Name: OUTTAKES | BATMAN FIRES THE BATMAN | BAT-CANNED
Uploaded: 2023-12-01T20:00:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'OUTTAKES | BATMAN FIRES THE BATMAN | BAT-CANNED' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'OUTTAKES | BATMAN FIRES THE BATMAN | BAT-CANNED' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-01. Transcript available.

What was that?
This?
This?
This is drowning.
And then you say, "Trust me."
I'm the Batman.
You're Batman.
Okay.
That's like, "This is the cake, this is cake."
Either way, happy birthday, little Susie Q.
Yeah, I bet you want the cake.
No, I want cake.
Fewer words, less time, before that cake's in my mouth.
Bro, bro, bro, you're messing this whole thing up.
Okay.
You want cake, or you want the cake?
You're fucking fired.
What?
No, on your replacement.
Yeah, it's kind of like, uh, you know, when the coach sends a new guy in to
relieve the pitcher.
A relieve pitcher?
To be honest, I'm kind of lost with all the sports references.
I kind of threw one out there, not knowing you'd take it any further.
But, truth be told...
Oh, crap, now I keep forgetting what it is.
That's right, truth be told, huh?
I don't know, I don't follow baseball.
I actually think it's barbaric and it promotes toxic masculinity.
Okay.
Well, I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings.
But I'm Nolan fucking Ryan, and I'm waving you back to the bench.
I told you, I don't follow sports.
Look at that suit.
So 2005.
Hello?
Is this 2005?
It's for you.
Yes?
We want our suit back.
Okay.
I'm glad you're here.
Cause you're the only one that would think this is still a sick bird.
That's not a real hand slide.
Gotham deserves so much better than this.
I...
Those curtains are see-through, numbnuts.
Nuh-uh.
Nuh-uh.
Yuh-uh.
Nuh-uh.
I can see your arm.
It's creeping out.
What about now?
Yeah, you look like the shroud of Turin.
Not many options in here, okay?
You go to the crime scene?
Aren't the police there?
Yeah, they've done their work.
God...
Goddamn those boys in blue.
Sorry.
I just figured it out.
You show up after the crime has been committed.
You don't fight and you don't solve shit.
You're not the Batman.
You're the Robin.
Take that back.
Robin.
No.
Trapeze boy.
I'm not a bat.
I'm the bat.
Do you want an Advil?
I don't need Advil.
I thrive on pain.
Oh, it's pretty cool.
Yeah, thanks.
Okay, what up?
What are you doing?
I'm taking pictures of you with my contact lens cameras.
Oh, great.
Are they prescription?
Actually, yes.
Take one of these.
Print it up.
Poster size.
So you never forget.
Two can play at that game.
Alright.
I got another one.
With your name on it.
This is...
You know, the cure for crime shouldn't look like the lead singer from The Cure.
Just my taste.
We're basically the same looking.
You're so mopey.
I just feel like you might be more comfortable in the suicide squad.
That's actually really insensitive. I get put on suicide watch a lot.
Too dark?
Good.
I got it.