Name: OUTTAKES - BATMAN FIRES SUPERMAN | BAT-CANNED
Uploaded: 2023-12-07T20:00:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'OUTTAKES - BATMAN FIRES SUPERMAN | BAT-CANNED' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'OUTTAKES - BATMAN FIRES SUPERMAN | BAT-CANNED' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-07. Transcript available.

Batman Superman, Big One, B-Mark.
You look like a Russian figure skater.
Okay?
Yeah.
Am I back in the game?
I can't even.
I think it's time you packed up your stuff.
Oh, I know the line.
I'm trying to get my shit together because he's making me laugh.
Sorry.
C-Mark.
Okay, I didn't steal this from you.
If that's what you're implying.
No, you didn't steal it.
Why stop there?
Why not sleep in my mansion?
Drive my car?
Occasionally get drunk on brandy and tongue kicks?
Ah, fuck.
Six, eight.
You want to fire the super strong, super fast, bulletproof man who can fly, see
through walls,
and shoot lasers from his eyes.
Oh, you forgot your cool, icy breath.
Uh-oh.
Clark had original Mentos for lunch, and he's about to exhale on a villain.
Chilly breath.
You fucking suck.
You make sense in 1950, and no other time.
Back when everyone had polio.
They were like, imagine a man who could do it all.
It gives us hope during whatever the fuck war was happening.
I am a bat.
You're a scared little boy, playing dress-up, distracting the grown-ups with
actual powers
who are dealing with actual problems.
I have actual problems.
Really?
Yeah.
99 of them, and a super bitch is about to not be one of them.
Feels problematic.
Okay, that's, yeah.
It's a wonder I haven't been canceled.
Do the B mark.
It's green tea from Asia.
Not the band.
The continent.
Where in Asia?
Asia Minor.
Oh, I had no idea.
Yeah, it's just the black keys.
It's Asia, but the black keys.
Not the band.
Ooh, Petey's falling into a riff hole.
One last thing, though.
Do you want to put your head in this Shrek doll?
Stop it.
Fuck my face.
You could be like, I'm a donkey.
Oh, I'm an ogre.
I live in a swamp.
And back when CGI wasn't very good,
I was quite impressive.
Remember when Mike Myers ruled the fucking world?
I do.
Those were the glory days.
Do you want to?
Fist this ogre?
But then they're like,
Batman!
Somebody once told me that
This is getting...
Ever during All-Star.
C mark.
You have the rest of the day to pack up your stuff
and leave the Hall of Justice.
Okay.
First, hold this rock.
Really?
Just hold this rock?
You're not even trying anymore.
That's how stupid I think you are.
I thought there was a 9 out of 10 chance
you'd hold this
and start shriveling like the Nazi
at the end of Last Crusade.
You have chosen for this.
One more time.
One more time.
Just hold this rock.
You're not even trying anymore.
It's rocky
and very holdable.
Now you hold it.
Well, I'm on.
Put your hand...
Oh, I got it.
I bet you can't hold this rock.
Give me two seconds.
I've been keeping it together.
It's so long.
I'm holding the rock.
Puts an itch in your brain.
Nothing's gonna scratch that itch.
Like old deadly rock.
Fuck.
Oh, damn it.
You look down in your hand.
There's something in it.
It's this rock.
Man.
Hold this rock.
All right.
Give it to me.
Really?
No, you fucking toddler.
Get the fuck out of here.
Go.
Go play with your gadgets
and your Legos.
Suck my dick!
He has super hearing,
so he totally earned that.
What a farquad, huh?
Yeah.
What a farquad.
Give me some of that Asian tea.
You get it.
Oh, God!
That's fucking rancid.
And I brush my teeth with more than me.
It's my favorite movie.
Oh, God.
All right.
I think that.
God.
Thank you.