Name: Jonathan Scott | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes
Uploaded: 2023-10-25T14:00:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jonathan Scott | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jonathan Scott | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-25. Transcript available.

Jonathan Scott | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

You made it weird. You made it weird. You made it weird. Oh yeah. You made it
weird. You made it weird. Yes, you did. You made it weird. Oh yeah. You made it
weird. With Pete Holmes. Yes, you did. You made it weird. Oh yeah.
What's happening weirdos? This is a, this is an exciting week for old Petey.
Not only is Jonathan Scott, who you may know from Property Brothers, like the
biggest home renovation TV show in recorded history is on the show. Also, this
is one of those, did we just become best friends episodes, which I love. He's
so engaging. He's so interesting. He's so funny. He's so open. I loved it. You're
going to love it. Thanks for being here.
But it's a big week also because my Netflix special dropped yesterday. So it's
on Netflix. I am not for everyone. It's on Netflix right now. My first Netflix
special. I'm very, very excited. Please, please, please, please check it out. I
hope you like it. I worked really hard on it. I'm proud of it. And I think far
and away it's my best special yet. So please check that out.
And if you'd like to see me on the road, I'm doing a new hour, not the hour
from I am not for everyone that is retired. I'm doing a new hour. I'll be in
Bloomington, Indiana this weekend. And then after that is Chicago and
Washington, DC. All the dates will be added at PeteHolmes.com.
Only a couple things to plug up top. A lot of comments on my hair. It's true.
In the Netflix special, looking good hair. And I got to tell you, like, I'm not
even reading the ad yet. Modern mammals is a game changer when it comes to my
hair routine.
It used to be if I wanted my hair to look good for something, I would not wash
it for at least two days, maybe more, three, four days. And then at one point,
my hairdresser and friend Kat was like, your hair is gross. It looks good, but
it's gross. You need to clean it.
So I was hoping that there would be a non-shampoo, shampoo solution that would
clean your hair, but not make it look like a bale of hay that just came out of
the dryer, unruly, all over the place and brittle. And that's exactly what
Modern Mammals is.
No lie. No joke. I found it on Instagram. I tried it once. I reached out to
them. I was like, we got to partner up. This stuff is a game changer. It's a
non-shampoo shampoo. And over 40,000 guys have switched to this instead of
traditional shampoo. You got to see the reviews for this product. They're
insane, guys. Don't get this excited about anything. It blows my mind.
Once you use it like me, you're hooked for life. There's no other shampoo. You
can't go back. And it's a small punk rock grassroots company. These guys were
just fed up with shampoo, frying their hair and set out to create something
actually new to help men with their hair to look good specifically for guys.
They have bars for the no plastic and the no fragrance version. And they also
have bottles for the more traditional shampoo style. It's like a magic gray mud
that you run into your hair, rinse it out.
It gives you a great feeling. Look, gives you that wave. It gives you that body.
It doesn't dry it out. It makes your hair clean, but look like you didn't wash
it. I mean, that's a miracle. That's a straight up miracle.
I also love the fragrance. I love that it makes my hair every single time.
Perfect. Six seconds a day. Perfect hair. I used it before my special. I use it
before everything I'm going to do for the rest of my, for the remainder of my
days to get J.R.R. Tolkien about it.
ModernMammals.com slash weird, where you can get a special combo and try both
products, the bar and the bottle for 44 bucks. That's ModernMammals.com slash
weird. Support your hair. Get that wave. Support the show. Really love them.
Speaking of Pete Specs that I'm super excited about. First person is an
absolute mind, body game changer. They are helping my life. They're helping Val's
life by helping us naturally produce more oxytocin, the feel good hormone and
dopamine, which is a motivating feel good hormone. Incredible, incredible stuff.
And what is it? When I have to explain first person to somebody in five seconds,
I go, it's mushrooms. It's mushrooms that are specifically targeted to dial
into your body to boost that good mood feeling, energy, mood, sleep.
First person who got you covered. Golden hour is the one I started with. Helps
me tune into a sense of joy, connection and relaxed, relaxed presence.
I love taking it in conjunction with Sunbeam, which maximizes productivity and
creative activities by tuning in to be an inspired, focused mindset by helping
boost your body's natural production, boost that of dopamine.
So you're spiking your dopamine, you're peaking your oxytocin. It's incredible
to find this natural hack, this bio hack. It is incredible. And moonlight, I
take every night to help me stay in sleep, deep restorative sleep by helping
the GABA neurotransmitter to relax the central nervous system, preparing the
brain for body and sleep.
They're meant to be stacked. They're meant to be stacked and I stack them, take
them together, get that motivating feeling and that wellbeing feeling. It's a
hundred percent grain free organic mushrooms.
They're also in really cool containers and they look really cool as well. And
they're highly curated blend of neurosuticals. First person is a game changer.
Start improving your brain health and cognition with first person, get 20% off
your first order by going to getfirstperson.com and use promo code weird,
support your mind, support the show.
First person, first person, first person. There's no going back. It's amazing.
These statements, I have to say, they have not been evaluated by the food and
drug administration. These products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure,
or prevent any disease. Get into it. Getfirstperson.com and use promo code
weird. All right, everybody. Enjoy Jonathan Scott. It's awesome. So glad you're
here. Please check out the special on Netflix. All right, that's it. Get into
it.
