Name: Fortune Feimster & Mae Martin | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes
Uploaded: 2024-03-27T15:00:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fortune Feimster & Mae Martin | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fortune Feimster & Mae Martin | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-27. Transcript available.

Fortune Feimster & Mae Martin | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

You made it weird, yes you did, you made it weird, yeah.
You made it weird, with Pete Holmes.
Yes you did, you made it weird, yeah.
What's happening weirdos?
This is, you know, two-thirds, two-thirds of the Handsome podcast.
It was supposed to be three-thirds.
We get into it.
But Tig, Tig Notaro had a mix-up, and we discussed it in the episode.
I should mention that Tig's special, her new wonderful special, is out now.
It's called Hello Again.
It's on Netflix.
So even though she blew it and didn't make it to the recording, of course, we're
still
going to plug her special.
Check it out now, Hello Again, on Netflix.
And check out the Handsome pod, which is my wife Valerie's favorite podcast.
I absolutely love it as well.
It's Mae Martin, Fortune Feimster, and Tig Notaro.
And we have Mae and Fortune here together.
And it's a giggle fest.
It's silly time.
And it's wonderful.
And I'm so glad you're here.
Only a couple things for me to plug up top.
Go to PeteHolmes.com for tickets to all my tour dates right now.
I want to highlight May the 4th.
I'm doing the Netflix is a fest joke here in Los Angeles on May the 4th, Star
Wars Day.
And also check out my special on Netflix, which is called I Am Not For
Everybody.
And I have a monthly Largo show.
Largo-LA.com.
Largo is a theater in LA.
We just did one last night.
Beck was there.
It's always awesome.
I always do a nice, long set.
And we always have special guests.
Adam Sandler's been there recently.
Sarah Silverman.
Zach Galifianakis.
Last night was back.
So always, if you can, join us in LA.
It's always wonderful to have weirdos in the audience.
Or go to PeteHolmes.com.
I'm coming to Florida.
I'm coming all over the place.
That sounds weird.
But you know what I mean.
I'm visiting all over the country.
Still sounded weird.
All right.
Enjoy this episode.
May Martin, Fortune Feimster.
And in absentia, Tig Notaro.
Get into it.
They're kind of wide.
Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
They're like hipster, kind of.
But aren't you hip?
Can we separate hip and hipster like you're hip?
Thanks.
Right?
I feel like normcore.
I want to be like James Dean in a skinny jean.
Or like a slim.
Oh, that's funny.
Because I'm wearing, look at these pantaloons.
And I feel like they're too skinny.
Oh, really?
No, I love those.
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God.
You just saved these pants.
Were they going in the garbage?
No, I wear them all the time.
But I always feel a little weird putting them on.
Because Val.
Have we started?
We've started.
Sorry, I'm not Tom Papa.
I'm Papa rattling off the call sign.
Our producer, Thomas, who works with Tig.
That's who I was thinking.
I texted Tig and said, if you get here, just walk on back.
Oh, great.
Walk on back.
Oh, no.
Another one.
Oh, either you're going walk on back.
Oh, my God.
You guys, that's a very fortunate.
I love to break out in a song.
There's a lot of singing when fortunes are out.
On our handsome pod.
Look at that.
Oh, my God.
Little cowboy.
That's really good on you.
That's what Val said.
I was like, this hat doesn't even fit on my head.
It sits upon my head.
It's supposed to be one size fits all, but.
Yeah, that's not correct.
There's a certain.
There are certain outliers to the one size fits all.
But I think it fits okay.
I just wouldn't trust wind.
A convertible is out of the picture.
I'd never trust wind anyway.
What's it up to?
Well.
What are these?
What air is moving?
Why is air moving?
Yeah.
Why is it?
Fortune.
Fortune.
Get in on this riff.
You know that I don't know.
Get in on this hot riff.
Why is air moving?
Mays go with facts.
You would know better than me.
Because there's certain pressure.
I know that in ancient Chinese medicine.
