Name: Malik Elassal | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes
Uploaded: 2023-11-29T15:01:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Malik Elassal | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Malik Elassal | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-29. Transcript available.

Malik Elassal | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

You made it weird, you made it weird, you made it weird, oh yeah. You made it
weird, you made it weird, yes you did, you made it weird, yeah. You made it
weird, with Pete Holmes. Yes you did, you made it weird, yeah.
What's happening weirdos? This is Malik Elisal, who I recorded with several
months ago, but I've been working with. He's been opening for me from time to
time. I met him in Montreal and I was blown away. He is so funny. You may not
know who he is, but you will. And this is you finding out about him. In fact,
right up top here, I want to play a clip. I believe this is from The Moth.
This is a clip of Malik being super, super hilarious, so you can have a little
taste of who he is and how great he is before we get into our conversation. So,
Katie, roll that clip.
I am looking for peace of mind, man. I've been going to a therapist for four
years. I think it's a scam. At least I don't have a good therapist. Because I
didn't get referred by a doctor. I just went online. I just Googled help.
Please, please help.
And then it took me to a website. And on the website, it was like, write out a
list of your problems so we can use that to, like, match you up. And I was like,
all right. And I selected anxiety because that's what I was, that's what I was
having.
And then it was like, write out the anxiety. Explain what that feels like so
that we can use that to better match you up to somebody.
And I was like, it's anxiety. It's not going to make sense. I was like, okay. I'm
not as good of a Muslim as I was raised to be.
But I still feel like a good person, you know? And it's, I feel conflicted
because in school, they taught us that everything is written before we're even
born.
Like, all my decisions are made for me. So it's like, am I just doomed to make
these mistakes that God wrote for me?
Like, what if Allah judges me unfairly? And then I submitted that.
And then they were like, you should talk to Helen about this. Helen, Helen's
good for shit like this.
She's, she's on top of it. Trust me. And I was like, Helen, are you even
listening to me? What is, what is Helen going to do?
You couldn't have brought me like a Dr. Mahmoud El Shabazz, somebody to just
tell me to pray?
Brother, your life is haram. Of course you feel terrible.
At least he understands.
I'm going to be in a meeting with Helen. She's going to be like, tell me more
about this Allah character.
He sounds toxic. I mean, why would you hang out with a guy like that?
Who is he to judge you? And I'm like, well, he's actually, he's the only one
who can, so.
I mean, he's the best. He's great. We've been sitting on this one for a while.
I'm glad it's finally out there. He's so funny. So interesting. I'm glad you
guys are here.
A couple of things to mention up top. We moved our YouTube channel.
So if you like watching this podcast on youtube.com, we decided to kind of
clean things up,
make Pete Holmes on YouTube, kind of the sketch standup channel.
And now you made it weird when that's the name of the channel.
You made it weird will be its own standalone podcast channel.
Kind of keep things clean. Do me a favor.
Do me a favor. Would you do me a favor?
Just subscribe, just subscribe, like subscribe, all that stuff.
So we can start building that channel and help people find the show, discover
the show,
but also keep that sweet, sweet show flowing into your sweet, sweet feed.
So go on YouTube and find the channel. You made it weird and like, and
subscribe and all that stuff.
People are always saying, but that's exciting. So check that out.
What else? Please watch my special. It's called, I am not for everyone.
It's on Netflix. I worked really hard on it. Hope you like it.
And also try a Pete's pick. It's, it's the, it's the giving season.
It's the giving season. So why not give your favorite weirdo some Pete's picks
and what better
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Sometimes you just want to get into that dual state of up and relaxed. It's the
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is a magical elixir. It gets you dialed in, not wired. Total game changer. As
you guys know,
I discovered it and then reached out to them to work together. So this is not
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We have a wonderful offer for weirdos at Magic Mind. Go to magicmind.co/weird
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Magic Mind.co/weird and use promo code WEIRD at checkout. All right, everybody.
