Name: Anjelah Johnson-Reyes | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes
Uploaded: 2024-02-28T15:00:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Anjelah Johnson-Reyes | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Anjelah Johnson-Reyes | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-28. Transcript available.

Anjelah Johnson-Reyes | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

You made it weird, yes you did, you made it weird, yeah. You made it weird,
with Pete Holmes.
Yes you did, you made it weird, yeah. What's happening weirdos? This is Angela
Johnson Reyes.
Why'd I, I rolled the R. I didn't expect that. Angela Johnson is here. It is a
absolute did we
just become best friends kind of episode. I'm so happy you're here. It is so
fun. She's so
engaging, so funny, so interesting, and we had a lot, a lot of fun together. So
thank you for
checking it out. Check out her special, Angela Johnson Reyes. It is called Say
I Won't. Sorry I
just had to look that up, but I watched it. It's incredible. She's so funny.
The full special is
available on YouTube right now. It's called Say I Won't. Definitely check that
out and come see me
on the road. All my tickets are on PeteHolmes.com. I'm going to be in LA on May
the 4th.
Doing the Netflix is a joke fest. Please come out to that. Tickets at PeteHolmes.com.
And
also we sold out Chicago, so I think we're going to add another date to that as
well, in case
you missed it. And then what's the last thing? Oh, Largo. Once a month we're
doing our Largo
show, which is always the highlight of my month for sure. Go to Largo-LA.com if
you want to see me
in the LA area. All right, everybody. This is such a fun episode. I'm so glad
you're here.
Angela Johnson, get into it. Hi. Hi. Have we met? That's the thing is, I don't,
oh, this is nice and
cool. Yeah. It's like a stethoscope. It was a stressful parking job. I thought
you did a great
job. And your car makes this sound. Yeah. All the modern cars sound like that.
So you're parking and
I heard you before I saw you. And it's supposed to be opposite. You're supposed
to not hear me is the
funny part. Yeah. That was the Prius premise that we all had. We all had the,
you can't hear a Prius
joke. Yeah. Do you remember that? No. Yeah. But I did not have one, but yes.
But neither did I.
Okay. But a million people did, which is like, you're going to kill somebody.
And now all cars are,
well, it seems like most cars are electric these days. To answer your question,
I don't know if we've met.
Okay. Good. I was going to say nice to meet you, but you said nice to see you.
So
And you know who taught me that? Dave Rath. Really? Dave Rath taught me that.
In the very
beginning of my career, he's like, never say nice to meet you. Always say good
to see you.
You know what? Yes. Go ahead. Don't let me interrupt. Because if you've already
met them,
you say nice to meet you, then it's offensive. Like, oh, they don't remember me.
Yeah.
But no matter what, if you've met them or not, it's always nice to see somebody.
See, this trick has gone, it's starting to eat itself. Because now when you
said nice to see you,
I'm like, I know what you're doing and I don't like it. And I would prefer you
risk. And I'm talking
to myself, not really you. I like the Pete who risks it, who says nice to meet
you. We've met.
Well, tell me where we met. Because I don't remember. And I'd like a little
help. And that's okay.
Okay. So what about if you know that you, one of your like, not nervous tics,
but something happens
where I always forget a name and then it's like, everybody goes blank and then
we're like, oh,
we've met. And then you tell me where I go, oh yeah, I'm so sorry. But I've
done it multiple times
and that's offensive. But is it? Okay. And if we're offending these people, do
we need them in our
life? So here's the thing. One time a lady did, one time a lady did this to me,
it was like a work
thing. Like I was filming something. I don't remember what. And I said, nice to
meet you.
I didn't follow the Dave Roth rule. And I said, nice to meet you. And she goes,
we've met three
times. And I go, well, this person needs to be removed from the planet. Sorry.
Don't they know?
Look, I'm not talking about public people, people that perform. I'm just
talking about everybody
deserves a chance. And if you're like, we've met, like what, what is gained
from this? It's like,
I would prefer, we've met actually a couple of times, but not like we've met.
Like, fuck off.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I think I'm going to stick with that. Good to see you. I'm
going to stick with
that. Well, just know that people like me are smart or we're wise to it. And I
don't like it.
I immediately go like, you know who taught me that name drop was Conan O'Brien.
And he does it to
everybody. But it's what a lonely, yeah, shots fired. What a lonely way to live.
Just going around.
He doesn't know if he's met them. They don't know if he remembers meeting them.
Do you think we've met? Like, do you? No, that's my point.
What were you thinking? Have we met? Or were you like, I've never met this girl?
I'll tell you everything that I was thinking. Okay. I'm going to say, I'm
pretty sure this is when
we're meeting. Just then in the driveway. Yeah. Because I wasn't sure I was
going to say,
I can't remember if we've met, which is, you know, that's the king of beards
right there.
Sure, sure, sure. It's not even nice to meet you. I'm just going like,
I'm being fully honest. Let's jump to the part where I'm admitting, I don't
know if we've met,
but I'm saying right now, talking to you, I don't think we've ever met.
Yeah. And then you said, I don't think we've ever met.
Yeah. So I think it's confirmed.
Look at that. We're on the same page.
We've never met.
We took different routes to get here, but we're on the same page.
You were very vulnerable and honest. And I was like, let me just lie and just
put on a mask.
No. To speak out the other side of my face, I like that boundary for you.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Life is hard. It's complicated. You just had a baby.
Yeah.
How old is your baby?
She'll be eight months this week.
No way.
It's wild.
You look great.
Thank you.
I can't believe you don't look haggard. Like you just crawled army style out of
a swamp.
So well done.
Thank you.
What are you doing? Like, how are you managing to sleep or are you? Eight
months? This is right
in the, you know.
