oz.
Just fuckin' kill me.
- Oh, I'm sorry?
- Fuckin' kill me, shoot for the mouth hole.
- You want me to shoot you?
- Yeah.
- Because the more I learn about you,
the lamber you get.
And I'm getting lame by association.
- It's way cooler than that!
- Was it?
- Yes!
- Let's go, Flop Shoes.
- Okay.
I got one for you.
- Okay.
- You know it's really, really devious.
- Please, something, give me something.
- How about this?
I dated my girlfriend for a whole six months.
And then I found out she was imaginary.
- Isn't that cool?
- I just, I just want to be very well heard on this point.
Eat fuckin' shit.
- Sorry?
- Eat fuckin' shit, you clown car valet.
Nothing was better than this.
Me just falling asleep, wondering why you might be
the way you are, is better than this bullshit
lifetime movie that I'm being forced to sit through.
- You're not taxi driver.
You must love dogs.
- Okay, all right.
How about this?
- Please.
- This is some really twisted stuff.
- I want to believe.
- Here it comes.
Before I was the Joker.
- Yeah.
- All I wanted to do was make people laugh.
- This is good, this is on brand.
- And so I became a standup comedian.
- You heard Open Miker?
- So I did some open mics, and I did some bringer shows,
three drink minimums, that kind of thing.
And then I got on Late Night,
and the host mocked me on the air.
- On national television.
- It sounds like you just bombed.
- Yeah, no, I didn't bomb.
I just, they didn't get how funny I was.
So I shot the host in the face.
- Most comics just, you know, retreat into improv.
- Okay, well, when I didn't kill, I killed.
- Oh God, we deserve better.
Gotham deserves better.
- Puns, come on, kill me, you hack.
- Stop, I'm not a hack.
I am not a hack.
- What, what, what, what?
What is this?
Are you doing the Elaine?
- It's my dance.
It's a physical manifestation of me stepping into my,
stepping into my new life of evil.
- Oh, I didn't know you do interpretive dance.
You, you, you are cool.
- Really?
- No.
What the fuck is this, Bumpidy Boo's vlog?
You're lame.
- Hey, shut up.
We live in a society.
- Oh great, your greatest contribution.
A meme no one gets.
You're gonna die worse
than the Amy Cade Goosepips girl.
- Fuck this, I quit.
- I prefer Jared Leto.