Be sure to
subscribe on YouTube to the new You Made It Weird channel. And in the meantime,
enjoy my friend,
Malik Elisal. Get into it.
I really like what, it's kind of sad. Ever have someone complimenting and you
get sad because it's
so meek. Oh, look at how nice. It's like, are you about to cry? It's so nice.
It was a garage,
you know? I think Louie. Oh God. Oh my God. Redo the whole thing. She doesn't
want me talking about
redo the walking. Scandalized comedian Louie CK. But Louie did have a bit where
it's like somebody's
so happy for you. It sounds like they're in pain. They're like, oh my God. It's
very funny. What
is this here? That's for you. That's what, is this the magic mind? That's your
magic mind? Do I just
chug this? What do I do with it? Shake it first. I'm going to chug it. You don't
have to shake
it in the jerk off motion. There you go. There's only one way to shake things.
That's true. That's true.
But you don't have to make the face. When I was a kid, I was like, you know
what had to be the best
part of being a, well, no, I can't say that on the back of mentioning Louie.
But I was just like,
what was the masturbation policy for cavemen? Like, were they ashamed of it? I'm
just saying,
we're cavemen. We're cavemen. Pre society. If I feel it right now. Yeah. We're
hunting.
You're a little tense and you jerk it. Is it like blowing your nose? This is
real. This is a real
question. I don't know. I'm taking it as real. I'm not joking at all. But I,
when I was young,
I was so obsessed with masturbation. I was like, it must've been great to be a
caveman because before
like the church or anything, maybe it was just like waving. Hello. Just, you
just do it. I think
probably you were just always a little bit playing with it. I don't even know
if it, I don't even know
if it was, I feel like it's probably like our snap, like our society that we
make it ritualistic now.
Because we need to, because we need to go away from people. But before we
probably just were like,
just constantly always touching a little bit. Just a little, just a little,
couple jacks here.
And what about taking a shit? Like if we're cavemen. You had stuff coming out
of every,
every hole at all times. Give it a chug, little bit of grapefruit flavor, magic
mind.
Whoa. Delicious. I'm glad you drank it. The episodes are better when people
drink it.
I wanted to drink it. No, you mentioned it, that at Largo, you stop being so
neat.
You can just throw it away. I want it to look nice. I want this whole thing.
Keep it. It looks so nice in here. It looks great in here.
Now I'm realizing this. I'm like, is this voice antisemitic? Cause that's a
very old joke.
You're so far away. I'm trying to make sure. Is he in the camera?
I'm just trying to think feng shui style. What it looks.
I'm just trying to find my. You be you. Boston university, man. Be you.
I just want to make sure the camera's getting you. You're okay. Yeah.
You're so, is this voice not okay anymore? I do. I do an old Jew all the time.
Old Jew voice is one old Jew voice. An old Jewish voice. Don't say old Jew
voice.
Old Jew voice. Old Jew voice over there.
Rapper. Like old dirty bastard. Old Jew voice. Yeah. He was the guy.
Yeah. The Wu-Tang Clan was like, next, next time you can do it.
I'm gonna freestyle. Let me in there.
There's a freebie. Your hat's too big.
I'm going to walk away from this area as, as you're a Muslim and I'm not Jewish.
We're walking away from this riff. We're walking away. Yeah.
Right away. Hands up. So happy to see.
Did you just say God is great? God is great. Okay. Subtitles on.
I'm here to translate. You got it. There's not a lot I can translate.
God is great, but it's on, I think it directly translates to God is big.
Really?
God is bigger. God is greater. Yeah.
Well, my daughter's five and sometimes I'll say like, um, great meaning large.
And she just does, that's like a big loop to throw her on.
Oh, I see.
Because she's new to the language and she's like, I forget what the example was,
but I was like, and that's great. And she's like, it's not great.
Cause it wasn't good. It was something bad.
That was like a great big evil or something.
Oh, she's like, I don't know.
I'm talking to my daughters about big evils.
There's a lot to be afraid of. Have a great day.
It's a crazy place.
Was there anything else like that?