I've hired help.
You hired help.
Mm-hmm.
What do you mean? A night nurse?
We had a night nurse in the beginning.
Can I tell you real quick?
Yeah.
Is there anything worse than wet nurse? I don't like that term.
Yeah, I don't use that term.
We have a wet nurse.
Yeah, that's weird.
I don't need to know that. Nice to see you. And then I walk away.
Well, I don't even, a wet nurse is a woman who's lactating?
Who breastfeeds your baby?
I don't know. I don't know what's a wet nurse.
I look to Danielle. Yeah.
Other, someone else will feed your baby?
You can hire a woman who, I think through the power of Satan, maintains lactation
year-round.
Wow.
No, I think if you never stop lactating, like if you just go from baby to baby
to baby,
maybe you just keep lactating?
I don't know. I didn't know that was a thing.
Here comes a straight man to explain wet nursery to people.
You know, it is a thing, but I don't know about that.
I don't want to put down wet nursing.
No, I think it's fantastic.
Like if you want your baby to have breast milk and you can't give it to him,
and this lady
will, sure.
You don't feel, yeah.
I'm saying I feel a little weird, like is my baby going to be like, this is my
mom now?
Is that weird?
I don't know, although I did have a dream one time.
It's a lot of information in that breast milk.
Yeah.
And they're like, Karen, and now they love Karen.
Yeah.
You know those cubs they reintroduce to someone that saved them 30 years ago?
That's what I think is going to happen with the baby.
It's like all the, what information is the baby getting from breast milk?
Kind of like when a dog sniffs a booty, I always was curious, like what exactly
are they
learning when they sniff the booty?
And I Googled it.
Yeah.
And they learn if it's a boy or a girl, the temperament, like their personality,
like
do they like this dog or not?
Fear hormones, probably some sex stuff.
Yeah, they smell and then they'd be like, ooh, and then you see sometimes dogs
will walk
away from each other.
Yes.
And sometimes they just stay and play.
They walk away because they're like, I don't like your vibes.
How are you with your husband's smell?
Do you like his smell?
I hope so.
Yes, except for his cologne.
He sprays like 40 sprays of cologne day and night.
Can we talk about this?
Yeah.
Can we stop this today?
He's Puerto Rican.
It's a thing.
Now it's culturally insensitive.
If this was a white guy, I'd be kicking all the doors in.
I'd be roasting him in real time.
Get him.
He's out, Puerto Rican.
No, I'll do it.
I'll roast him.
Que bueno.
Que bueno.
Perfecto.
I'm trying to think of it.
Just night and day.
He has a gym cologne.
He has a going out cologne.
He has a going to bed cologne.
Yeah.
It's too much.
I just can't handle this.
It's too much.
And I've said so many times.
I'm like, he has a night cologne.
Yeah.
He has a bed cologne.
Yeah.
So when do you get to smell him?
Doesn't he like the way, this is very personal.
I'll put it to me.
Yeah.
I like the way my wife smells.
Yeah.
That's a huge thing.
Yeah.
I've said this a million times, but they did this blind study where they had
people sleep
in a t-shirt for three nights and not wash it, put it in a Ziploc bag.
Yeah.
It's called smell dating.
And you'd see, you'd smell different shirts and be like, I like this one.
You'd go on a date with them.
The success rate was through the roof.
No.
Through the roof.
I love this.
So the way my wife smells and the way my daughter smells, obviously, sometimes
after a woman
has a baby, the way their husband smells becomes repugnant to them.
They change.
Your biochemistry changes so crazy as you have a baby.
As you know, it's like this rebirth.
Sometimes you hate the way your husband smells, but you wouldn't even know
because your husband
smells like seven different things.
Yeah.
All the time.
He smells.
No offense to the Puerto Rican community.
I'm not getting canceled for saying I don't like cologne.
Cologne?
Please get him on the, get him on the ca-phone because I want to talk about
this motherfucker
juice.
No, I don't.
Oh my God.
He does want to talk to you though, but we'll talk about it.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh my God.
He loves you.
Big time.
Tell me about his smell.
Tell me about, what were you about to say?
You like his smell, but you never really get to smell it.
Do you miss it?
Is it always veiled behind thick curtains?
No, I do.
I do enjoy smell.
And then I've come to enjoy some of his colognes.
Some of his several colognes are okay with you.
Some of them.
Some of them.
How do you like his gym cologne?
We call them approved and not approved colognes because if I get headaches from
cologne.
Of course you do because it's fucking nasty shit.
So he'll wear a cologne.
I'll be like, oh, what are you wearing?
And he'll go, it's from the approved list.
Yeah, it was on the approved list.
Yeah.
I'm like, well, you did 80 sprays.
So it's now not approved.
It's only approved at three sprays or less.
We went to a party yesterday, a Super Bowl thing.
And we went, I don't even remember seeing a TV on, to be honest.
But we went and there was a woman and we hugged her.
And then we smelled like her fucking perfume.
And my wife was like, I have a headache.
I hate that.
Because I got a contact perfume.
Yeah.
And I'm like, it's an assault.
Yep.
I hate it.
Where's the government?
It's like anthrax in the mail on your body.
And I don't like it.
So you don't like it.
But you're dating it.
You're married to it.
Does the baby wear cologne?
She smells like a Puerto Rican man.
She smells like a Puerto Rican man.
You got a little Puerto Rican man, baby.
Because every time he holds her, she then smells like him.
And I'm like, babe, that is not fair.
And he goes, she loves it.
I go, she can't even communicate that she's dying inside because of your cologne.
She's crying, but it's just watering.
Yeah.
It's just a watering from a very strong aroma.
He's like, she has allergies.
I'm like, no, it's you.
What?
Did his father wear cologne?
Whe