Oh.
That's a new record for ancient Chinese medicine to come up in the first five
seconds.
That there's like a lot of illnesses.
They say you have a wind inside you.
Not like gas, but like you've caught a wind.
Caught wind?
Like a restless wind is inside you.
I don't.
Yeah.
It feels right, actually.
Right?
Like even a cold.
It's like, oh, you got a cold wind in your.
I got really scared the other night.
I was driving to a show.
And I'm not like a brag, but I'm not a super fearful person.
That's nice.
That's so nice.
Want some tips?
Yeah, I do.
I do.
Would you like some tips?
Because you'll get Pete-splained hard.
Like a four hour.
As to how that's not just a natural thing.
You had to figure that how to be non-fearful.
I do think I'm a little bit wired.
Yeah.
But as when it because I can remember being a child and being, you know, kind
of learning
anxiety and learning dread and all these things.
Yeah.
And sometimes with good reasons.
And so these programs that we run as children serve us brilliantly.
And then later we have to drop them.
Yeah.
But what I'm all about these days, and I'll tell you the fear story.
But what I'm all about these days is what you focus on is your life.
And you can always, there's the bad and then there's the good.
And you can choose.
Right.
And it's really interesting.
Don't get me started.
I've already said too much.
You guys are supposed to be talking and I'm already blabbing and boring.
But I do want to say that the fear descended.
I was driving to a show.
I was thinking about a joke and like some scary pickup truck kind of cut in
front of me.
You know, it was like Matt Black.
You know, not shiny.
Just Matt.
Oh, I thought you meant the driver was called Matt Black.
Like a guy named Matt Black.
You know that Matt Black?
You guys know Matt Black?
Yeah.
That guy's scary.
He doesn't sweat at all.
He's very Matt.
Matt, Matt.
But this Matt Black thing, and it just sort of triggered this response that I
was like,
wow, there's so many people out there that I just don't know about them.
Yeah.
I can't vouch for them.
And then I was like, and I perform for strangers.
And I just started to feel incredibly like exposed in what we do.
And as you're doing your podcast, you guys are sharing even more of your lives.
Good link there.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Sorry.
That was a dirty shoe.
But are we on LinkedIn right now?
Because that was a good link.
If it was a sock, it would have been worse.
Isn't it crazy though?
When you said that, I was like, how many people could I vouch for?
And it's like very limited.
Like actually vouch for.
Tricky.
Well, aren't there tiers of your vouch?
T-I-E-R.
Oh yeah, there's tiers of my vouch.
A hundred percent there's tiers.
Why did I know you meant, you thought I meant tiers.
I cried over vouching for people.
Well, the platinum vouch is rare.
How many people could you platinum vouch for?
Certainly not Tig Notaro.
Not here.
Absolutely not.
That's a bronze vouch right there.
Yeah, maybe like one or two.
Yeah, I'd platinum vouch for Val.
But I'd also tell you that she might flake on certain commitments.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean?
I would platinum vouch for my wife except for texting people back.
Dude.
She's not good at that.
I dead sewer pigeon vouch for me texting you back.
Yeah.
Someone could text me like, we have $10,000 in a briefcase.
Just reply why to this and we'll tell you where the location is.
I'll just go ahead and mark that as unread.
Oh, wow.
I'll just leave it there.
I'm on top of that.
I'm sending them my credit card information and everything.
Oh, that did sound like a fishing.
It sounded like a fishing.
I meant like if you were like, Pete, I owe you $10,000.
I left it in this coffee shop.
I still wouldn't.
Press one to continue, two to stop.
I used to date someone who found, he was walking through a park and found $10,000
in cash
in a bush from like a failed drug dealer somewhere.
Maybe the cops came or something.
He picked it up, kept walking.
And now he has $10,000.
And now he's got $10,000.
This was in like the 90s that this happened.
This is the plot of every movie.
That's no country for old men.
He's in trouble now.
Oh, yeah.