Make sure it's on. Checkity check, check. Oh, this, make sure this is on. Make
sure it's on.
I'm the worst. So the one thing they have with me on set is constantly, my
phone will ring and blow a take constantly, like literally every day.
Turn it off. I don't know why. I can't figure it out.
I leave my fly down. Half of my show has been shot with my fly hanging open.
And they're like, why don't you remember? I'm like, I have this weird thing.
When I go to the bathroom, and you touch your junkie parts, I don't like to
touch anything else until I wash my hands.
So I don't do my fly until I wash my hands. Wait, you want your fly to be clear
of balls? I don't know why I do this.
Because fly is a ball safe area. I would think so. You can touch balls to fly.
And also, my balls are also clean. But yeah, money's dirty.
Yeah, it is. Do you wash your hands after you touch money? I've actually been
known to pick my teeth with bills. So, and it makes everyone vomit around me.
You floss with a crisp 50? I'm not going to lie. In my mind, I justify it that
the higher the bill, the fewer people have touched it.
And so, but yeah, I've had like, I don't know how many. Yeah, the one is the
trollop.
Do not put a one anywhere near your mouth. Can you say trollop? The one is, you
know, it's just been all over.
Yeah. It's nasty. One is, it's in vending machines. Yeah. Although that's kind
of its car wash. It gets pressed.
Yeah, I guess it's pressed unlike your shirt. But can you tell us the first
time I've worn a shirt?
I can literally almost smell the cellophane package that you took out. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. But I put it on for you.
I appreciate it. It's hard to be talking to the sexiest man. I think it's the
sexiest man alive.
The sexiest man alive. Not quite. It's a number one sexiest. One of, one,
people's one of 50 sexiest men alive.
50 though, that's, they, they knew what they were doing. They kept that number
alone.
No, the thing that's annoying though is it was a list of 50, yet there were 51
people in the list because they, they qualified Drew and me as one human
between the two of us.
I think that's just honest. I mean, hey, people would gift at Christmas. They
would just give us one gift and expect that we're going to share.
So I get Tuesdays and Thursdays and he gets the other days. I don't know how it's
supposed to work.
That is, you know, we've had, I'm friends with the Sklar brothers and twins and
they have some twin laments and they're all super legitimate.
You know what I mean?
Oh yeah. There's, there's all the stuff that you typically would like, they
joke about the people say to twins, people say to twins all the time.
Like what?
We're like social experiments.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If you get hit, does he feel, so the way, the way to kill that conversation.
I hated it, yeah.
Wait, do you have a twin?
No, no, no, I just hate it on your behalf.
Oh yeah.
And you're tall.
So people are going, you know, all those things.
What's the weather like?
But the greatest way to kill that whole twin shtick that people always say is,
you just go, yeah, it's crazy.
When I orgasm, he feels it.
And then there's a really awkward silence and then people move on.
Would all be trying to be twins.
Get your mind out of the gutter over there.
Katie's loving the twin jizz material.
Old twin jizz.
Classic Katie material over here.
Yeah, that must be annoying.
But it's also like, you know what it is, is when you see a very, very, very,
like I was at the airport and I saw a very, very tall person.
I mean, he had to be like nine feet, like for real, like circus level.
And we're so fascinated.
We're also fascinated with little people.
I'm not trying to be funny.
I'm just saying it's interesting.
It's different.
Twins are the only outlying group that for some reason, and redheads, it's
completely okay to just come up and be like, you have red hair.
Are you a leprechaun or twins?
You can be like, where is the end of the rainbow?
Yeah, exactly.
I'm like, yeah.
So what I've deduced is that people generally are dumb, especially when they're
traveling.
Airports are the worst.
People, they check their brains with their luggage.
Everybody's going to go.
Granted, though, I think the first time we met, I walked up and I did say
something tall, like, I guess we should talk to each other.
Because we're tall.
Yeah.
At the Birbiglia thing?
Yeah.
And then you like shot a look at me like, oh, this fucking guy.
This, I did not.
No, you didn't.
I'd be so sad.
You're literally the friendliest guy in the world.
I know, but so are you.
Have you ever, look, I'm not even trying to put you on the spot, but sometimes
people go like, yeah, I came up to you and I must have been like exhausted or
sick or something.
And I was just sort of like, hello.
You know what I mean?
And I'm like, I'm like deeply disappointed.
The thing is, these days people will go direct on social media and then they'll
just troll you because this person's horrible.
Oh, yeah.
So I have a thing where if I'm talking to somebody, I like, I don't like it
when somebody obnoxious comes over and interrupts because they want to take a
picture.
They want to, I'm in the middle of a conversation with somebody, especially if
you're sitting like in a restaurant in an intimate situation.
I don't like when people just bombard your table.
You have sex in restaurants?
All the time.
Yeah, constantly.
But usually just like the petting kind of stuff.
Heavy petting.
Heavy, heavy petting.
It's hard to do light petting.
At a restaurant.
Light petting leads to heavy petting.
Unless it's linen service on the tables.
If there's like linen service, it's a lot easier.
Well, that's just begging for petting.
Linen service.
You asked for it, restaurants.
Those are bed sheets for a table.
Exactly.
That's what linen service is.
Duh.
Duh.
But don't blacklight those lins.
Anyway, so no, I had one.
I was chatting with this lady and she was like the sweetest woman.
She must have been in her early 90s, something like that.
And she saw me at the ai