Name: Eddie Ifft | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes
Uploaded: 2023-11-01T14:00:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Eddie Ifft | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Eddie Ifft | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-01. Transcript available.

Eddie Ifft | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

You made it weird. You made it weird. You made it weird. Oh, yeah. You made it
weird. You made it weird. Yes, you did. You made it weird. Oh, yeah. You made
it weird. With Pete Holmes. Yes, you did. You made it weird. Oh, yeah.
What's happening, weirdos? This is Eddie Ift. Eddie Ift, who I only really got
to know the past couple months. We ran into each other at the comedy store when
we were in the green room, and I had just the most effortless and hilarious and
fun and interesting conversation with him then, and just really vibed with him,
and then I checked him out, did a deep dive, which you should as well. He's got
lots of comedy albums and specials. Check him out on Spotify. Check out his
podcast, which is called Talking.
Talking's hit, like talking shit. Talking shit. He's wonderful. This is one of
those Did We Just Become Best Friends episodes, and I'm so glad it was effortless,
like a classic. Like a classic, You Made It Weird. So fun. So funny. So
interesting. Let's dive in. Only a couple things to talk about up top. My
special, I Am Not For Everyone, is available now on netflix.com. It's a website
or an app.
The support for that has been tremendous and I'm so proud of it. And I really
hope the weirdos like
it. There's a lot of stuff in there that if you like this podcast, you'll
probably like the special.
I guarantee it. I don't know how you're going to hold me to that guarantee. But
anyway,
I'm also on tour. Go to PeteHolmes.com. I'll be in DC, Brea, California, and I
believe,
what else? They're all on PeteHolmes.com. This episode is brought to us by our
friends at Element,
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All right, everybody. Let's enjoy Eddie Eft. Together, get into it.
Get that microphone and tell everyone how your wife is too good.
Oh, you're just going right now? Are you a sister?
Yeah, but we can edit this out. I always, uh, I say this.
Do you want this? No, I don't care.
You want to edit it out when I plug your wife's Laguna Beach textile?
No, I can say anything about her. My life is so transparent. Um, I'm an open
book.
Did you realize that the show transparent was trans-parent?
No. Trans-parent. It's like when you realize the Beatles is B-E-A-T. It's like
a joke on the beat. And transparent was a trans-parent.
Oh, did you know that? I didn't know that.
You're almost, it's almost like, no, like, you know what I mean? It's like too
perfect.
Too easy. Too easy.
Do you know about the Mandela effect?
Tell me.
The Mandela effect.
Oh, is this simulation theory that Mandela died in the, in prison?
Yes, but there's so many of them. Have you ever gone over them all like-
Magic mirror on the wall?
Berenstein bears?
Yeah, I don't, I'll tell you, I love this. Thank you for the, and he brought a
gift.
Let that, let that be known.
Yes.
For the rest of the future.
Oh, sorry. Your gifts are over there. This is modern real and this is magic
mind if you want to drink it. It's really great.
Is this the stuff, the mushroom stuff?
Uh, no, that is not, the first person over there, that's mushrooms. Anyway, let's,
let's talk about simulation theory.
Simulation.
Cause that's all for you. Um, and thank you for this.
Um, I don't buy the Berenstain bears, Berenstein bears. You know what I mean?
I always thought it was the Berenstein bears.
I, of course it was the Berenstein bears and I, I know it's spelled stain, but
like it's also pirates of the Caribbean.
I would have known.
You know what I'm saying? Like we just agreed.
I would have caught Berenstain.
You think?
As a kid.
Yeah, stain. That word. You're looking for every bad word.
Oh, stain.
Oh, stain.
And you would turn words into bad words.
You think it was, how do you even spell steam? I think you're just going like,
I guess that's pronounced steam.
The one that, the one that got us.
And speaking of, do you see turd in Saturday? Because if you're not seeing turd
in Saturday, simulation theory just went out the window.
I didn't see turd in Saturday.
T-U-R-D. So there you go, pal.
How about this one? Did you know, um, Queen, the end of the song, we are the
champions.
Yeah.
We are the champions.
Champions.
We are the champions.
No time for good. There's no time for losing.
My friend.
It's not my friend.
Yeah.
It is my friend.
There is no my friend.
Shut up.
I swear to God.
We are the champions.