And Javier Bardem is looking for him.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Except that was like millions of dollars.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I would be very nervous.
I would be nervous, too.
Let me ask you this.
You win the lottery.
Yeah.
You now have $50 million on the front page of the newspaper.
How do you feel?
I wouldn't like that.
That's what I'm saying.
Thanks for jumping right to it.
Emotionally intelligent.
Would not like it.
It's a tricky pickle.
I don't even like it.
I used to get like heart palpitations when I had a tweet go get too viral.
I know exactly.
Yeah, I hate that.
I've been on mushrooms and I go, don't think about how much of you is out there.
Oh, God.
Don't think about it.
That's horrific.
There's like so much.
I know.
We all got to start comedy pre-smartphones, right?
Pre-phone.
Thank God.
Like when you first start out and now everything went over and terrible and
didn't know our point
of view and you're still evolving as a human.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It was rough.
And I even in the 80s growing up making camcorder home videos, like funny
videos.
Yeah.
We didn't upload them.
No, you just kept them.
You just kept them.
They were taped over.
Yeah.
That's now a Charlie Brown Christmas.
That's gone.
And you know what?
We didn't do anything that horrible, I have to say, these days.
I'm just saying like, there's nothing that crazy.
Yeah.
I did some horrible things.
But there was stuff that was like, little kids.
I was doing a lot of like Tom Green style pranks on the public.
But I was like, a 13 year old annoying.
And there'd be some poor guy like selling hot dogs on the street.
You just push it over.
Yeah.
You've been made.
Going to like messes with people.
You got made.
M-A-E, apostrophe D.
I got to start that.
You got made.
You got made.
A new Ashton Kutcher prank style show with you.
Made.
It's called You Got Made.
But they all start with, are you made, Martin?
But you keep committing.
You're like, no, it's me, Spencer.
I'm here to vacuum your clothes.
You can't vacuum my clothes.
You could do it.
So you win the lottery, Mae.
How do you feel?
Yeah.
I don't want my face out.
I'd go, oh, can I be anonymous?
But I'm pumped about it.
Or like if I check my, if I'm using like.
Pumped about it.
Yeah.
I need you to unpack that.
I give you 50 mil.
You think I'm not pumped about 50 mil?
I think.
I'm pumped, dude.
I got 50 mil.
You ever play a video game with the cheat code?
It's over.
It's fucking over, dude.
Guess what you are.
You're getting a $3,000 haircut and you're just crying tears.
Not T-I-E-R.
Because now you're on one of those documentaries about how the curse of the
lottery is open.
It's like winning Star Search or something.
You don't want that shit.
I can't believe I'm out anxietying you because I'm like, I once bought a
lottery ticket and
I spent the whole day worrying that I would win.
Because I was at the beginning of my comedy career.
It's like, are you going to drive to Boise, Idaho to do a 30-minute gig in a
firehouse for
$250?
And you don't even know that that's making you better.
Now we know.
But I wouldn't have done it.
And then I wouldn't be good.
And then I'd be like this weird rich comedian that's like, you know, the
difference between
a yacht and a mega yacht.
And everyone's like, fuck you.
I do know a lot of people who grew up mega rich or like the people I know who
did, they
are a little lost, I think.
Of course.
Yeah, totally.
Don't you feel bad?
Yeah.
Look, if you get rich, like you make it and like build something and get rich,
that's pretty
cool.
Yeah.
But the kids, I'm saying if you have $150 million, those kids are going to be
like.
Yeah.
But I don't own property.
Like I, $50 million, I'm ready for it.
You're ready to own something.
It's not going to go to my head.
I'm 36.
That's true.
You know what I mean?
I always forget that you're not 19.
You're not like a young 19.
I'm 36, but I don't drive.
I'm ready for some bills.
I don't have a house or an apartment.
Like, give me the $50 million.
I'll give a lot of it away, but I will buy a house.
It's interesting.
I don't know.
If I'm scripting your life, I go like, you can't have a mate with $50 million.
I just mean like,