We are the champions.
My friend.
My friend.
There's no my friend at the end.
Not at the end, but in the middle.
In the middle there is, but not at the end.
And everybody sings it.
My friend, but it's not there.
But because it's in the middle.
That's what I think.
I'm all here.
I'm here for this.
No, I'm not.
I'm against it.
You are?
I'm against it.
And I think that's why.
I think you've heard it so many times that you just keep saying it.
And misinformation like, well, mirror mirror on the wall.
That's the other.
Which one's that?
So for people that don't understand what we're talking about, these are like,
what would
you call them?
Mass agreed mistakes.
Yes.
Like large groups of people believe something wrong.
Right.
And people are like, well, that's because they're not wrong.
It's kind of funny when you say it like this.
It's because we live in a simulation and there was a glitch.
But like, it's a really fun feeling like a stomach droppy.
Sure.
The world is magic kind of feeling.
I want the world to be magic.
When you catch one.
I want all these things to happen.
I want every conspiracy theory to turn out to be right.
Oh, sure.
But I know they're not.
I was just in Utah and my opener was like, God, I hope you're right.
Like to be.
Look, I am.
I might not be correct, but this was how the the Latter-day Saint Mormon
afterlife was explained
to me.
You get your own planet and your spirit wife and you populate it with spirit
babies.
And that's kind of what God did here.
You get to be a God, but you do it by having celestial sex.
And I was like, I hope you're right.
I hope you are blowing space loads.
And I was like, and Mormons don't have hell.
If you don't believe, you just become one of their servants.
And I was like, I'll happily bring you a Monte Cristo in between space loads.
Are you kidding me?
I would love that.
And I'd be so happy.
I'd be like, this is a great job.
I bring snacks to this orgy God.
But my problem with that is that John Smith, Joseph, or Joseph Smith just came
up with this.
This was, there was, there wasn't a lot of input from other people.
I'm with you.
And look, I don't happen to believe that the story is true, but you're not
wearing magical underpants.
I am, but it's a, it's a G string with a vibrator on my butthole.
And I'm, that's the only way I can not come.
The problem is I'm actually always coming.
I don't know if you know this about me.
Like I'm always just jizzing.
I'm wearing, I'm wearing a garbage bag.
Could you imagine if that was your thing?
Like I have to stop myself from jizzing.
It's just like, I, I've had to learn kegel exercises to stop from jizzing.
Yeah.
I'm in a constant orgasmic state.
Some people are too sensey, right?
Well, that's why you keep the foreskin.
The foreskin helps you have sex longer.
Yeah.
No less.
If you have foreskin, you're more sensitive.
If you have.
It's covered and protected all the time.
And then when it comes out to play.
Ba-do!
Yeah.
Cause I was just gonna say, what is the evolutionary benefit of having sex
longer?
There's absolutely no benefit.
No.
In fact, having sex quickly would be rewarded evolutionarily.
Sure.
Because, so I, I live outside of the city and people sometimes are mauled by
wolves and stuff.
And it's always when they're peeing.
It's like a biker will pull off to the side of the road and take a leak.
And the, and animals know, you know how your dog wants you to watch it while it
poops?
You know, everybody seems to have that joke that the dog like looks at you.
He's saying, watch me because I'm vulnerable.
Cause I'm shaking and I'm squatting and I'm vulnerable.
You just made me feel like such a hack because I do have that joke.
And I was like, not a hack.
Not a hack.
But it was one of those ones.
I was like, no one has this joke.
You know, when you think no one has it.
Let me put it this way.
And then everyone has it.
No, I don't know.
I think I've said it before, but I don't think it's a hack.
I have the joke because my father-in-law.
Hack judge.
We need to have a hack judge.
My father-in-law pooped in a neighbor's lawn.
Just pulled down his pants and pooped in a neighbor's lawn.
Why?
For revenge or he really had to go?
He had to go really badly.
And he just dropped his drawer.
Which means it was kind of loose, probably.
It wasn't.
Nobody really needs to let out a perfect poop.
Yeah, it was that.
But he did the look.
The dog look.
The look at you.
Real quick, you just go, it was that.
You acknowledge, it wasn't.
It was a bag of Skittles.
It was.
But I mean.
He watched you to watch him.
But we had to lock eyes.
There was this moment 